Friday, June 26, 2009

Hiatus


I'm going to Japan tomorrow for a couple of weeks. Probably won't be updating this blog while I'm away. I will, however, be downing Yebisu and slurping soba.

Am sure to return with tales of my social retardedness and chafe.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

I'm a photographer



I made this look crap on purpose. I'm a genius like that

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Ethnography and teh search for Good Clean Fun

You know that fuckface in your class in year 8 that recounted lines from 'Friends' like it was the funniest shit ever in some faux homogenous american accent? "Ross is so funny!! Chandler, ohmygawd Chandler! He's the funniest!!!HAHAHAH Friends is the best show ever. I'm 12% retarded. Chicken is a food group. I'm going to smoke a pen".

That kid grows up and gets worse. They get a job, unfortunately breed, and work for a decade or so. Hit 35 and decide that they need a little more zing in their lives. They think back to when they were the happiest, as a 13 year old making curly haired kids wheeze cheezles at their verbatim regurgitation of pulpy sitcom paff. They were funny. They were fucking funny! 'That's what I am! A comedian! It all makes sense now. I'm quitting my job, well maybe not yet, but soon and I'm going to become a comedian and give the greatest gift of all! '

And Mark from year 8, now a 35 year old female, pulls on the docs and unicorn T-shirt and embarks on a career of professional funny. I've done some research.

Example one: Kim the Kidder



Kim could have gone to school with you. She's a bag of laughs. A real dry, witty American comedian.
Here's a little about her from her myspace (warning: extreme side splitting may occur LOL!!!!!!!1111!!!!)

"ABOUT ME:

IM BASICALLY LIVING A LIFE OF QUIET DESPERATION.I HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS TO ONE OF YOUR QUESTIONS,I WAS TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL AND THEY NEVER CALLED BACK,IM LOST IN THE SAUCE,IVE HEARD IT THRU THE GRAPEVINE,CUZ THE PHONE WASNT WORKING.YOU CAN LEAD A HORSE TO WATER BUT YOU CANT MAKE HIM FISH.THE GRASS IS GREENER,BEFORE YOU SMOKE IT.... "

Kim is totally kooky.

"I DIDN'T SLEEP A WINK LAST NITE
CUZ I ACCIDENTLY TOOK A VIAGARA AND I WAS UP ALL NITE"

HAHAHAHAHAH! Kim! My mind is melting. That was funny because Viagra gives people erections!!! Ha!

"I FOUND OUT I MUST ALSO BE A MAGICIAN,,,

CUZ AS SOON AS I TAKE OFF MY CLOTHES,,,PEOPLE DISSAPEAR,,,,I GUESS THATS WHY MY STRIPPER NAME IS THE BITTER DISSAPOINTMENT..."

WHAT!!???!!! HAHAHAHHAHAH KIM! No emoticons can describe the level of laughter I am producing! 'Bitter Dissapointment'! Oh no you didn't!! HAHAHA. LAL

"CALLED DRS. TODAY TO FIND OUT HIS NEW LOCATION,,
RECEPTIONIST ASKED ME IF I WANTED TO KNOW WHERE HE PRACTICED,,,I SAID 'HELL NO, I WANNA KNOW WHERE HE GETS IT RIGHT,,,'"

This one is political. I appreciate a comedian who can make comment on pressing issues. It's smarter comedy ' a smile in the mind' if you will. Americans have an inequitable public health system. Actually, maybe this is a racist joke about immigrant doctors. Kim, maybe clarify when you use this joke in performance. Other than that, massive joke.

Things learned: CAPSLOCK MAKES JOKES FUNNIER. ALWAYS USE IT.


Example 2: Maureen Sullivan


Maureen is more of your 'smart man serious pants' comedian in comparison to the no holds barred stylings of Kim the Kidder. But don't think for one minute that Maureen doesn't have what it takes to party with the big girls. Maureen throws down.

"Clean stand up comedy-observational and healthcare related humor. Truth be known, Im Irish, Catholic, divorced and remarried, overweight, out of shape, and a nurse.....whats NOT to talk about! "

Ha! This really appeals to me. She's not afraid to have a little laugh at herself and she keeps it clean. I bet she makes a mean cheesecake as well. (Notice use of upper case 'NOT'. That's obviously the joke catalyst). Clean jokes are just a little bit cleverer. I mean we can all say 'fanny' and get a cheap laugh but I like my comedy with some brain.

Note to Kim: This is how it's done.
Aw, Crap!


See how she works the room. The audience is hanging on every word. And the punchline! My god! Obviously in this case crap isn't a swear word. This is probably in a bar where things are a little bit more adult. Obviously Maur Maur wouldn't be 'crapping' in politer company. But this is a bar. You can do a lot of things in bars and I'm pretty sure with Jokes like that Maureen wouldn't have picked up a young buck and got super adult. Then she would have made a joke about it , some maths based joke fooling around with the amount of times 18 can go into 55. 'Let me tell you ladies, a lot more times than you'd think. Don't forget to carry the one!!' I'm not sure what she means by 'carry the one' but it's sex innuendo and you don't have to understand. it's funny because it's about SEX!.

Actually, I think she's a sex pest.
The rest of you are perverts!


She does seem to bully kids though. Maybe I like 'The Kidder' better.
My biggest fan!


'Who's your favourite comedian Rory? It's ME isn't it. Say yes or I'll burn your eyelids with a cigarette!'


Kids you went to school with. What's up with them?

Robotussan. Suck me down.

