Bush fire moon

A girl fell asleep on the bus today. Like rolled her eyes back and zonked out with her mouth all open. The bus went around a corner and she slumped into the dude next to her. He was sort of polite and let her lean against him while feeling uncomfortable at the same time. She came to and realised she was leaning into a guy sitting on a bus. She jolted up and wiped the drool from her mouth. One time a guy, who looked like a cross between a deputy principal and an accountant, fell asleep next to me. He leant right into me and I tried to be all cool but it got a bit annoying. I gave him a little nudge, all hip and shoulder like, and he still didn't open his dumb eyes. I noticed that he had pink nail polish on and wondered how it got there.

Each day my bus drives past the burnt out remains of another bus. It caught on fire and basically burnt to death. When I see it I pretend I'm in Palestine. A girl in my primary school's mum's car caught on fire once. The de-mister on the back window heated up and then burnt the shit out of the back of her car. My best friend walked with her to the end of the oval and then moonied her. I thought it was the greatest thing ever. Our teacher gave him a lecture on sexual harassment. The teacher was a douche. My friend was rad.

Cash rues everything around me.

The Solitary Arts.

Long hair is a journey a man must embark on his own. There are many in number that will try and block a long hairs path.

Do you remember how good Modest Mouse used to be?

I do.

Leprosy= Cured

I bumped into this guy the other day. He offered me a fish sandwich ( a very generous serving size - I'd actually say he over catered) and talked of olive oil, persian dates and sandals. He was very intuitive, he knew all about the time I warmed my brother's toasted sandwich up by placing it under the hairy folds each side of my testes. He said that this, along with other 'harmful personal activities', had to end.

I went to a fancy dress party on the weekend. For some reason I felt a little worried about dressing up as Jaysus H. Christ. I was worried that some zealot would come up to me and berate me for my sacrilegious portrayal of everyone's favourite good time dude. It was the peak of World Youth Day- I'd seen some pilgrims (well not really pilgrims i guess) in Freo getting World Youth Day Crazy. They were singing in some other language 'hallelujah' (god knows what that means) and banging this big brass looking cross up and down. A dude in a khaki turtle neck walked passed with his friend and said "hare krishnas". He must of been some kind of theological scholar. (ha- i probably didn't spell hare krishna the wright weigh)

Anyway the party was pretty good. The only problem was as soon as I got there a guy dressed as the pope called my over and said "come here my son!". Technically I don't think Jesus is the Po Po's son so I said "no, you're my son" but then I remembered that the J-man never really procreated or even got close to the act- he was as virginal as a Young Liberal at university. Anyway, the Pope then said "I suppose you've got twelve mates coming' and I said "Yes, that's me, I'm Jesus". Then he wanted to riff, he wanted to fire Jesusy/Bible referenced jokes around. All I had was "tell me if you see some Romans".

And then when the conversation ended, as it was basically him talking, I said "I'm going to find a place to HANG out!!!" and walked off. But when I think about it - he was really nailed to a large cross, there's not really much hanging. Later, I said to Borat that I was "looking to get nailed tonight" and he laughed quite loudly. Guys that dress as Borat aren't usually that smart.

Before my class today, this guy from Singapore said "This is really good, sitting here on this seat and watching pretty girls walk passed" and then he showed me some stitches on his leg where he fell off a fence onto a chair "like Batman".

I sent this to Eagle Boys pizza- It seemed funnier as i was writing it. In retrospect- uh

I am probably asking the wrong guys the question but one of the managers in there seems to know a little bit about nutrition. i was just wondering if someone could tell how much pizza a five year old should be eating. My son, Mathhew, is getting through bout two slices of pizza - it doesn't seem enough for a boy his age. Is there a recommended serving size for kids. I'd like to see him eat about 6 slices in a sitting. Not sure if that is too much though- I eat about two wholes each time but I do a lot of weights and work a twenty five hour week. Any advice would be great.

