Abdominal Snowman- Cold Six Pack

Oh jeez!

That's the sound a fat lady with blonde hair and bad re-growth makes when you reverse your car and almost hit her four-wheel drive mobile.

That's the sound she'd make in Tin Tin anyway.

In real life she says "AW FUCKING GAWD FUCKING SHIT AW GAWD" and you can see pudding steam form on the insides of her tinted windows.

This is the perfect time to try and sell her something, anything. She likes buying things and creating a situation where she can buy something is perhaps the nicest thing you can do. It's a laurel wreath, or some Reef sandals for a woman named Laurel, it's a peace offering.

First things first. You need to act immediately. The quick thinking hen gets the fox egg tortilla! Pull on the hand break and stop immediately. I don't care if you are blocking traffic and there's an angry little man in a small Hyundai who has to mount a curb to get passed and that he also yells "WHATTA THE FUCKING SHIT ARE YOU FUCKING SHIT DOING AW GAWD!" He's probably jealous of the buying opportunity, let him go and he'll come back hungrier than ever - Mid Commute Selling for Dummies.


So what to sell? There's heaps of stuff of value in a car! Just look in the centre console or whatever they call that bit in the middle that's impossible to clean. The bit that's like a wide plastic navel full of lint and the coins that aren't worth much.  Perhaps you have some chewing gum? No? Keep searching.

You might have an old map or a CD without a case in the glovebox. These are great! Maps are useful and CDs have cool rock music on them. These are definite sellable items. Quickly jump out of the car, open the boot and pull out the jack. This is a big ticket item. Sell this and you just might have enough money for a kilo of beef, chocolate sauce and a strawberry milk. All the ingredients for your special post-workout ( or even instead of a workout) protein shake! Talk about making lemonade ($16) out of lemons (near car accident).

Run with this bundle of goodies to the customer's car. Think on your feet, like a quick cat trying to dislodge a troublesome mole in a doctor's surgery.

"MAY I INTEREST YOU IN A CD, A MAP OF THIS AREA, OR PERHAPS A JACK FOR LIFTING THE BACK OF CARS UP?" Say it in a strong clear voice. You are in control.

"WHHATT? WHAAATTT? YOU FUCKING SHIT NEARLY FUCKING HIT MY FUCKING GAWD CAR SHIT!" She may say. Oooh, soothe that temper with another advance.

"A CD OF SOME OF MY BROTHER'S FAVOURITE SONGS JUST MIGHT BE WHAT YOU'RE AFTER! YOU TAKE THIS AND PAY ME LATER" And try and post the disc through the gap of her window.

"NGAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" She says and hits it out with her chubby claw. Then her foot hits the accelerator and she squeals off almost running over your foot and your custom Nikes ( little bits of fire drawn on the swoosh so they look faster).

Don't get disheartened. She was an obvious window shopper and probably hasn't done the sex in forever. A keen businessman would get back promptly into the car and try and chase down that angry little man in the Hyundai. He looked like he wasn't playing.

Plastic sack, double macc, sweet street crack

The other day I heard a barista ask another cafe worker if they "liked Birds of Tokyo?". To which the other replied "Yeah, lets put some on".


I decided to never frequent the establishment again. I had a feeling they'd probably serve me a glass of crushed up biscuits instead of a granita. Not that I'd have a granita. But if I was a man with puffy nipples and an inability to ride a bicycle I probably would and I wouldn't order it from there.  Anyone that listens to jerk-radio soft-rock made by porcine fellows with little ticklers and multi pocketed distressed denim needs to be shunted off to the far reaches of the country and locked up. And then beaten with licorice or a stick or something.


I ate a massive piece of cake today. It was so big I couldn't eat it. So I half ate it. My brother said I should wrap it up in a napkin and put it in my pocket and then eat it like George Calombaris. He said this was a good idea because it reminded him of a German guy he met in Northbridge outside a noodle palace. The guy had meat in a plastic bag and told my brother that he used to take tourists in Berlin to see a fat woman get sexed by a large black man. That was his job. My brother said that I reminded him of the sex tour guide and that a person with cake in a paper napkin is exactly the same as a man walking the streets with various meat pieces in a plastic bag.


 I asked him if he'd like to come down to the wharf and if he had ever seen a man make love to a fish before.


