Hiatus

I'm going to Japan tomorrow for a couple of weeks. Probably won't be updating this blog while I'm away. I will, however, be downing Yebisu and slurping soba.

Am sure to return with tales of my social retardedness and chafe.

I'm a photographer

I made this look crap on purpose. I'm a genius like that

Ethnography and teh search for Good Clean Fun

You know that fuckface in your class in year 8 that recounted lines from 'Friends' like it was the funniest shit ever in some faux homogenous american accent? "Ross is so funny!! Chandler, ohmygawd Chandler! He's the funniest!!!HAHAHAH Friends is the best show ever. I'm 12% retarded. Chicken is a food group. I'm going to smoke a pen".

That kid grows up and gets worse. They get a job, unfortunately breed, and work for a decade or so. Hit 35 and decide that they need a little more zing in their lives. They think back to when they were the happiest, as a 13 year old making curly haired kids wheeze cheezles at their verbatim regurgitation of pulpy sitcom paff. They were funny. They were fucking funny! 'That's what I am! A comedian! It all makes sense now. I'm quitting my job, well maybe not yet, but soon and I'm going to become a comedian and give the greatest gift of all! '

And Mark from year 8, now a 35 year old female, pulls on the docs and unicorn T-shirt and embarks on a career of professional funny. I've done some research.

Example one: Kim the Kidder



Kim could have gone to school with you. She's a bag of laughs. A real dry, witty American comedian.
Here's a little about her from her myspace (warning: extreme side splitting may occur LOL!!!!!!!1111!!!!)

"ABOUT ME:

IM BASICALLY LIVING A LIFE OF QUIET DESPERATION.I HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS TO ONE OF YOUR QUESTIONS,I WAS TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL AND THEY NEVER CALLED BACK,IM LOST IN THE SAUCE,IVE HEARD IT THRU THE GRAPEVINE,CUZ THE PHONE WASNT WORKING.YOU CAN LEAD A HORSE TO WATER BUT YOU CANT MAKE HIM FISH.THE GRASS IS GREENER,BEFORE YOU SMOKE IT.... "

Kim is totally kooky.

"I DIDN'T SLEEP A WINK LAST NITE
CUZ I ACCIDENTLY TOOK A VIAGARA AND I WAS UP ALL NITE"

HAHAHAHAHAH! Kim! My mind is melting. That was funny because Viagra gives people erections!!! Ha!

"I FOUND OUT I MUST ALSO BE A MAGICIAN,,,

CUZ AS SOON AS I TAKE OFF MY CLOTHES,,,PEOPLE DISSAPEAR,,,,I GUESS THATS WHY MY STRIPPER NAME IS THE BITTER DISSAPOINTMENT..."

WHAT!!???!!! HAHAHAHHAHAH KIM! No emoticons can describe the level of laughter I am producing! 'Bitter Dissapointment'! Oh no you didn't!! HAHAHA. LAL

"CALLED DRS. TODAY TO FIND OUT HIS NEW LOCATION,,
RECEPTIONIST ASKED ME IF I WANTED TO KNOW WHERE HE PRACTICED,,,I SAID 'HELL NO, I WANNA KNOW WHERE HE GETS IT RIGHT,,,'"

This one is political. I appreciate a comedian who can make comment on pressing issues. It's smarter comedy ' a smile in the mind' if you will. Americans have an inequitable public health system. Actually, maybe this is a racist joke about immigrant doctors. Kim, maybe clarify when you use this joke in performance. Other than that, massive joke.

Things learned: CAPSLOCK MAKES JOKES FUNNIER. ALWAYS USE IT.


Example 2: Maureen Sullivan


Maureen is more of your 'smart man serious pants' comedian in comparison to the no holds barred stylings of Kim the Kidder. But don't think for one minute that Maureen doesn't have what it takes to party with the big girls. Maureen throws down.

"Clean stand up comedy-observational and healthcare related humor. Truth be known, Im Irish, Catholic, divorced and remarried, overweight, out of shape, and a nurse.....whats NOT to talk about! "

Ha! This really appeals to me. She's not afraid to have a little laugh at herself and she keeps it clean. I bet she makes a mean cheesecake as well. (Notice use of upper case 'NOT'. That's obviously the joke catalyst). Clean jokes are just a little bit cleverer. I mean we can all say 'fanny' and get a cheap laugh but I like my comedy with some brain.