*I just got a response. It's actually not funny. Obviously I'm not a master of Internet pranks.
Hi Shay,



Thanks for your email. Unfortunately we are not qualified to offer you advise on this subject and would suggest that you approach a qualified nutritionist for advise on quantities your son should be eating.



Thanks again, and we look forward to your continued patronage



Regards,



r

Flat out like a lizard which is trying to look like a paddle pop stick so as not to be eaten by a fat kids neglected cat

Holga. Von Jeiago. Capricosa. hellok.

It's been super cold. I saw the Premier in the city the other day and there were all these people in polo fleeces and dandruff crowding around. He was handing out energy saving light globes and talking about the gas crisis. My beagle has a gas crisis whenever I let him inside. He poots the worst stench since Genghis Khans saddle was washed down.




My friend just handed in his thesis which is super sick (hella epic). He knows lizards like no one else. I'm going to drink some beer with him and a red haired kid. Hella epic.


when you take a photo of someone taking a photo you're in danger of imploding the planet

It's monday and I want to forget Suzy, I want to forget.

All slow No glow

"She's going to be a cock professor studying my dick, she's gonna get a masters degree in fucking me!" is perhaps the greatest line ever written, thank you Ween. I would have found it funny when I was ten, that's how great it is.

Pure Guava by Ween was the first CD I ever bought. I think I was about nine or ten and my Gran had given me some money to buy an album. It was a toss up between Ween or Ugly Kid Joe's America's Least Wanted. While the cover art of the Ugly Kid Joe album was alluring I chose Pure Guava simply for the fact that I wanted to listen to Push th' Little Daisies four hundred times in a row. Kids at school said it was the dumbest worst suckiest song ever which instantly made it the greatest song of year 5. Anyway, the album blew my mind- it had lots of awesome swearing and the guitars got all fucked up and nasally. I used to play the solos through my nose "nuh nuh nuhnuh nuh nuh nuh"

The CD doesn't work anymore. It's all jerked up. I'm going to get some sand paper and try and level out the scratches.

Captain Danzigaretto

So you know Danzig eats like four kilos of lamb, 48 eggs, a tub of ice-cream, twelve sacks of carrots and a carton of low carb beer a week. He also brushes his hair at least five times a day while he watches pirated pornos. Dude puts nail polish on his toes and wears those little glasses that John Lennon did while he makes model boats.

His most prized model boat is called the Pappa Swine, a barge full of little plastic pigs. He putt putts that little barge from one end of his steamy bath to the other and sometimes unloads a few pigs on the port of his belly. One time a sow got scared and he had to coax it up to the safety of his generous breast with some of his poppy seed cake. "Don't be scared girl, it's OK. I will raise you organically and find you a healthy sire."

He's a bloody sicko that Danzig.

Bean dreams

You know you're poor when you wish you had a tin of borlotti beans to put in your vegetable soup but you don't want to split your last ten bucks or use the nine dollars you have in the bank ($9.17). And then all you can think about are those beans and how if you had some money you would be buying those beans and eating them. What a luxury.

I said to my mum "I'm really broke" and she said "why don't you get another job?" and I said "that's the dumbest fucking idea I've ever heard!"

ha. That'll show her.

PS I Rub You

My girlfriend and i have a $25 late fee at the video shop. We got a dvd, I can't even remember what it was called, the dude could freeze time or something like that, it wasn't very good although it did have boobs in it. Maybe I imagined the boobs. I often do that. Anyway, the dvd player blew up (went pop blue electricity) with the disc inside. It wouldn't eject (like Howard before the election!!! HA POLITICAL COMMENTARY). So my girlfriend tipped it on it's side so she could look deep inside (Carry On) and the disc fell back further.

Then we left it in there for a week or so.

Then I got a screwdriver and used it as a hammer to smash the bad movie out.

When we went to the video shop after 4 months of not going I hid the ten dollar note that was in my wallet in my pocket and then i told the girl behind the counter that I only had five bucks. HAHA. I'm like Ghostface. The player haterz are never gonna get they claws in me yo.


She suggested that the people in front of me in the line get "PS I Love You" out.