Well half a fish anyway.

Travis Bon Chicken Liver

Walked around shop with my cardigan inside out. Kris Kross 2011 next level swag.

Talked to weird guy behind checkout. He had one of those forced fatigued voices that level 7 nerd wizards like to employ in work situations. "I'mmmmmmmm havinggggggg a bad dayyyyyyy. Any day is baddddddd when you are at workkkkkkkkk." One of those voices that can't be attributed to any specific region - a timbre grown from watching Two and a Half Men and youtube vids of sassy Brits reviewing Ben Stiller films. So lazy, so unwholesome.

I guessed he'd prefer to be at home watching Glee and eating microwaved chicken nuggets.

I liked the kid. He told me to "Havvvvvvee a nice day" and then probably whispered "Go fuck yourself".

Wayneo's World. Egg Salad!

My barber was bummed that he didn't get invited to his cousin's sister-in-law's brother's bucks party. How is that even possible? He's an integral link in the family bike chain! He's the guy you call up when you need a haircut or the guy you bumped into once at your sister's wedding. He was the guy that made a comment about all of the bridesmaids being 'sexy as' and pretended to air hump in front of the buffet. How was he not invited!? He would have set that party right off! A party without him is like cereal with no milk - really dry and absolutely no sexy babes. He knows where the 'sexy babes' are. Well he'll take you (come with you) to 'the strippers' and get hammered on bourbon and coke. A great night! Off the chaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnn! The dogs are out tonight!! Just the guys. THE GUYS!!! Us guys right fucking here! The Guys! Yep yep yep!

But he didn't get invited. And homosexuality probably broke out. Yeah that's what would have happened. Probably 'gayed' each other off for an hour or so and then went to bed at ten! Should've invited Wayneos! He would have said "Youse guys aren't drinking hard enough! Lift!" and then he would've regaled you with his stats for that night (Six beers, two bourbons, a spliff, piss in the shower).

He would've sat the Buck down and say "Last night of freedom eh?!" and winked all sly. And then he would have pulled out a classified ad he cut from the paper at lunch and say "What you reckon? What you reckon? eh? eh?" And the buck would laugh assuming it was a joke. But Wayneos would say "Nice and spicy! HAHAHAHA". And the buck would laugh politely. And then Wayneos would say "I'll put in fifty! FELLAS PUT IN FIFTY! WE'RE BUYING PETE A LAST MEAL!!!HAHAHA!"

Then the buck would be scared. He doesn't want to sleep with an escort let alone a 'tranny'. Who the fuck is this Wayneos guy anyway? Why is he all up in my grill? Why does he smell of prawns and batteries? Why did he sniff the remote control? Is he wearing shorts with no underwear?

Milky Man Mega

There was half drunk bottle of milk in the toilets today . Some guy had left it on the bench "Can't walk out drinking milk. That would look disgusting!" But the truth is, and I'm using detective skills here, he drunk it on the toilet. Yeah, got a big mouthful of moo juice as he strained to evacuate his bowels of Mum's fish-finger lasagna (fish fingers, cream cheese, tomato sauce, corn chips). That's right - this constipated hooligan had sucked back on a bottle of milk in between long audible grunts.

"Argggghh, sip, sip, arghhhhhhhh, sip, sip"

Graver sounds a sane man (you and me and most girls) could not imagine. What kind of swollen teen feels the need to re-fuel while they're draining the sump (hahaha. I know heaps about cars. The sump tank is where all the spent energy from the petrol goes. It manifests itself as rich unctuous treacle goop).

"Just a spoonful of milky makes the evil come out" is the song he sung at the top of his lungs as he defiled himself and the rest of humanity. What a boy. Actually maybe it was an older man. Like a guy in saggy tracksuit pants with Russian hair. I mean communist hair. Like it's been rolled out in some kind of program. Stick your big cauliflower head over the board and Niklos will take to it with the cabbage secateurs. One of those accidently-on-purpose haircuts that sits on the head all plompy in the wrong places and ends abruptly near the ears. Yeah, maybe he walked into the toilet sipping the milk (got some on his fat chin). Looked in the mirror, drunk some more milk, sniffed through his fat red nostrils, drunk some milk, scratched the dropped crotch of his trackies, drunk some more milk. Decided to try for a wee. Could not achieve wee. Huffed. Got angry. Put milk on bench. Looked at self in mirror. Huffed. Walked out with the hope of being able to urinate as soon as he made it home. Friendly surrounds. Makes the fountain flow. No problem. Didn't need to go before. Oh fuck the milk. Should i go back to get it? Probably should. It had a disolved mint lolly in it. Tasted good. Special mint milk. If I can achieve a wee I'll stay home.


