Skuhls

I swam so hard at the pool today that when I got out my legs felt like jelly, all wobbly like fat woman's unsupported breasts in a comfy T-shirt she wears every office Christmas party. That, broseph, is eh zackery how I felt. All free and clammy simultaneously. I then skulled some water and felt like I was going to chuck. Like Ben Cousins after he's shown football how it's meant to be played. Kickity kick kick kick marker mark mark.

Upson, who was the toughest kid in all of primary school, told me that he'd love to be a woman so he could 'ride a horse all day with a dildo on the saddle'. Looking back this was a rather odd thing to say. I did not question his comment. I merely laughed as he had said 'dildo' which was, as a year seven, close to the pinnacle of funniest things ever in the whole world.

shay colley

shay colley

Wicky Wicky Wah Wicky Wah

Hold up! Uhhh. Ghostface Uh Uh.

I had an epiphany one night while under the influence of deep considering agents. Ghostface is probably the greatest monicker a man could ever coin. Like Ghostface. Ghost face. Ghostface. Consider that. And then he adds Killah. Ghostface Killah. Extreme genius. Although some of his newer stuff is pretty lameo - songs about his Momma and collaborations with some pretty limp wristed R&B douchebags, he's still pretty dreamy. Tony Starks I salute thee.

One of my uncles is the Ghostface Spillah. He spilt some soft drink on the floor at a cousin's engagement party, looked down, and then stood in front of it like nothing happened.Like a ghost did it. A move that was as calculated and raw, rugged and raw, as Shaolin's finest. Well not really. But if Wu Tang was made up of wooly haired finance managers he might be in it. Well not really. My girlfriend saw this and told me about it.

Chemical warfare,chemical warfare,chemical warfare, warfare, warfare, warfare.

Smash these Cobraheads

One time, a decade and a half ago, I pressed pause on the video player so I could trace the face of a GI Joe off the screen with grease proof paper and a pencil. I held the paper up against the static and followed the curves with a blunt HB. When I removed the paper a linear ghost of the army man remained on the screen. He didn't go anywhere when the scenes progressed, he just remained there, stubbornly. He interrupted City's of Gold and annoyed DJ from Degrassi Junior High. He was always like 'lets smash these cobra heads!' and the Degrassi students were like ' I think I have AIDS/I'm pregnant/ I did a trip with rat poison and jumped off a bridge and now have brain damage and an aggression problem you BITCH!' But the old Private didn't listen. He just looked on with his American jaw line and army man beret. The TV was old and small and eventually he faded from the glass. I like to think he's up in heaven smashing Cobraheads and teaching Canadian middle schoolers about smashing Cobraheads. Maybe in heaven, they will listen. Just like that song about Vincent Van Gogh.

The top shelf of the fridge has a million bottles and jars of condiments that have only been half consumed. Interesting, I hear you say. Really interesting. I'm sure you have the same problem. Would this make a good comedy routine? Have I found that situation that everybody has experienced and then can I point it out so everybody will say 'Ha! It's so true, that;s what happened to me! I'm not alone, this comedian, this one right here, he is my man. He sees the truth and then says it and we all laff and no one gets hurt. Clean humour. None of that FUCKDAMMITHERBITCHIN this and that. This is clever comedy. Clever, clever, clever."

What about this one. 'Have you ever stolen a brick from the nextdoor neighbour's shed and gone home to the safety of your own back yard to cover it in vaseline and give it the mother of all tongue lickings only to find that in your eagerness you've forgotten to duct tape the eyes of your dog? ' . 'That's so embarrassing' they will laugh and will hover to old thoughts of when they were caught by their mother soaping eggs in the birdbath without the aid of a dog's milk moistened towelette.

Also;



Best album of the year? I think so.

Better than Propagandhi even. There I said it.

Brendan Eats Lizard

I'm not sure who made this but it's hella.

Terminator X speaks with his hands

I saw a man with a moustache and a large mullet the colour of a German Shepherd when I was waiting for my bus. I was scared for my safety. This guy clearly had no sense of social norms which made me feel that he was a potential predator. Another guy on the bus looked like Trent Reznor with a dodgy goatee. He had a T shirt on that said 'Republicans for Voldemort' which may be funny if you are say, a twelve year old kid who thinks they know about American politics, but is completely retarded if you are, say, a 37 year old man with died black hair. It makes me think you get your politics from South Park. It also makes me think you're probably trying to date 14 year old girls. I feared for my safety.

Things you see on a walk

I was walking the dog not far from where I live. In a ten meter stretch I saw a used tampon, a couple of broken bottles and a used condom. I wonder if they were connected? They could have been. Maybe someone had a binge drinking kinky date on the footpath? Daniel Upson told us in primary school that used condoms were called 'jam donuts'. In hindsight I think he probably meant 'cream donuts' - it seems more fitting. Adrian Brown called female genitalia 'pancakes'. I'm not sure if this term was widespread through out the wider Bunbury area or if it was more a term indigenous to my primary school. We also had the turn 'bum jabber' and 'cecil' for pansies. Total bad arse year 7 terminology. 'Can I borrow your sharpner?'
'I don't have one'
'Yes you do'
'No I don't you dicksnap'.

Death to Real Estate

Death to real estate, death to snakes. Clean the stove, pull the weeds. I've got your number fuckface. You're a useless stretch of man with personality found wanting. Leech, leech. I will pee in your letterbox when my lease expires. I'm one quarter Italian. One quarter of me doesn't fuck around.

Financial Crisis

"Hey Shayday,
Baby I got your money,
Don't you worry,
Shayday I got your money"

Fat Nation Woes

God I love you.

Batman Vs. Batman

You saw it here first.

War is hell.

Thai Buddha

I waited at the bus stop for a bus that didn't come. I then caught it to the train station to a train that never came. Technical difficulties. So I had to catch a bus full to the brim of old people who smelled like they'd ingested Miss Maud's Custard Sloppers, milky tea and talcum powder sweat dust.

Thanks Colin Barnett. I now know what it's like to live in the Eastern Bloc. You have opened my eyes. Next time I'm drunk on homemade kirsch I'm coming to beat you a deep shade of communist red with a pickled herring. You will feel the unrepressed groin kicks of my rage deep in your Soviet beets. I will also crash my Lada Niva into your Toyota and yell out 'Cold war! Cold War! Milosevic!'

My girlfriend came home with a funny looking passport the other day. I laughed and she cried. I thought it was funny until I got one today.


I probably can't ever enter South East Asia with this photo. I look like I'm hunting Chong. I want to chop chop. I'm gonna chase the dragon and blow goats. It looks a million times worse in colour but you have to be wary of teh identity thieves on the netz so I've used my exceptional graphic design skills to produce the cover for 80's weed punk phenom Weed Life's first 12". featuring such songs as Bad Buzz (coke and aspro), Til Tuesday IOU, Go it alone/ loving tonight, and the infamous Pork Chop Cops.


Green room.