Mozza and the best actual keywords

Have you ever watched youtube videos of Morrissey singing "there is a light that never goes out" and fast forwarded to the section where he takes his shirt off, throws it into the crowd, and walks off stage?

I did this a couple of times the other night.

He spends less time on stage shirtless these day. Like shirt comes off and bam he's gone. In the 80's vids he dances around with his eyes closed and his back to the crowd. I think he's embarrassed of his older frame. Something like that.

My belly swells when I eat too much. I like to imagine I'm a Pokemon called Garlax (garlic dumpling).

There's a kid in my class who can talk about Manga for seven hours if prodded with the right questions. He calls it 'mungah!' though. Which sounds cooler if you imagine him as a thai kid with a marine cut and not as a New Zealander, which he is. He talked a lot about Goku's wife the other day.

A guy showed him some porno on his mobile phone and he went crazy. He told us that he'd actually seen stuff like that before, actually he'd seen much better ones on the Internet that went for like 20 minutes not 30 seconds like this one, and that he actually knew all the good key words to type into search engines. I should of asked him for them. So far 'women with no clothes on' is bringing up the same hits.

The Peanut Butter Revelation

A man could grow old quite happily eating sandwiches with his dog out in the back yard.

Observations:
A Continental roll conatins four different meat stuffs. At least four. Why is it called a continental roll? Only the Lord and saviour knows. Wow. What a great post. fuck.


Ok, I now go to class with teenagers. I think they might think I'm one of them. I'm akin to a sociologist on in situ ethnographic observation. I have emersed myself in a new world. Things are 'gay', dudes who drive commodores are 'mad c***ts', and it's cool to play soccer with rolled up paper. "WE'RE NOT IN SCHOOL ANYMORE!!!!! I'M GOING TO HAVE A CIGARETTE EVEN THOUGH I DON'T SMOKE!!!!"

Anyway, I don't want to let them know I started uni before they started high school. Little bitches might turn on me.
"What the hell does this project brief say? We're only TAFE students!"

Moscow, Western Australia.

Today marks my descent back into studentism : poverty and hunger. My job is finished and I pulled the plug (ie. I wasn't fired for excessive Tetris or pirating stickers). My boss cried. I think he'd had a bit too much free booze at a Departmental Christmas party- when it's free he can suck it harder than Amanda Vanstone can an egg through a stocking (she's mad on protein). He was all ruddy and was starting to get a bit clammy around the gills. He's usually red though, he has the unfortunate condition where the collars of his shirts are too tight and a saddle of jowl hangs over the front. It's although his tie is a nylon garrote cleaving up between two plastic bags of mascapone. Anyway this was a whisky red, a 'fuck the kids honey, they can make they're own tea, i'm staying for the last race!' crimson.

I said "I've decided to leave" and he said "Geeez!" and then his eyes got watery. Stategically it was a great move. I immediately felt like a bastard. I had made a habit of talking shit about him for a year, I would do his laugh and say " perhaps you could come to our conference and expose yourselves, I mean.... actually I wouldn't mind if you exposed yourselves!!!HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH". And now he was crying?
fuck.

Polynesian Tacos: Memphis Poo

You know what? The sub prime market is failing in the US. Sales of sub prime are falling faster than the pants of a seedy preacher in bangkok. Things are getting so bad that parents in Memphis are feeding their kids poliestyrine polynesian tacos.

Disecting a Summer Holiday: Volume One, Edition One. (Limited run 2xCopies)

Whoa.


My holiday is fast running out like yak fat in a Mongolian lamp. I haven't accomplished half of what I wanted to. There are more unmarked boxes on my checklist than there are welts on my pale thighs (32).

I have, however, got sunburnt. I'll check that box. Excellent. Now I'm worried I'm going to develop the..... well you know, I'm not going to say it. It scares the crap outta me. It's kind of funny- there's this whole new push "Australian kids don't actually get enough sun. They lack vitamin D. The television told me so. We should also be able to hit them". I reckon (and I'm not technically a scientist- although my mum has a science degree* and I sometimes listen to what she says*) that you probably get enough sunshine running out the back and hiding while someone knocks on your front door. I don't think we need more sun.