Yeah so anyway, some guy drank milk in the toilets. And I know who it was. I'm on to you. You're either a kid or a guy. Watch out milky - I'm the fourth estate,

Everyday I'm Hufflin and Pufflin

A guy ran past me. He lifted his knees high and dodged old ladies, weaved through kids with rat's tails and bogans in fluro work wear. When he got to the escalator he stopped dead still and waited to reach the top. I walked up the stairs and beat him to the top. (I walk up stairs two at a time. It's so fast. Sometimes I get motion sickness when I reach the top I'm so fast. This is manifested in heavy breathing and forehead sweat). As soon as the escalator flattened out into it's final conclusion the passenger ran off again. Maybe walking on escalators was considered bad manners in his household. Maybe as a boy during dinner after a trip into the city his dad had a quiet word in his ear "Son, I noticed you began walking on the escalator today. I don't want to see that again. An engineer spent years refining his work, making marvelous steps that tinkle their way up to heaven. Walking on escalators disrespects the toil and torment that went into their design. It's like saying 'thanks but I'd rather walk'. It's not the right type of behaviour for a Bellahussen. That's why I always say thank you to traffic lights when they go green. I'm at once both recognising the wonderful job they're doing, an often thankless job, and paying my respect to the genius that invented these fabulous post-bound traffic plods. Now come here and give me a kiss. No tongue. That wouldn't be appropriate."

I ventured to the northest north of Perth and came back alive. On the entry to the freeway that whisked back into greener pastures I saw a sign. It was handwritten in the scrawling hand of a goldchain wearing drunk. It pronounced "I Buy Houses FAST! Call me on 02927123087313". It seemed like a good deal. You have a house you want to sell. You call Marcus and he drives over fast. You say "would you like to have a look around?"

"No time!" he says and twitches his fingers. It's not often you've seen someone wear a business jacket, shirt, tie and tennis shorts.

"I'm looking at ...." You say but Marcus interjects.

"Yeah, yeah, I'll take it"

"You'll take it?"

"Today! I've got my stuff in the boot. Give me a hand with the boxes"

"But I haven't.."

And Marcus marches in with an old cardboard box full of liquor and dog-eared porno mags.

He can't pay today. Or the next week, even next year. But he's bought your house alright. Yeah he's got an idea and it's going to make a ton of clams. Big money. Steak money! Crayfish money! Thai suits money! So could you leave? He'll sort out the paperwork over the next couple of months.

Crab Country

I've just got back from a trip up north where the waves are big and old people drive massive caravans with television antennas really slowly. I saw a seal, a whale, expensive groceries and some of the strangest characters I have ever met outside . It is here that I will document them.

The first was a talker. Actually they were all talkers. Didn't need any prompting either. Just kept going and going and going like some sort of generous soothsayer, except it wasn't sooth they were saying, more like getting sprayed with a constant squirt from a bullshit uzi.

We met old mate from Byron while trying to fish out on a jetty. He said he'd only "been there for as long as it took to drink two beers which was ABOUT FIVE MINUTES!!!!!!HAHHAHAHAHAHA". It was made clear quite quickly that he was obviously an exceptional guy as he could drink beer fast and talk about fishing. He told me the tide was coming in when it was going out and then quizzed us on our choice of bait. He didn't seem to grasp that we had no idea what we're doing. Blah blah blah. Then he said he had to go and that we could hold his special spot until he returned when the big fish came in. I went there and almost got eye gouged repeatedly as some ranga kid who was out before sundown tried some sort of karate rod casting moves. His beret wearing mother almost lodged a lure in my nose as she flicked her rod around like a a chubby plumper trying to whip butterflies with some dental floss. There is no way you can catch a shark(which is what I was aiming for, a hammer head or a whale shark) between someone that actually chooses to wear a beret and a hyped up rang-ingitis sufferer. Old mate had given me a big slice of the dick pie. I cursed his name and hoped that he developed weeping sores in his armpits or his son grew up to be an active member of a university guild.

