On the Bott/Ox Blood Flavour Wizard

On TV today Germain Greer said 'botox'. But not like 'botox' it sound like 'bottox'. Like the 'bott' from 'bottom'. It was strange.

The other day I heard a top judge say 'lambergeeny' instead of 'lamborghini'. She then said 'amphetamines were the main problem facing modern society'. Except she said 'amphetamynes' like 'mines'. I imagined her saying 'You took amphetamynes and stole a lambergeeny. I sentence you to twelve months in jayuhl. Think about what you have dohne.' I can't believe she's never heard someone say amphetamines correctly and changed her pronunciation accordingly. I mean it's Perth, there's more ice than the cold parts of China (like the mountains in Mongolia or the sugary Coke in the Google fridge - not sure what that means but take it as some sort of capitalist/communist jibe. Political. That's all you need to know).

The same thing happened to me yesterday. I rang up to book a dentist appointment. My dentist has a hard to pronounce name. Let's say it Hsu which it isn't. I say "can I book an appointment with Dr. Sue?" the receptionist says "WHO??!!!" so I guess again and say "Can I book an appointment with Dr Hahsoo?"

"WHO?" Says the receptionist who is probably fat and doesn't do the sex often.

"Hasoo?Sue?" I say. I'm fumbling.

"Ahh Dianne " She says. But she doesn't say her last name. And she motors on. And now I'm never going to know it. It's gone too far. She's fucked my turkey. Locked me out in the piss rain from God's heaving Fanta binge. I'm going to be seen as some sort of dumb hick every time I try and book an appointment. This doesn't bode well.

Went camping on the weekend. Found massive tick on my nuts when I returned home. What a horrible surprise.

Project Pat Told Me To Break The Law

I had blood test the other day. I don't think the phlebotomist knew what they were doing. I've got a massive bruise on the inside of my arm like I'm some sort of smacky that puts needles with drugs in them into my arms. I might as well buy some floppy tracksuit pants and drink two litres of milk from the bottle. That's what smackies do. I saw it on an ABC documentary about heroin when I was 12 sometime in the mid nineties. There was this woman who shot up in her house and then drank milk from a bottle in her kitchen which was basically a shrine to chicken bones and dirty dishes. When she drank the milk it sort of went down her chin and into the hollow of her pale ribs like when thirsty basketball players drink gatorade in ads. It was really disturbing and I decided right then that I was a twelve year old who would never do heroin. I fucking hated milk and couldn't think of anything worse than having to drink two litres of it. Heroin was definitely not for me.

So anyway, my arm is bruised. You know how blood tests don't really hurt that much? This one hurt the whole time. Like it was like she was pinching my vein with tweezers. Fuck that is the most disgusting thought ever. But it stung worse than licking the cord that goes into a phone. I did that last year and it zapped my tongue like some kind of Optus electric eel. Bit me. Bit me right on my lick muscle. When I got home from the pathology I realised my fly was undone. I wonder if that's why she made the needle hurt so bad. Maybe they get perverts coming in all the time who get off on getting needles. That could happen. People are into the weirdest crap. There's like a million days worth of videos of guys getting jacked off by feet on the net. People are getting tinea as an STD.

I saw a tag on the side of a building today that said Pedo. I hope he or she are just some misguided yoof. I bet you they like blood tests.

Half man, Half icing

I drove past the dentists with a mouth full of Violet Crumble yesterday. This is the equivalent to driving by the tax office waving a hand of beautiful laundered money while in a tax avoiding taxi. You can feel the wind in your hair and have a fleeting feeling of knowing that your time has not yet come. These are our salad days (i think that's a reference to tossing when ever you feel like it).

I had an x-ray and an ultrasound today. My shoulder is fucked and has been fucked for the last 5 weeks. They probably won't find anything. I'm probably faking.

Once I had an ultrasound on my testicles. It was an awkward situation. The ultrasound operator was a girl who would have only been two years older than me. I had to lie on my back and pull my sack out through a gap in the sheets. Balls don't look great to start off with, like two baby brains (massive) in a deflated hairy skin balloon . They look even worse in isolation. When they're a pate' pink against the green of surgical sheets they appear more tumor than vital.

And then the ultrasound operator squirts goo all over them and tries to survey them with a hand held reader while they dodge and slide like slippery poached eggs. It's a bad situation.

Balls.