Modest Mouse used to be a great band. I mourn for them. The first album mixes perfect amounts of depression and cough medicine.


I agree though, they suck now.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

The key to getting girls: Part 0ne

Let them eat as much chocolate as they want (this is a large amount). Hold their hand and take them out the backyard for a vomit.

I know a red head kid that stuck a knife in the mouth of his girlfriend's fish to remove a rock (this is code). He now calls himself the 'Fish surgeon' (V. crude).

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Vegan Cult Comes

Freckly faced friends, slender fingered girls and other loveable characters,

It has came to my intention that the vegan cult is growing in number. In fact I feel them closing in like the sweet suck of a puppies gums before they get all bite bite bite- no toes. I walked out of TAFE today and saw this :

Oh yes, you're right; that is Superior Master Ching Hai looking down on you from atop a building which probably houses cult members dressed in peach coloured tracksuits (or those mail order Snuggies) repeatedly brushing their curly hair and preparing for the end of the world.

Here's a closer look


That's Superior Master Ching Hai. Notice how Australia is going underwater. WA seems to be the safest place. No daylight savings but no flooding. It's a toss up. I think her plan is to enslave us all and get us to work in her salt mine. 'Salt! Salt! I love salt!' she will yell and rub big handfuls from between her breasts over her rich Superior Master belly. I'm onto this shit. Journalism degree is coming into handy. I'm blowing the roof right off this story. It starts here. Just like I uncovered the stolen trolly racket:Here and Here and also here I'm a modern day Hunter S. Thompson. I'm sipping cough medicine and getting hot scoops. I'm wearing a bath robe and oiling my hair.

Also; this is the church across the road from TAFE.

Real people? More like real douchebag stock photos.

Journalism. I'm doing it.

Poorly.

Sunday, June 07, 2009

Dead Sharks and The Rockingham Shakes


My brother went away on a prawn boat with this guy. Dude was a meth head trying to get off the gear. Decided the best idea was to head out to sea for a month at a time. I'm pretty sure the guy would have got the Rockingham Shakes by the first night. I'm sure he would have been a great companion in the friendly world of professional fishing. I think he pulled the plug after a week or two. I kind of feel sorry for him. Actually, I definitely do.

Pubble Moi



Pure Blonde?
Aryan beer?
Pale Ale?
Aryan beer?

Lion Nathan. I'm onto you and your Jew hating ways. A million torches are shining on you now. Democracy in action. Fascists!

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

A Strange Experience in Little Kardinya

Vegan.

Vaygun.

Vegan Cult? Yes, actually there is one and I, my little freckly faced friend, am about to blow the roof right off it. (That's a metaphor ASIO- just in case they're monitoring my blog. Can't be too careful). I attended a Vegan restaurant in the carpark of a large shopping centre that I will allege is a cult.

'A cult?' you say.

'That's what I said' I say.

And here is mine reasoning. I did a lot of research about cults last year. I watched at least half a day's worth of youtube videos about cults, cult leaders and puppies escaping from cages. I freaked myself out. Look up 'Heaven's Gate initiation tape' and you too will be scarred. Actually don't. It's legit the scariest shit I have seen. Actually do look it up. I'd feel better if someone shared my fear. I feel that this makes me an expert; or a le' expertit as our French cousins would say, on all things cult.

The atmosphere in the restaurant was quite odd. Fluoro lights and lino and a line of staff all wearing the same t-shirt and tracksuit pants.

'Did they have Nikes on ?' you ask.

'I did not notice, but you seem to know a little about cults' I say 'I have noticed that'.

They watched us. We sat at the table and one of them said something about vegan food and protecting the earth blah blah. I started to feel uncomfortable. She said 'Pay what you like and then help yourself to the food' which was in a bais marie (how the hell do you spell that. Oh the French, no wonder the Limey's hate you). When we walked down to serve a portion a woman who had obviously been watching us popped out of nowhere and said 'The food is not ready yet. Please sit down.'

'Poison!!??!!' you interject.

'Fake fish' I say.

Anyway the food tray gets loaded with soy protein cooked in various fake meat ways. Please don't be eager and sexist and assume that I have no time for vegan cuisine. I do. Lord knows I eat anything. A few more wait staff pop up and look at us. I start to sweat on my inner thigh.

We approach the table and I say quite calmly 'GUYS THIS IS A CULT! A CULT!' but my companions are too busy eating sweet and sour not-pork. I look up and there is a projector playing 'Supreme Master TV'. No shit! Supreme Master. Look that up. The station keeps repeating the same message 'Go Veg save the planet'. Over and over again this is repeated. Every two minutes. And then a death clock appears. A voice says '1337 days'. They actually play this at a restaurant! Apparently there are 1337 days before the world starts dying.

I am freaking out inside this restaurant. I feel sorry for my friend. He has a full head of red hair and would surely be a prize piece upon the lap of the cult leader. He pays no heed to my warnings though. He didn't believe me the time I told him about the nesting seagulls and how they would probably kill anyone on the beach if they got to close to the dunes. Oh no he wouldn't believe me and it looked like he wasn't about to start waking up and see the world for what it really was. A world where gulls kill and vegan cults pet red head boys!

Anyway, hysterics aside, the place was a legitimate cult. It's run by Supreme Master Ching Hai followers. Look that up. She doesn't seem super evil but she sure does seem to be making a ton of cash for an environmental warrior. Actually, she got busted in California for clearing mangroves to make an illegal boardwalk and fake island.

So there you have it my freckly faced friend.