The second unsavory character was sunburnt. We met him on the jetty as well. It was obviously a hang out for bull twanging men searching for some extra marital bull twang. He told us everything that was "FUCKED" about everything. Except sometimes he forgot to finish his sentences. He just left them hanging.
Things that are FUCKED:
1. Boggy Bay. I'm not really sure where this is but apparently it's "FUCKED". Don't go there. "FUCKED".
2. The jetty we were standing on. He came there when he was 11 and it was 100 times better then. You could catch fish with 'big noses on them'. It's "FUCKED" now though.
3. Fisheries inspectors. They just check buckets and shit but they don't check every bucket and some guys tip their buckets out and if you turn your lights off you can get your boat through security and one time a guy dropped his gold watch and a crab took it and he fucking pissed himself mate.
4.Everything. It's all FUCKED IT'S A FUCKING JOKE FUCKED FUCK.
This guy scared me. He was all pink. And he talked shit.

The third guy kind of looked like a stalk. He was tall and skinny and his eyes were a little too far apart. I'll call him Stretch Polo Fleece. We were at a little campsite where some bogans had come to do burn outs around the lake and drive into all the bins. He wanted to join forces with us like Voltron in case shit got rough. Wise move. If there's one thing I'm rad at it's duking it out. I'm like a salmon. Anyway he started talking to us and then paused. Then he dribbled. A big mouthful of dribble and went "Ughhhh". Then he dripped to his knees and dribbled some more. Then he heaved. I thought he was about to make like a pokemon' and bulbasaur some parmesan queef all over my Wallabees (May not actually wear Wallabees. Ghostface!) He retained his composure and said "Do you guys take tablets? Don't ever take 'em." Sound advice. Then he said we may need to use our fist against the UDL drinking bogards. "I've got something better than fists, not that I'm afraid to use them, but I've got something much better".

Awesome! I was surrounded by dudes driving tonka trucks and chucking gas bottles into fires and some wierded out yack king packing heat. Sweet dreams.

I also saw a condom with spider man webs of gack on the lawn of a caravan park. I'm guessing ol' Spidey had some sort of danger mazz in between a flotilla of Winebagos. He's a sicko and should be killed. Who jerks it with a glove on?

Krang was a brain that looked like a scrotum

When I see someone wearing a t-shirt that says "sarcasm is one of the services I offer" I often think about the "other services" they offer. Most of the time I settle on "smoko break Coles staff carpark gobbies". Then I laugh because I am superior. I tell myself this everyday. I'm the cat that got the carpet or whatever the saying is. I'm a diamond in the road. My blood is worth bottle nose dolphins. I'm better than sliced brambles. I stink. Sarcasm is one of the services I offer.

Free Love of the Fizz Wizz Freeway

A telemarketer just called me and said "How are you today sir?"
To which I replied "Not too bad"
"How about we turn not too bad into excellent?"
What a pro. He had an FM radio voice. I bet he had a 'prickle cut' and drank coke all day while sending texts to chubby 16 year old girls.

I passed the best car ever on the freeway the other day. It had this really cool Monster Energy drink sticker across most of the back window. I looked at and thought "Hey this guy likes energy drinks! I bet you he goes pretty hard most nights. That Monster Energy is strong stuff. I personally wouldn't mess with it - I'd leave that stuff to Woody '83. The guy must be a complete and utter maniac! Lock up your ozzie daughters"

The sticker job was well thought out. There was a really cool Southern Cross in the top left corner which worked really well with the Monster Energy piece. There was also a really nice 'MULLISHA" between the tail lights. Moto Cross is awesome. Like almost as good as Jet Skiing. Moto crozz is the thinking man's cycling. Best way to enjoy nature and chicks in bikinis. I was impressed with this guy. He knew what he liked - energy (heaps), sick moto jumps and shit, and punching guys at the beach.

The best sticker was given pride of place along the top of the window. It was a little hard to get a first - it took me a good half an hour or so to work it out. Once I got it however, I couldn't stop laughing - it was perhaps the cleverest joke I'd ever heard. See if you can work this out (trust me it's worth it !):

B 4 I √ U R U 16?