Note to Kim: This is how it's done.
Aw, Crap!


See how she works the room. The audience is hanging on every word. And the punchline! My god! Obviously in this case crap isn't a swear word. This is probably in a bar where things are a little bit more adult. Obviously Maur Maur wouldn't be 'crapping' in politer company. But this is a bar. You can do a lot of things in bars and I'm pretty sure with Jokes like that Maureen wouldn't have picked up a young buck and got super adult. Then she would have made a joke about it , some maths based joke fooling around with the amount of times 18 can go into 55. 'Let me tell you ladies, a lot more times than you'd think. Don't forget to carry the one!!' I'm not sure what she means by 'carry the one' but it's sex innuendo and you don't have to understand. it's funny because it's about SEX!.

Actually, I think she's a sex pest.
The rest of you are perverts!


She does seem to bully kids though. Maybe I like 'The Kidder' better.
My biggest fan!


'Who's your favourite comedian Rory? It's ME isn't it. Say yes or I'll burn your eyelids with a cigarette!'


Kids you went to school with. What's up with them?

Robotussan. Suck me down.

Modest Mouse used to be a great band. I mourn for them. The first album mixes perfect amounts of depression and cough medicine.


I agree though, they suck now.

The key to getting girls: Part 0ne

Let them eat as much chocolate as they want (this is a large amount). Hold their hand and take them out the backyard for a vomit.

I know a red head kid that stuck a knife in the mouth of his girlfriend's fish to remove a rock (this is code). He now calls himself the 'Fish surgeon' (V. crude).

The Skulls Come Running

Vegan Cult Comes

Freckly faced friends, slender fingered girls and other loveable characters,

It has came to my intention that the vegan cult is growing in number. In fact I feel them closing in like the sweet suck of a puppies gums before they get all bite bite bite- no toes. I walked out of TAFE today and saw this :

Oh yes, you're right; that is Superior Master Ching Hai looking down on you from atop a building which probably houses cult members dressed in peach coloured tracksuits (or those mail order Snuggies) repeatedly brushing their curly hair and preparing for the end of the world.

Here's a closer look


That's Superior Master Ching Hai. Notice how Australia is going underwater. WA seems to be the safest place. No daylight savings but no flooding. It's a toss up. I think her plan is to enslave us all and get us to work in her salt mine. 'Salt! Salt! I love salt!' she will yell and rub big handfuls from between her breasts over her rich Superior Master belly. I'm onto this shit. Journalism degree is coming into handy. I'm blowing the roof right off this story. It starts here. Just like I uncovered the stolen trolly racket:Here and Here and also here I'm a modern day Hunter S. Thompson. I'm sipping cough medicine and getting hot scoops. I'm wearing a bath robe and oiling my hair.

Also; this is the church across the road from TAFE.

Real people? More like real douchebag stock photos.

Journalism. I'm doing it.

Poorly.

Dead Sharks and The Rockingham Shakes

My brother went away on a prawn boat with this guy. Dude was a meth head trying to get off the gear. Decided the best idea was to head out to sea for a month at a time. I'm pretty sure the guy would have got the Rockingham Shakes by the first night. I'm sure he would have been a great companion in the friendly world of professional fishing. I think he pulled the plug after a week or two. I kind of feel sorry for him. Actually, I definitely do.

Pubble Moi

Pure Blonde?
Aryan beer?
Pale Ale?
Aryan beer?

Lion Nathan. I'm onto you and your Jew hating ways. A million torches are shining on you now. Democracy in action. Fascists!

A Strange Experience in Little Kardinya

Vegan.

Vaygun.

Vegan Cult? Yes, actually there is one and I, my little freckly faced friend, am about to blow the roof right off it. (That's a metaphor ASIO- just in case they're monitoring my blog. Can't be too careful). I attended a Vegan restaurant in the carpark of a large shopping centre that I will allege is a cult.

'A cult?' you say.

'That's what I said' I say.

And here is mine reasoning. I did a lot of research about cults last year. I watched at least half a day's worth of youtube videos about cults, cult leaders and puppies escaping from cages. I freaked myself out. Look up 'Heaven's Gate initiation tape' and you too will be scarred. Actually don't. It's legit the scariest shit I have seen. Actually do look it up. I'd feel better if someone shared my fear. I feel that this makes me an expert; or a le' expertit as our French cousins would say, on all things cult.

