Monday, September 29, 2008

He war, he war



A woman in the shopping centre whispered to her husband "He looks like Jesus" as I walked by. I should have said "She looks like a cheap plastic bag full of lumpy custard rolled in cat fur in a pair of skin coloured nylons" to Alecia. I didn't as I only thought of that two weeks later.

A kid in my class said I looked like the lead singer of Nickleback. Worst comment ever.

I'm listening to Fuckbuttons. I wish I was floating in a luke warm constellation. Sometimes I can't wait to get back to my home planet.

Sunday, September 14, 2008



"You there Colin? I've come round to drop off some fish. We had fish and chips for dinner last night - Ron's night off. Anyway, there's some left. A nice piece of flake and some squid rings. Be a nice dinner for you. I put some of the coleslaw in as well- just enough for one I think. And half a pickled egg. They're not really my thing. Oh and I bought your mail in. Looks like there's a sale on for trackys at Big Dub. If you give me some money i'll go pick you up a pair. The old one's are looking a bit raggedy and it would be nice to get you into a nice new pair for when you have to visit the doctor or go down to the club. I'm going to get Ron a pair as well so I might as well get a couple. How are you for your meds? I can't remember if they came last week though I suppose you have a fair bit in the back room. Actually, now that I'm here, do you think I could borrow some pain pills? My legs are giving me curry. From top to bottom I ache these days. Ron says it's cause I do so much but you got to keep active don't you?Mr.Howard's still out there walking every morning. Colin? You in Colin?"

Monday, September 08, 2008

"While my mother waters plants my father loads his gun"


Hey slow walking people. The way you sway and zag across the footpath at the slowest pace. No awareness, stop where you like. I think that koala T- shirt looks pretty great as well.

Sunday, September 07, 2008

This was a while ago but it just occurred to me again

My dog humped my next door neighbours' kid's leg. Yeah he did.

The dad asked if his kids could come over and play with the dog as they weren't allowed to have a dog at the house they are renting. (We're not allowed to have a dig either but my girlfriend said we needed one so we got one)

The kids came over to see Louie. Kevin (who I call Junior because I figure this is a Philipino tradtion*) came outside and his sister Melissa stayed inside. Her dad told me she had "asthma of the skin".

Louie saw him. He then walked to Junior (American spelling because he has an American accent). Then he grabbed his leg between his two beagle paws and humped him. The kid didn't know what to do. I pulled the dog off (HAHAHAHAH SEE WHAT I DID THERE?!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! OH GOD!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!)

That's the end.






About, oh let's say 4 months later, the Dad asked me about my dog.
"What's he do?" SLEEP AND EAT THE BUTTONS OFF MY SHIRT.

"What does he eat?" JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING. NO SERIOUSLY, THERE'S PLASTIC IN HIS STOOLS.

And then he asked me about de-sexing. I can't remember how he approached the subject but the question was asked. "Definitely no lead in that pencil" I said.

"But does he still get ..... urges?"

"Ummm... well he humps legs but it's more of a dominance thing." (Urges!!! This guy gives me enough things to laugh about for a few days. But seriously, he's one of the nicest guys. If only he knew how unsavoury I truly was- he'd probably give up on trying to make over the fence conversation).


* I only call the kid 'Junior' when I see him walking out the front. But not so he can hear it. Just "there's Junior". We knew this Philipino woman who was married to a crayfisherman and her brother was called Junior. I figure this is a tradition. Tenuous? Racialist? Yes, probably.

Monday, September 01, 2008

Every now and then, I hear a hiss


It's like a million o'clock on Monday morning. I can't sleep. So I'm sitting here, face full of computer glow, thinking things and living dead.

Last night I had a head full of booze and stomach full of golden fried potato and pizza. I'd pushed the seams, like I do so often. Now I'm eating biscuits and my head hurts - I didn't drink a coffee until about 4 in the afternoon. I feel sick without it. My head starts to beat and I feel a bit hung overish. Like a sailor who's been out at sea for so long that they start losing reality, all they've got is dehydration and the roll and lull of the ocean(plus sunburn and the worst smell ever in the pants).

I really should start lifting weights. I think this often. There's not much muscle in the muscle of my arm. A little flex doesn't produce much tension. I could really go some muscles me "check out my muscles"wow nice muscles"thank yee".

And every now and then I hear a hiss. The house hums and chokes. My fridge - he's loud. Rrrrr RRrrrr rrrrrrRRR.

Some dumb birds are still awake. Dumb birds. It's night time. Wattle wattle birds. Wattle wattle. I wonder if the street lights tell them it's day time. Dumb birds.