Deafwish

Today a girl next to me with headphones began singing really loudly. I had headphones on too but I could still hear her. I looked across sideways to see what was going on. There was no way I wanted to make eye contact. If I did we were both fucked. What are you meant to do when you look someone who is singing loudly in the eyes? There's no walk out - everyone dies. It's like someone catching you smelling your finger. You're not doing anything wrong; you're savouring the smell of a small slice of flourless chocolate tart yet to the passerby it looks like you're some kind of digit sniffing pervert whose probably just done some sort of self prostate examination on the sly in the cafe's toilet. This suspicion is further enhanced and becomes an undeniable fact if a sliver of chocolate tart has unfortunately wedged itself under a fingernail.

So I pointed my eyes sideways like a year ten trying to look down the top of a young teacher while she marks his work. She hadn't realised she was singing, well I don't think she had. Perhaps she was in the moment, lost in the joy of music. She began doing a little bit of that breathy worble that's usually accompanied by hand movements that look like someone's dialing an old style telephone. It was bad. I turned up my ipod and pretended I was deaf.

A gazillion years ago when I was at uni I happened upon a similar situation but to greater degree. A girl was recording a radio show with the door open. Her head was back and she had a pair of headphones and was singing a Tatu song at top volume. I cautiously looked in and she was dancing with her eyes closed holding a ruler for a microphone. It made me laugh.

No love BC

A million years ago when I went to University and did nothing but eat fried rice and try to read Russian novels.There was a mature age international student in my class. Unlike most mature aged students this guy didn't spout philosophical theories about genetics "Physically fit males, such as olympians, have female offspring. It's a scientific fact", try to fellate the lecturer at every given moment, or tell the kids how it really was out in the harsh cold world that they had mastered.

Once we were sitting around in a room waiting for a tutor to arrive. He announced to the class that he would like to practice his stand-up comedy routine. He smiled and said that it was 'the perfect opportunity!" The room was unresponsive. A guy with a scarf rolled his eyes. I could sense that this was going to be awesome. I hoped his jokes would be about wankers wearing scarves and how they smelt like meat.

And so he stood in front of the class and began his routine. He was eager. This would be the first step in a life long career.

"A robber broke into a house where three women lived. They were in the kitchen. They were doing some things.

The robber said "Give me your money!"

The three women said "Oh no! Please don't take our money!"

And so the robber said "Ok. I will not take your money as long as you do this one thing."

"Anything" they said.

"When you go to sleep tonight", the robber said, "you must lie like the letter 'i'"

And the comedian put his hands above his head so he became the human embodiment of the letter 'i'. He then smiled at the class expectantly. This was an excellent joke and he knew he had told it well.

They looked at him.

He stretched out his arms above his head and said "LIE LIKE THE LETTER 'I' !!"

He did a little laugh in the hope of kick start the surely imminent laughter explosion. No love.

The guy in the scarf rolled his eyes. A fat girl stared. The tutor walked in and the comedian sat down.

I'm not really sure what the joke was about but it rates as one of the greatest jokes I've ever heard.