The atmosphere in the restaurant was quite odd. Fluoro lights and lino and a line of staff all wearing the same t-shirt and tracksuit pants.

'Did they have Nikes on ?' you ask.

'I did not notice, but you seem to know a little about cults' I say 'I have noticed that'.

They watched us. We sat at the table and one of them said something about vegan food and protecting the earth blah blah. I started to feel uncomfortable. She said 'Pay what you like and then help yourself to the food' which was in a bais marie (how the hell do you spell that. Oh the French, no wonder the Limey's hate you). When we walked down to serve a portion a woman who had obviously been watching us popped out of nowhere and said 'The food is not ready yet. Please sit down.'

'Poison!!??!!' you interject.

'Fake fish' I say.

Anyway the food tray gets loaded with soy protein cooked in various fake meat ways. Please don't be eager and sexist and assume that I have no time for vegan cuisine. I do. Lord knows I eat anything. A few more wait staff pop up and look at us. I start to sweat on my inner thigh.

We approach the table and I say quite calmly 'GUYS THIS IS A CULT! A CULT!' but my companions are too busy eating sweet and sour not-pork. I look up and there is a projector playing 'Supreme Master TV'. No shit! Supreme Master. Look that up. The station keeps repeating the same message 'Go Veg save the planet'. Over and over again this is repeated. Every two minutes. And then a death clock appears. A voice says '1337 days'. They actually play this at a restaurant! Apparently there are 1337 days before the world starts dying.

I am freaking out inside this restaurant. I feel sorry for my friend. He has a full head of red hair and would surely be a prize piece upon the lap of the cult leader. He pays no heed to my warnings though. He didn't believe me the time I told him about the nesting seagulls and how they would probably kill anyone on the beach if they got to close to the dunes. Oh no he wouldn't believe me and it looked like he wasn't about to start waking up and see the world for what it really was. A world where gulls kill and vegan cults pet red head boys!

Anyway, hysterics aside, the place was a legitimate cult. It's run by Supreme Master Ching Hai followers. Look that up. She doesn't seem super evil but she sure does seem to be making a ton of cash for an environmental warrior. Actually, she got busted in California for clearing mangroves to make an illegal boardwalk and fake island.

So there you have it my freckly faced friend.

BEAGLE CULT

Praise the marrow. Let the ocean howl. Four paws are gonna tear this world apart.
BGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLTBGL CLT

We get up.

We get up. Oh how we zig. I'm the puff from a bee sting, all welts and rose. I'm the electric eel, all piss and sake. I ride my bike down the biggest hills and hold back on the brakes. I'm going to whir into your garden, push spokes through hydrangea. Smash myself into your roller door, topple your birdbath, let the petals fly.

Daylight savings. Referendum.

Col Barnetta and the Tombstone Grill. Nibble nose.

Shai Hulud. Hearts Once Nourished. The artwork for the new album (newer album) is horrendous. It pretty much fell apart after the first LP. I want to hear about hating the human race, hopelessness and doom, not dragons and deathglam misfires. It's like the rap game, knee deep in the crack game. I don't want to hear about bbqs and positivity. I need to hear about selling kilos of coke and letting clips drop, black steel, crybabies and the great ghostdieni. Scrubbing my wallabies down with my Illmatic toothbrush. Moesha, you a bag o'chips and all dat.

Dip Life

I actually got this piece into an exhibition and it sold. I was amazed. Really cool.

I'm getting a little tubby. I went to the bottle shop and bought a bottle of gin. This should get me off the beer and improve my poetry. Bombay Sapphire, I feel our situation's dire, for I have no job and you my dear, you my dear, are nought but an inanimate object with a neck too slender.

There you go. I'm a West Australian Bright Eyes or a wabe as we call them down at the river while we sharpen pencils and fly brown paper kites. Oh how we fop.

Bad Buzz. 1st LP

I feel sorry for my dog sometimes. Cats keep pissing on our doorstep and in our driveway. He can't do anything about it. He just has to sit there behind the otherside of the gate as these seedy loiterers post dirty messages all over the front of his castle. They're all smug, like cats are (Garfield anyone? Scientific evidence right there!) and call me and him 'homos' under their breath. Louie said we should get a water snake and let it loose on them. Then we could get a roast chicken each and go down to the river and split a pack of cold and flu tabs and a bottle of red. Get bad buzzed.