HAHHAHAHAHHAHAH! Woody '83! What a complete and utter maniac!! It's actually good that he's put in an age clause. A lot of guys don't have such high morals. Funny and responsible. Absolute champion.

President Rogaine can shove it.

Once I met a tall man who had a somewhat curly mud-flap of a mullet. I mean it was a mullet of sorts, more a mullet of nature than a mullet of design. He was going bald on top and you could see a pink hammy dome poking through receding whiffs of blonde. He had these big fat pale hands and wore tiny little shorts so you could see a huge white flank of thigh whenever he jumped out of his 4wd.

He'd lived with a 'total health nut' he told me. He'd read up on nutrition and alternative medicine. "All he'd eat from a cucumber was the skin and the seeds. Just peel it and scoop out the guts, throw out the rest. It's shit, it doesn't have any nutritional value".

I thought about this and considered the type of person who would go to the trouble of tea-spooning the seeds out of a cucumber and then proudly proclaim "I'm a health nut. I'm going to eat some egg shells".

What a fuckwit, I thought.

He also peed on his feet to stave off tinea. Genius.

Ethnography and teh search for Good Clean Fun

You know that fuckface in your class in year 8 that recounted lines from 'Friends' like it was the funniest shit ever in some faux homogenous american accent? "Ross is so funny!! Chandler, ohmygawd Chandler! He's the funniest!!!HAHAHAH Friends is the best show ever. I'm 12% retarded. Chicken is a food group. I'm going to smoke a pen".

That kid grows up and gets worse. They get a job, unfortunately breed, and work for a decade or so. Hit 35 and decide that they need a little more zing in their lives. They think back to when they were the happiest, as a 13 year old making curly haired kids wheeze cheezles at their verbatim regurgitation of pulpy sitcom paff. They were funny. They were fucking funny! 'That's what I am! A comedian! It all makes sense now. I'm quitting my job, well maybe not yet, but soon and I'm going to become a comedian and give the greatest gift of all! '

And Mark from year 8, now a 35 year old female, pulls on the docs and unicorn T-shirt and embarks on a career of professional funny. I've done some research.

Example one: Kim the Kidder



Kim could have gone to school with you. She's a bag of laughs. A real dry, witty American comedian.
Here's a little about her from her myspace (warning: extreme side splitting may occur LOL!!!!!!!1111!!!!)

"ABOUT ME:

IM BASICALLY LIVING A LIFE OF QUIET DESPERATION.I HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS TO ONE OF YOUR QUESTIONS,I WAS TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL AND THEY NEVER CALLED BACK,IM LOST IN THE SAUCE,IVE HEARD IT THRU THE GRAPEVINE,CUZ THE PHONE WASNT WORKING.YOU CAN LEAD A HORSE TO WATER BUT YOU CANT MAKE HIM FISH.THE GRASS IS GREENER,BEFORE YOU SMOKE IT.... "

Kim is totally kooky.

"I DIDN'T SLEEP A WINK LAST NITE
CUZ I ACCIDENTLY TOOK A VIAGARA AND I WAS UP ALL NITE"

HAHAHAHAHAH! Kim! My mind is melting. That was funny because Viagra gives people erections!!! Ha!

"I FOUND OUT I MUST ALSO BE A MAGICIAN,,,

CUZ AS SOON AS I TAKE OFF MY CLOTHES,,,PEOPLE DISSAPEAR,,,,I GUESS THATS WHY MY STRIPPER NAME IS THE BITTER DISSAPOINTMENT..."

WHAT!!???!!! HAHAHAHHAHAH KIM! No emoticons can describe the level of laughter I am producing! 'Bitter Dissapointment'! Oh no you didn't!! HAHAHA. LAL

"CALLED DRS. TODAY TO FIND OUT HIS NEW LOCATION,,
RECEPTIONIST ASKED ME IF I WANTED TO KNOW WHERE HE PRACTICED,,,I SAID 'HELL NO, I WANNA KNOW WHERE HE GETS IT RIGHT,,,'"

This one is political. I appreciate a comedian who can make comment on pressing issues. It's smarter comedy ' a smile in the mind' if you will. Americans have an inequitable public health system. Actually, maybe this is a racist joke about immigrant doctors. Kim, maybe clarify when you use this joke in performance. Other than that, massive joke.