Shouldn't have drank so many beers before typing. I have no idea where I'm going with this.

Sunburn is irresponsible and comparable to smoking?

Yeah, that'll do.

*I think my mum has a science degree. It's degree of some sort.
* My mum told me to wear sunscreen and to apologise when I broke things.

The dark angel of route 160

Every day this goth catches my bus. He works in the city and plays PSP all the way. Well usually after his girlfriend gets off about halfway through the trip. She is a goth too but more of your nerd 'I love cats', ironic bob hair style, skivvy, sensible shoes etc. Actually I wouldn't really call her a goth, she only gets that title through association. I'd call her more "Lean Cuisine; I like Placebo". And the dude, he's not really a goth either now that I think of it. He's more of nerd. And all nerds are into black clothes right? Heaven knows why- it doesn't hide dandruff or semen very well. Two things that I'm sure have covered a black trench coat or ten to the sound of Quake and Rammstein.

Anyway, the guy wears these super 'funny' (funny if you're retarded and enjoy teh net catz) such as "I pwn n00bs" and "What she said"(I'm not actually sure what this is a reference to- a Ben Stiller movie? anyone?). These are excellent statements as they tell other commuters "I spend copious amounts of time online eating instant pasta" and we can easily write a synopsis in our head- don't sit next to the pale one.

Bad coffee, broken dreams

“I’m in the Who’s Who of WA. Have to get a copy for the office I reckon. I’m a bit of a shaker, know the Premier. Got his mobile number. Allan’s a good bloke. Hey, actually we should ask him to one of our meetings. Yeah do that Julie- just give his office a call. I’m sure he’d love to come, actually I’m pretty sure he’s expecting to come. Just like the Union, they’ll send a couple of reps. I think they’ll do anything for a free feed, it’s good tucker, really good, I love a good meal. Last night I had the surf and turf. It was exceptional- the steak’d have to be the size of a dinner plate. They do real good meals down there, they sure do. Actually Judy, I mean Julie, I might get you to give the hotel a call. One of the guys at the front counter, I haven’t seen him before, he asked me for my credit card details. I said to him ‘look we’ve got a deal, it’s all pre-organised’ but he kept asking for my number and I think Steve was getting a little uncomfortable- don’t think he’s got a credit card. Anyway, I said ‘I’ve been staying here a lot longer than you’ve been working here mate, I’m going to go across the road and book into the Admiral and then I’m gonna send the bill for the accommodation and the difference to your boss’ anyway he finally booked us in. It wouldn’t hurt for you to give them a call and let them know that Mr.____ had a bit of trouble with the guy at the front counter, he was a young guy, the boss needs to have a word with him, he’s a real little smart arse. Imagine if the Premier wasn’t in the Who’s Who and I was…. Look out! I’m comin’ for your job haha, wouldn’t go down too well I reckon. Who’s gonna drive me to the airport?”

Major in Margerine. Minor in Orange J

My new name is Shandwick Collostomy. I drink chocolate milk out of a plastic bag through aqaurium tubes. I wear nothing but off white;string vests, Y-fronts, bus driver socks and karate shoes. No one messes with me. I get my own seat on the bus. I bite hot pies and let gravy spew down over my milky white chest. I am desicated dandruff. I am grease. I am yeast. Feel my sweaty palms.

Forever bum cracks and armpits,
Shandwick Colostomy.

Barrometer

Hot:
*Facial Fuzzzzz. I can buy beers without the younger cash machine worker asking me for ID. "Here's my ID bitch, facial fuzzz!"
Not:
*Facial Fuzzzzz. I have dole rash.

Hospital drugs, the terrible two and the vaseline conjunctivitis

I've just got out of Hospital. I had my tonsils removed. I said to my boss 'I hope they take out my tonsils'. He said 'They'll pull out your tonsils and your balls will come out with them- they're connected.'