Call Helen the nextdoor neighbour as I have fallen and hurt myself quite severely and need urgent medical attention urgently

Vasco De Gama, or Vaseline Pyjamas as I and Leunig 'the Jew hating scribbler' like to call him, was a magnificent man. For he invented Los Americanos, or as I and Colin 'the dandruff flaking toilet water officianado' like to call it ; The America. He found it by sailing across vast lakes and billabongs. It was nested at the bottom of Canadia - later to become Candida and the Thrushy plains. Vaseline Pyjamas declared that the new world would be a land where men could dig holes and kick rocks with freedom. He proceeded to say that The America was greater than France and that he would never go back, nor would he continue to sleep with curly red heads as he had discovered a country and no longer needed to slum it.

God I love you.

PO Bollox

I've gone to get my passport two times this week and been denied each time. The first time they were too busy. You don't 'need' an appointment but you need an appointment. The second time they wouldn't process it because my guarantor had changed a letter from an 's' to a 'c'! You fascists at the post office, you're killing me. I have a feeling it's going to take me at least three weeks to get them to finally process it. I asked the repeatedly today that everything else besides the small alteration was ok and they said 'yes'. I should have gotten that in writing. I should have recorded it with a camera. I should have made them sign I stat dec. I know when I return something else will be wrong. Post Office Nazis, Howard is dead. Go down to the carpark and cram yourself full of Postman Pat DVDs.

Unstoppable Magic.

The woman next door is from another country. I hear her yell at her son. More like scream and moan. She seems a little psycho. He moans back. Other than that they are extremely quiet and hardly ever leave the house. Kind of sad.

Quotes that are my life

Cutting my own hair is the only option for me. i never know what to tell a barber and they always want to talk to me- Andy Jenkins

I can't get down with hairdressers. The conversation winds out before halfway through and I look into the mirror and sort of smile like I'm cool with the situation. I try and think of something to say and then cancel it out because it's been to long to break the silence. I find myself asking 'so how long have you been cutting hair' and they tell me and I say 'oh'. Dead end. Dead end.

The other day, when you came over, I was really there, but I hid and pretended not to be home.- Andy Jenkins

This definitely happened regularly about 6 years ago. Should be preceded by 'I've smoked a couple of cones and am borderline skitzo.' I won't pick up the phone either. Or leave the house. You're all out to get me. Weed and coffee. Fuck the birds. They're after me . Ganging up. Gonna peck my eyes. Ethan Fowler I want to skate rails.

Mountain Bread

Can't stop, won't stop. Oliver, Jamie. Cherub Lips.

Sweet lebanese cakes. I can't stop eating you. I'm huffing them, I'm eating one and then smashing seven. I can't stop. There's a massive box full of little pieces secretly holding crushed pistachios/walnuts/cardamon/rosewater/honey. I'm in an arabic brothel and I can't control myself. I'm going to be so fat. Armpits are gonna swell and my hair will probably fall out. Legs are getting whiter all ready. Pretty soon I'll be driving a Waverunner and wearing a gold chain from Zamels jewellers. That's what happens when you eat too much cake. Every chubby woman you see with curly hair and a fat paw full of chingy rings driving a 4WD has gorged herself every afternoon on supermarket sponge cake, Auntie Pat's cheescake, and blackforrest atrocities. She does this while drinking a cup of instant cappucino and yelling at her kids to go play out side. This is a fact. I stand by it.

Oh boy oh boy. Chemical warfare.

How bad is my spelling?

I know, I know.

I've seen the future, can't see the past. The middle is gold.

Shouldn't have cut my hair.

This is perfect, just perfect. Four dudes feeling it. Flip yo wig.

Skuhls

I swam so hard at the pool today that when I got out my legs felt like jelly, all wobbly like fat woman's unsupported breasts in a comfy T-shirt she wears every office Christmas party. That, broseph, is eh zackery how I felt. All free and clammy simultaneously. I then skulled some water and felt like I was going to chuck. Like Ben Cousins after he's shown football how it's meant to be played. Kickity kick kick kick marker mark mark.

Upson, who was the toughest kid in all of primary school, told me that he'd love to be a woman so he could 'ride a horse all day with a dildo on the saddle'. Looking back this was a rather odd thing to say. I did not question his comment. I merely laughed as he had said 'dildo' which was, as a year seven, close to the pinnacle of funniest things ever in the whole world.

shay colley

shay colley

Wicky Wicky Wah Wicky Wah

Hold up! Uhhh. Ghostface Uh Uh.

