Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Do you know what really irks me? Grinds my gears? Puts sand in the chain of my Malvern Star? Rams fistful of yeast in my eyes?

Kids that say that they love cooking and then proceed to serve you a meal that's main constituent is a packet of powdered puke dust. "I make an excellent alfredo pasta" they say and then proceed to mix a packet of industrial cheese cement. It's not cooking! It's more like a hands-on tafe assignment in constipation.

Take this recipe for example from the ever reliable Yahoo!7
Chicken Alfredo Pasta
2 teaspoons polyunsaturated oil
500g skinless chicken breast fillet, sliced
3/4 cup (190mL) reduced fat milk
1 1/2 cups (375mL) water
1 packet Continental Alfredo Pasta & Sauce, Family Pack

What the fuckness? That's basically cheese glue and chicken boobs. That's no way to get laid!

I mean, I haven't witnessed this faux cooking for a couple of years really. It's more of a 'I've just moved out of home, I'm 19, I drink Carlton Cold' condition.

You know what else I dislike? Miss Mauds.
I've only eaten there once about a million years ago (BC) with my grandmother and it was a coleslaw/princess cake/ sweet coffee/ cold meat unfulfilling and cold experience. What makes even less appealing is the clientele. They're shoveling lumps of custardy cake into their trout mouths and gargling back flat whites with seven sugars. Then they probably fart all the way home in their banged out barinas.

Actually, they're probably nice human beings. I'm a dick

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Kevin says:
December 17th, 2009 at 1:30 am
I have a weird doughnut fetish of sorts. I like to get the glazed Krispy Kremes (when I can get them) cut them in half and place a slice of leg ham in between - sort of like a bagel. Have tried it with proscuito, ham and polony. Ham is the best. Very strange I know - I guess it’s the same as the yanks putting maple syrup on there bacon. Sweet and meat. Just delish!

Kevin says:
December 18th, 2009 at 10:44 pm
The colour of the meat in those pies looks way to dark for my liking. Like almost a colour additive. The chunks of meat should really be grey. Either way you know old Kevin here would shove a couple of those down his throat before they had time to cool. I love hot pastry. Often I used to peel the skin of a sausage roll ( in high schoool) and dunk it in some choc milk and eat that before I got down to business on that beautiful sausage filling. I’m salivating like my pug Ronson just thinking about them. Mmmmm heavenly. I'm gonna suck that meat down faster than my mate Clarry licks the gunge off my nextdoor neighbours milk bottles from the recycling bin (they're beautiful girls).

Kevin says:
December 18th, 2009 at 10:56 pm
I love a good sausage. Absolutely love em. Had the great privilege of working at Woolie’s sausage works a lifetime or so ago. Really enjoyed taking part in perfecting the perfect meat mix us Australians love so much. My favourite would have to be a Tex Mex flavoured sausage. My partner love em as well but only eats two or three out of the 2 kilos I usually cook! More for me I say. I, and I hope my heart surgeon isn’t reading this, love a knob of butter or a generous squirt of mayo on my snags. I probably eat snaggers at least once a day - breakfast, lunch or dinner they go down smoother than anything else I’ve ever found.

I’ve come up with a great little sausage snack. About six snags per person, bacon, hash browns and a carton of eggs. Whack em in to a casserole dish - top with philly and sweet chili (and some slices of Kraft singles) and put in the oven for half an hour. Perfect for when guests are coming around. 'Cop that' I yell and smile smuggly as I know you can't get this kind of quality tucker down the road at that snooty Japanese restaurant. Ha Kevin 1, Greens O.
Boom - shaka - laka.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Super Emo Holiday 2.0

I met some English people the other day. They were really great except they didn't laugh at the greatest joke I know. I think it must have been lost in translation. I even prepped them up with useful facts and scene setting information that should have ensured that the joke would be a success and I would forever be remembered as the best part of Australia.

I said to them "What do you call bins in England, dustbins?" and they said "yes dustbins".
So I said "Well you know wheelie bins, the ones we have here" and they said "yes".
"And the guy that comes and collects the dustbins is a dustbin man?" and they said "yes" and I said "Well we call him a rubbish man".

This was great. The foundations were poured like warm Italian cement over a Fremantle backyard - I'd covered all the knowledge holes. We were level like a warm Italian pizza bianca. I could now proceed like a warm Italian greyhound.

And so I began.

"A rubbish man comes to a house to collect the bin. He notices that the bin is not out the front so he asks the resident, who is a man.

'Where's ya bin?"

"Oh" says the man " I've been up North".

"No" says the rubbish man "where's ya wheelie bin?"

"Oh" says the reluctant resident "I've wheelie bin in prison."

Hhahahahahah. Best joke ever. But they didn't laugh. I even did a good voice for the man who had been in prison (probably for pool chemical theft or an upskirt website). So I told the joke again but this time finished it with "I'VE WHEELIE BIN IN PRISON".
As Ricky Gervais says 'If they don't understand, talk louder'.

Eventually they got it. I mean they understood the joke. They didn't laugh though. I did get a "that's a funny situation". Obviously British people, although totally great, don't have a sense of humor.

Ethnography. Right here.

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

I saw a guy with a number plate that said Paul 13




Also, imagine the guy that owns this piece of art.
He probably hates lions and uses it as evidence at family dinners when talking about hunting.
"You need to shoot big cats and sharks. You don't believe me do you Bella? Have a look at this (points to picture). They'll rape ya! Those bloody lions will jump your bones given half a chance. Give em the slightest sniff and they'll be all over you like those yanky sailors on day release in Fremantle. Look, do you want your son to be bought up as a lion? Going to one of them plains schools? Look at the picture Bella. Look at that! He's not a skinny man- got a build on him, and he's; this big strong man here, he's being rogered to sunday by Simba! We gotta do sumfink! They'll be committing rapes all over the place. It'll be like Port Adelaide! "