Wednesday, April 28, 2010

RZR SHRP, CRCK RDR

Excellent poem:

Able bodied people. Why do you stand on the escalator? Why do you block the overtaking lane? Why do you stand on the stairs that go up? I'm a busy man, I've got business. But you stand there. I want to tip bleach in the gene pool. Start afresh. Slow walking people - it's cleansing time. I'm a busy man, I got business mang. I'm dosed on cafe', my heart pumps like Pharlap's. I need to climb these electric stairs. But you stand there, thinking about Chicken Tonight and Australia's got Talent. We are rooted. Eternally.



I bought a coffee. It cost three bucks but I only had a twenty. The barkeep said he didn't have change so I could just pay next time I'm in. The stress of this has been weighing on my mind heavily. What if I got knocked on the head (or asphyxiated while wrestling) and forgot about this agreement? I could walk back into the cafe and order another coffee and be charged six bucks. I would think the guy was pulling a le' decption (French - language of love). And I'd pay it because I am a sucker that walks on elevators but would feel aggrieved. What about if I go in but he's not working? Do I pay his replacement the money and say "TELL THE GUY THAT WORKS HERE THAT THIS GUY CAME IN AND PAID FOR TWO COFFEES BUT ONLY HAD ONE BECAUSE HE OWED YOU MONEY FOR ONE THAT HE DRANK PREVIOUSLY"?

It's been 8 days now and I'm in a moral conundrum. I never asked for this responsibility. I now understand what it's like to be a father or someone who uses pawn shops.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Fingering. Behind the shops.

My butcher is missing his ring finger. He must have chopped it off while sawing through a ham hock. Maybe his wife boned a baker. Got a bun in the womb. He cut it off as a poetic gesture.

When he turned his back the other butcher sexually assaulted the apprentice with it. I think this probably happened.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

All day I'm huffing. And puffing. And smoking pens.

Did you know that you can make your car go faster with a few simple additions? I didn't until I thought of it. Every night I hear the sound of amazingly cool guys zooming their Mitsubishi Lasers around my suburban neighbourhood. I look out the window in awe at their amazing ability to drive a car really fast and to play DMX simultaneously. I often think about all the girls that would be impressed with this incredible skill. They are most probably constantly icing their sex-things with frozen gatorade to stave off the effects of extreme female induced friction. Oh they get it, course they do, course they bloody do, heaps of it.

What do they have that I don't have? I asked myself out loud as I licked a dead fly from my living room window. I realised that my car didn't have the right bits. I mean I only really have an AM radio and my speakers sound like they're made out of home-brand cereal boxes (Kellogs is preferred). I can't impress anyone if I'm blasting ABC local radio except for the old crust nextdoor who reads the Quokka and kills birds. Wrong demographic. I want the Bundy gang. They make all the decisions in Australia and know the truth about everything and nothing. Win their hearts and you basically don't have to work a day ever again. You'll be up to your guts in free chicken, choc-milk, carpet cleaning and roller shutters. All free. No tax. Like a king.

Basically all you need is a few simple items you can find at home.

1. Milo tin. Tip the milo out. Actually eat it with a spoon. You wanted to eat the whole thing in year three. Actually you did it in year three and then you ate Nutella from the jar and then some toothpaste because mum never bought any bloody good food and you had to make do with anything that had sugar in it. Anyway get an empty milo tin or a coffee tin. I have a big tin of coffee in my pantry that has been there for a bout 3 years. It tastes like dirt. Tape the tin where your exhaust pipe is. This is called a 'sports ack-sauce' or something like this. It makes your car go faster because the engine is able to suck more air through it. Air is used in the suspension. The wider your sports ack-sauce is, the more pogs you are worth.

2.Egg Carton Like me you probably hit the gym every day like at least three times. You love protein and probably eat 9 eggs a day. Getting an egg carton is easy. Make sure it's not free-range or you will look like a wussy. Stick the egg-carton on the bonnet of your car with the pointy bits poking up. This is the second engine. Two engines are faster than one and this one has twelve cylinders. That's basically a jet car. Cops don't like second engines but it won't really bother you as you will be able to 'put the pedal to the medals' and zoom off like Usain Bolt if he was a car.

3. Cardboard, Black electrical tape, Permanent marker If you have a standard issue number plate how are other drivers (and girls) going to know anything about your personality? They're not. Your number plate says what you can't scream out the window as you're zooming by with two engines. Stick the cardboard over your boring number plate. With the texta choose a new moniker. Be warned though all the clever ones like 'drif7n' and '4play' are taken. That's good in a way because those ones are a bit tricky to work out and it's easy to think of way better ones. Some good ones are 'COPS SUK' (take it off if they catch you and say they must be mistaken) or 'SEX MAN'. Sex man is probably the best because it says what you do. Sex Man does sex. Like Bat Man did bats and Super Man dipped his stiffy in leaded petrol.

Apply these and buy some cool jewelry. You will be having sex with girls.

Friday, April 09, 2010

Thursday, April 08, 2010

On the Bott/Ox Blood Flavour Wizard

On TV today Germain Greer said 'botox'. But not like 'botox' it sound like 'bottox'. Like the 'bott' from 'bottom'. It was strange.

The other day I heard a top judge say 'lambergeeny' instead of 'lamborghini'. She then said 'amphetamines were the main problem facing modern society'. Except she said 'amphetamynes' like 'mines'. I imagined her saying 'You took amphetamynes and stole a lambergeeny. I sentence you to twelve months in jayuhl. Think about what you have dohne.' I can't believe she's never heard someone say amphetamines correctly and changed her pronunciation accordingly. I mean it's Perth, there's more ice than the cold parts of China (like the mountains in Mongolia or the sugary Coke in the Google fridge - not sure what that means but take it as some sort of capitalist/communist jibe. Political. That's all you need to know).

The same thing happened to me yesterday. I rang up to book a dentist appointment. My dentist has a hard to pronounce name. Let's say it Hsu which it isn't. I say "can I book an appointment with Dr. Sue?" the receptionist says "WHO??!!!" so I guess again and say "Can I book an appointment with Dr Hahsoo?"

"WHO?" Says the receptionist who is probably fat and doesn't do the sex often.

"Hasoo?Sue?" I say. I'm fumbling.

"Ahh Dianne " She says. But she doesn't say her last name. And she motors on. And now I'm never going to know it. It's gone too far. She's fucked my turkey. Locked me out in the piss rain from God's heaving Fanta binge. I'm going to be seen as some sort of dumb hick every time I try and book an appointment. This doesn't bode well.

Went camping on the weekend. Found massive tick on my nuts when I returned home. What a horrible surprise.