Monday, May 31, 2010

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Spin Kicks For Jesus


I got a Christian comic in the mail the other day. It was about a guy that had a heart attack and lay in hospital in a coma. A kind man came one day and read him the bible. Amazingly this woke him up. He then got his life back on track. This is where it ended. It didn't get to the part where he went to the local swimming pool and celebrated his new lease of life by defecating in the deep end right near the diving platform. It's in the director's cut.

I was wondering if everyone in my street got a god comic or if it was just my house. Perhaps they'd seen how I relax as they walked down the street on a saturday morning. Guessed that I probably wouldn't be able to read big words and decided that a comic would be the best way to get me to stop humping the couch( while practicing kissing with the inside of my elbow) with the windows open. My dad's oldest brother was a born again christian. He gave me a Jesus comic when I was seven. It was the most disappointing thing ever. It was all about moral turmoil and had no reference to snot, bubble gum or skateboarding. It didn't even have ads for American breakfast cereals that weren't available in Australia.

I saw a guy reading a Warhammer magazine on the train the other day. He was sitting there like it was completely normal. It kind of made me feel ill.



Whale Oil

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Pro Teen Drug Lord

This kid told me there's a codeword that they use over the PA at supermarkets to let the staff know that someone's stealing things. They say something like "Robbert Mc Robbert to aisle 3,Robbert Mc Robbert to aisle 3" and the manager can somehow workout that Robberty Mc Robbert is getting their robbery on deep within the lube shelves.

The kid said he just saw someone get busted trying to steal meat. He worked at a supermarket and said that 'druggies always get caught stealing meat'. I found this interesting. It's a strange thing to steal. I thought they'd be more interested in Blue Powerade or maybe NoDoz or NappiSan. But according to my research, kid that workes at Woolworth's, long term drug users crave free meat.

"All I need to do is stuff this pack of mince down the front of me trackies and I'm free. Just play it cool, slip it in and stroll out like I'm one of them secret shoppers. I'll be across the road in the park stuffing me face with lovely beef before anyone fricken notices. Just get that mince, get that mince and I'm in fucking meat 'eaven! I'll be piling sexy fistfuls of that wet pink in me gob haha! Might as well get some of them snags while I'm here. Probably wise, probably wise. Yep, gonna take the snags, shove 'em in there with the mince. Might as well, might as well. I'l be fucking hanging out for a snag in a few hours. A nice suasage, a nice little sausage. I'm takin' em! And some kidneys or somefink. Yeah somefink real wrong like that! I'm gonna eat kidneys in the park! Just gonna suck em and chomp em like I'm some kinda munch machine! The kidney's are going in as well! I've got half a cow down the front of me dacks!! MEAT MEAT MEAT!!!"

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Sunday, May 09, 2010

Sniffing Paint/Chasing Taint


About one thousand years ago I studied fine art at TAFE before I went to unamaversity to study the inverted pyramid and global imperialism. I thought this would be a good idea as it would allow me to smoke weed and get paint on my shoes/get famous.

It was a bad idea. My cohort consisted of long term dole recipients, ex-teachers, old men that wanted to paint sailing ships, and a guy called Greg. He was probably the worst. He had this absolutely shit CD of classical musicians playing Tool songs. He would insist on putting it on and then try and explain to the old guy that wanted to paint sailing ships how amazing and powerful Tool were. Then he would walk past some girls, close his eyes, and sing the lyrics in some sort of soprano pitch with epileptic head wobbles. His face looked like his balls were pressing up against his stomach and he was reaching some sort of painful climax. I'm pretty sure this is a good way to get girls. That or neck massages with hands you've warmed up in your pants.

For his final piece he painted an eye on an old television. I couldn't believe how bold a statement he was making. Like we watch TV, but what if, like TV, was like fucking watching us man? Like what if it was a way to keep us consuming? Like the government and the corporations are like controlling society through mainstream media. He brought the fucking truth. I learnt a lot from him - Dudes that wear loose weave beanies wank to Tool with their eyes closed and that John Howard was the boss of television and fast food.

I had a painting class at night with a bunch of old mature age students. We had a few life drawing sessions with a red-head nude model. I think some of the old crusts were eternally stoked. They were a little bit too keen and it kind of freaked me out. When it was time to go around the class and look at everyone's work a plumber said to me "You did a real good job on the titties. They're hard to get right". He'd positioned himself to get a good view of the butt and was very proud of his rump rendering. Another old guy brought a camera and asked the model if he could take a photo of her face so he could 'finish it off at home'. I'm guessing he was probably going to finish it off in the coffee break out in the carpark inside his '85 laser. The lecturer jumped in and said there would be no photos. Dude was bummed.

I dropped out before the second semester started and got a job at an avocado farm with a homophobic moustache man.