The Hospital I went to was small and old. I don't have private health insurance no more. In the waiting room, I leant on a table. The table had dried blood on it.

My operation went pretty well. I remember lying on the operating table waiting for the anethetist to shoot me high. like always he said ' a sharp scratch' and you feel a little pinch. But this time it was a little different, about five seconds after my shot of sleepmaker I felt the strongest pain in my left arm. It felt like my veins had been hit with electrified piss. It burnt bad, I said 'my arms really hurting' he said 'that's quite normal' and the dugite venom hit my heart and the oxygen took my mind.

I woke up in a parking lot of hospital beds with Vaseline all over my eyes.

It was in hospital, four days ago, that I became a drug addict. My throat hurt like I had a herring bone bridge where my tonsils used to be. The nurse or someone gave me a shot in my thigh. I was still feeling the anesthetic and it didn't really seem to make much difference. But hours later that night after having lame duck- no street cred-panadeine, I was hanging out for some good shit.

The bed next to me was taken by a fat troll from Rivervale. I listened as he got prepped for surge ( I have a phd). When asked if he had any problems he said ' yeah, I stop breathing.' He also said he had sleep apnea (spellink?). The nurse said that he was actually too overweight with the operation and was surprised that the doctor hadn't suggested he shed a few kilos of butter before he carved him up.

Anyway, this guy grunted, farted, sighed, mumbled, mouth farted, snored, and generally pissed me off all night. I kind of hoped he did stop breathing during his operation. (only for a short time, only for a short time.) He lied there all night in these little green undies with his bush escaping from all sides. I might seek compensation.

Anyway (x2) , i got my first real hit of peth. Man, as soon as the Samoan nurse shot that morpheate (spellink?) into my glutes I was ok. I sunk right down into that bed and let waves of darkness take my head. I was Hunter S., I was Hendrix and Cobain.

In the morning I wanted another but apparently the doctor only allocated me two hits. The fat man next to me got four, and he only had surgery on his foot, he had local anesthetic and he got four!

If I had private health insurance I could of got some to take home(probably not), Jim McGinty hates the working man. Shame Carps, shame.

I'm going to break into a hospital.

I ate

I said I was back but my testimony was whack,
but now i'm back like Downer's clap
Whoah Man!

The modern world has been riding me hard and I think it's damaged my back- it's been weighing down on me so hard. Hard, hard, hard.

Every morning I catch the 160 and every morning I see the same characters. There's buggly Mc Eyes. He is porridge with a deep south beard. He listens to ZZ Top and Led Zep on his Ipod. (I presume)He's probably a nice guy. They all probably are if we gave them a chance.

Then there is Colin. He wears the same yellow shirt every day and he can't sit down on a bus seat like a normal West Orstraylian. After putting his multi rider in his breast pocket he has to turn round one full rotation while taking his bag off. I always try and take up to seats with a little bit of slouchy-slouch leg colonisation so he doesn't sit down and breathe my air.

There is also the Mage. He's big and bald and old and smells like damp boardshorts. It's because he lives in a cave and listens to 12" old time rock in rell records in the dank. His head is big and pink and his ears are serious.

Every morning I pass the same church on St.George's Terrace. You know how some churches try and attract new meat with funny (ha ha ha god is cool- I was so wrong. Let's write letters to the local paper about how Muslims might rape girls in bikinis) billboards out the front? ie. .... actually I don't have a good example but it goes something along the lines of witty word play+pop culture reference+ new testament reference= come in suckers.

Anyway, this church has billboards but kind of misses the point.
Church" There is no such thing as a small act of kindness" Whoah heavy. Did they steal that from the quotes near the "all in the family" cartoon in the Reader's Digest? Man I'm gonna repent. One of the messages- they change it every now and again because fashion changes every day and they have got to tap into today's market- really missed the mark.

"Everyone thinks about changing the world but no one thinks about changing themselves" What? I think people living in the thousands (kill me) think more about changing themselves than changing the world. Screw my brother man, I'm gonna pump weights all day, get a fake tan and have a few extra centimeters added to my John Howard.