Things learned: CAPSLOCK MAKES JOKES FUNNIER. ALWAYS USE IT.


Example 2: Maureen Sullivan


Maureen is more of your 'smart man serious pants' comedian in comparison to the no holds barred stylings of Kim the Kidder. But don't think for one minute that Maureen doesn't have what it takes to party with the big girls. Maureen throws down.

"Clean stand up comedy-observational and healthcare related humor. Truth be known, Im Irish, Catholic, divorced and remarried, overweight, out of shape, and a nurse.....whats NOT to talk about! "

Ha! This really appeals to me. She's not afraid to have a little laugh at herself and she keeps it clean. I bet she makes a mean cheesecake as well. (Notice use of upper case 'NOT'. That's obviously the joke catalyst). Clean jokes are just a little bit cleverer. I mean we can all say 'fanny' and get a cheap laugh but I like my comedy with some brain.

Note to Kim: This is how it's done.
Aw, Crap!


See how she works the room. The audience is hanging on every word. And the punchline! My god! Obviously in this case crap isn't a swear word. This is probably in a bar where things are a little bit more adult. Obviously Maur Maur wouldn't be 'crapping' in politer company. But this is a bar. You can do a lot of things in bars and I'm pretty sure with Jokes like that Maureen wouldn't have picked up a young buck and got super adult. Then she would have made a joke about it , some maths based joke fooling around with the amount of times 18 can go into 55. 'Let me tell you ladies, a lot more times than you'd think. Don't forget to carry the one!!' I'm not sure what she means by 'carry the one' but it's sex innuendo and you don't have to understand. it's funny because it's about SEX!.

Actually, I think she's a sex pest.
The rest of you are perverts!


She does seem to bully kids though. Maybe I like 'The Kidder' better.
My biggest fan!


'Who's your favourite comedian Rory? It's ME isn't it. Say yes or I'll burn your eyelids with a cigarette!'


Kids you went to school with. What's up with them?

Teenage fuzz bus ride

"Kid. I'm here to tell you that you stink. No, not your attitude. You. You actually smell. It's quite normal though, a young person such as yourself is full to the brim with hormones. Yours are buzzing around the place so fast I can hear a high pitched whirr emminating from your person. This is quite normal. These hormones are bringing changes - you now the type. Long showers and swelling, itchy nipples and puffy glands. Hairs growing back into your skin, waking up with your eyes stuck together. We've all been there. When I was your age I used to climb the neighbour's fence and have a nice cuddle with their old Lassie dog of a hot sunday night. You can't do that these days though, oh no I assure you, so don't even try!

The smell you have is your way of telling the world that you're ready to bake. That you don't care if it's going to bring welts down the back of your thighs and make sweat crystals form on your neck. You're ready to kidney it out with some raw trade and heaven help your family if the oysters don't start lining up at the front door when the old moon is as low and white as a giant pain pill. Kid. You need to listen to this. I'm of the world, in the world, and above this world. Kid - come back. There aren't any spare seats."

Super Emo Holiday Part Deux

A guy at the skatepark asked me if I was in a band "Are you in a band? With that hair I was just thinking you were. You look like a bit like an electric or a bass. You know I used to have long hair. Check this out (pulls out mobile and proceeds to play a video). I taped that from the library. This fucking nuts kid fucking jumped the fucking fence. He did it with no shirt on. Then he put a shirt on and tried it but he went over but his board went over there. He was like 50 kilos, I used to be 60 when i was like anorexic. They had cameras - I think they were making one of those extreme documentary things".

Chris Came - Boy Genius

I found these on Google SketchUp's 3D Wharehouse. For those of you who don't know, SketchUp is a free CAD program that's pretty easy to use (and frustratingly crumby at the same time). Anyway, you can download components that users have contributed and use them in your model. Some nerds have spent hours upon hours crafting hoover vacuum cleaners and the engines of Honda SUV's. Chris Came, however, has contributed something much more worth while than white-goods or japanese motors.

Exhibit A:

X Men Are Here Top Secret

"about x-men"

Exhibit B:

da 18$

"a man with a spray can who sprays da 18$ and chris is lil c trying to tell rappers that it does not mater if your not a rapper you can still become one."

I can't work out if he is 7 or a retard. Either way, he's awesome.