I'm Back, Rabies

I've just got back from Melbourne. For work. Here is a story.
We were sitting at a conference dinner and the night's 'entertainment' was announced. "SWe have a special treat for you tonight, Susan (Elaine/Judy/Jill/Offal) will be running a musical session. It's a little different to what you might be expecting- I'll give you a clue; she won't be singing."

"She's going to strip!" yelled my boss.

No one laughed.

"The last time I was in StKilda I was in this bar and there was this woman that I was drinking with and she got up on the bar and took off all her clothes and then she wanted me to pay her and I said I didn't tell her to do it," My Boss, Melbourne 2006
(The entertainment was a musical quiz featuring music that appealed to the crowd. They'd heard the tunes as they sat in car parks, on televsion ads or on the shitty 'hits for the lowest com denom' FM radio played at their doctor while they waited to to ask questions about constipation.)

Alot of people have asked me how to make pate'. see above recipe. I also included Jelly as a freebee.(picture wouldn't upload- imaging a pig in a blender and a goose in similar blender. ha ha excellent huh?)
Things that i have noticed lately : Most people are a waste of time (tm)
The Worldcup is good because Yugoslavian dudes finally get some respect.
A kitchen hand on the bus tried to convince a 15 year old bricky's labourer that he was paying off a $3 million apartment. "yeah 2 million to go mate". then he asked how much the kid got payed and asked if he could hook him up with a job because he needed a steady income to pay off his pad which has a ten grand sound system that he made himself.
He also burns porno movies on cd's then stamps them with a Playstation stamp so his girlfriend doesn't know. He is really really good at playstation. Got all the cars in Grand Turismo.





jerk

Classical Economics and the Peanut Butter Love Glove

Back in the days when I used to smoke weed I ate a big bag of Cheetos a couple of times. Man, those two go hand in hand. I ate a pack again the other day and felt like I sucked more MSG than two kilos worth of instant Mi Goreng. For the unacquainted, Cheetos are these super orange cheez(it’s a powder) and bacon balls. They make your fingers go fluoro orange like you’ve been giving Ernie and Bert proctology exams. I reckon they’d give anaphylactic and asthmatic kids wheeze attacks. “Mum uh uh uh Mum!!! Uh uhwhheeeso wheeeeeessssy”

The best thing about Cheetos is their mascot Chester. The back of the bag is entirely dedicated to listing Chesters Rad facts.
Favourite apparel: Sleek pair of shades (sleek pair of shades!! Awesome Radical Surfboarding!)
Favourite Snack: Cheetos (Well duh! Me too Chester, me too. I cry until my mum buys them for me every day and I eat them at school in the toilets. Awesome!)
Favourite pattern: Spots (I have spots but they aren’t my favourites. I hate tinea but I love you Chester!!!)
Occupation: Amateur Skater and Surfer (I go to school. I liked year 6 so much I’m doing it again)
Fave pastime: Catching radical air on half pipes and hanging gnarly on great waves (Hey Chester I don’t like swimming or roller skating. I do like rubbing back and forth on my belly on the soft mats in the gym at school)

Ethnography

Do you ever wonder if the women behind the cosmetic counters at Myer cry into their Lean Cuisine at night? That section is harsh- the lights are turned up so high that you start feeling dehydrated after 30 seconds. Light bounces off all the surfaces and everything doubles as a mirror. The employees have bee-hive hair, turtlenecks and are called Jan. Jan’s wear too much makeup and perfume. Jan’s get married to barrel chested Barry’s who eat too much meat and womanise. If Jan didn’t work at Myer she would be nicer. Her desperate turkey wrinkles and white pumps would fade. Ethnography.

Karren spends too much time with her mother-in-law. They shop together every weekend. Karren collects watches “if they are on special I gotta get them. My boyfriend says ‘don’t you bring back another stuffin watch”. Karren laughs at dick jokes. She probably needs to eat more raw vegies and get some roughage. I’m not sure why she shaves off her eyebrows and draws them back on with caramel coloured pencils. They’re either on or off lady. Ethnography.

Ken is a social climber. “It’s funny you should mention Robert” even if the mention was brief “He and I both love fishin’. We’re getting to know each other real well.” Ken bluffs his way, feels he has nack for that kinda thing. His nose looks like it has been chewed by a rat. He talks too much about himself. He talks too much about himself. Ethnography.

wick-wick-wicka-work

The first thought that goes through my head when I begin a new job is "It's going to feel really good when I quit this job." Every single job I've ever had. What will I say when I leave? Should I wear short shorts and a gortex jacket? I bet you Nas doesn't have to sit at a desk and talk to boring people. I bet you Nas says " Awwww hell" and goes out and buys ten pairs of Basketball shoes. I bet you Nas eats fried chicken whenever he feels like it and washes it down with a chocolate protein shake. I bet Nas has super tough dogs and a black car.
"To see me on the street without a pound of reefer would be like Malcom X catching the jungle fever" Ain't gonna happen is it Nas?
"Damn straight fool."

Hip Hop has been ruling my life lately.

WANTED

I'm looking for anyone that wants to start a graff gang. I saw the most ghetto scene ever on late night SBS-Run down, trashed, outer limits Philly. Against the wall of crack basement someone had written "Boys in the hood" in the dodgiest writing. It's probably the coolest graff I've seen all year. Anyone that wants to buy flanno overcoats, baggy jeans, and Nike Air Zooms and get 'boys in the hood' mad with me just let me know.

I also want to start a skate gang. We'll rip the sleeves off our shirts so we go faster. We'll rock wide boards, no less than 8's, and bomb car parks. We gotta grow our hair long and give each other crocodile tattoos.

Does anyone want to start a hipster art band? Not the crap you hear on JJJ but a real art band. take the dissonance of a stoned out Youth solo and mix it with grind. We'll be called Goliath. We'll wear eye patches and smash our 50 buck guitars (two guitars no bass) against the drums. We'll never wash and play samples through old casio clock radios.

I'm gonna start a Beagle wrestling club. I'm training Louie up for a battle. Kid knows how to roll- that's gonna come in bloody handy. Beagles are mad tough. Louie has spent the arvo pruning my bonsais. He's a perfectionist. What Louie didn't dig was ripped straight off. He said really bonsais are meant to look gnarled and chewed. He told me to stop being such a whiny yank and learn to let stress roll off my shores like the winds of San Diego. He's obviously brain damaged.

achoo achoo achoo

Brrrrrrrrrrrm brrrrrrrrrrrrrrm!!! skweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelly!!

Have you noticed how the construction workers hang the union flag on top of buildings through out the construction process? I like it. Where the old Raffles hotel used to stand, huge luxury apartments are being built, I think each floor sells for more than a million. Any way, it’s this large shiny building, all glass and hard, and on the top hangs the union flag. The workers are claiming territory.

A girl at work asked if I had any hobbies, if I played any sports. I said “ hell yeah, I love sniffing glue and fruit-booting”. (I actually might have said that I enjoyed surfing) I was then obliged to also ask if she had any hobbies.
“I like makeup and stuff.”
“Have you ever thought of becoming a beautician?”
“Yeah I have.” As you can see our conversation was zipping along, full of wit and mutual interest. But then she dropped a bomb for which I am forever grateful, it made my day.
“Oh, and I love burnouts. Really love burnouts. I guess that’s kinda a sport. My boyfriend has a Torana, I love it when we take it out.”
Man, I’ve never met anyone who counted burnouts as a hobby- and I used to live in Bunbury which is next to Australind!
I was blown away and probably a little in shock.
“I hate burnouts,” I said. And that’s where our conversation ended.

Later I heard her talking to her boyfriend on the phone, “Mister when you get back you owe me a burnout…….yeah a burnout and a doughnut….. No, I’ll be real pissed off if you drink ten beers and try and drive to my house hahahaha.”

I shit you not, this is true. Man………..

I have nothing.