I had an epiphany one night while under the influence of deep considering agents. Ghostface is probably the greatest monicker a man could ever coin. Like Ghostface. Ghost face. Ghostface. Consider that. And then he adds Killah. Ghostface Killah. Extreme genius. Although some of his newer stuff is pretty lameo - songs about his Momma and collaborations with some pretty limp wristed R&B douchebags, he's still pretty dreamy. Tony Starks I salute thee.

One of my uncles is the Ghostface Spillah. He spilt some soft drink on the floor at a cousin's engagement party, looked down, and then stood in front of it like nothing happened.Like a ghost did it. A move that was as calculated and raw, rugged and raw, as Shaolin's finest. Well not really. But if Wu Tang was made up of wooly haired finance managers he might be in it. Well not really. My girlfriend saw this and told me about it.

Chemical warfare,chemical warfare,chemical warfare, warfare, warfare, warfare.

Smash these Cobraheads

One time, a decade and a half ago, I pressed pause on the video player so I could trace the face of a GI Joe off the screen with grease proof paper and a pencil. I held the paper up against the static and followed the curves with a blunt HB. When I removed the paper a linear ghost of the army man remained on the screen. He didn't go anywhere when the scenes progressed, he just remained there, stubbornly. He interrupted City's of Gold and annoyed DJ from Degrassi Junior High. He was always like 'lets smash these cobra heads!' and the Degrassi students were like ' I think I have AIDS/I'm pregnant/ I did a trip with rat poison and jumped off a bridge and now have brain damage and an aggression problem you BITCH!' But the old Private didn't listen. He just looked on with his American jaw line and army man beret. The TV was old and small and eventually he faded from the glass. I like to think he's up in heaven smashing Cobraheads and teaching Canadian middle schoolers about smashing Cobraheads. Maybe in heaven, they will listen. Just like that song about Vincent Van Gogh.

The top shelf of the fridge has a million bottles and jars of condiments that have only been half consumed. Interesting, I hear you say. Really interesting. I'm sure you have the same problem. Would this make a good comedy routine? Have I found that situation that everybody has experienced and then can I point it out so everybody will say 'Ha! It's so true, that;s what happened to me! I'm not alone, this comedian, this one right here, he is my man. He sees the truth and then says it and we all laff and no one gets hurt. Clean humour. None of that FUCKDAMMITHERBITCHIN this and that. This is clever comedy. Clever, clever, clever."

What about this one. 'Have you ever stolen a brick from the nextdoor neighbour's shed and gone home to the safety of your own back yard to cover it in vaseline and give it the mother of all tongue lickings only to find that in your eagerness you've forgotten to duct tape the eyes of your dog? ' . 'That's so embarrassing' they will laugh and will hover to old thoughts of when they were caught by their mother soaping eggs in the birdbath without the aid of a dog's milk moistened towelette.

Also;



Best album of the year? I think so.

Better than Propagandhi even. There I said it.

Brendan Eats Lizard

I'm not sure who made this but it's hella.

Terminator X speaks with his hands

I saw a man with a moustache and a large mullet the colour of a German Shepherd when I was waiting for my bus. I was scared for my safety. This guy clearly had no sense of social norms which made me feel that he was a potential predator. Another guy on the bus looked like Trent Reznor with a dodgy goatee. He had a T shirt on that said 'Republicans for Voldemort' which may be funny if you are say, a twelve year old kid who thinks they know about American politics, but is completely retarded if you are, say, a 37 year old man with died black hair. It makes me think you get your politics from South Park. It also makes me think you're probably trying to date 14 year old girls. I feared for my safety.

Things you see on a walk

I was walking the dog not far from where I live. In a ten meter stretch I saw a used tampon, a couple of broken bottles and a used condom. I wonder if they were connected? They could have been. Maybe someone had a binge drinking kinky date on the footpath? Daniel Upson told us in primary school that used condoms were called 'jam donuts'. In hindsight I think he probably meant 'cream donuts' - it seems more fitting. Adrian Brown called female genitalia 'pancakes'. I'm not sure if this term was widespread through out the wider Bunbury area or if it was more a term indigenous to my primary school. We also had the turn 'bum jabber' and 'cecil' for pansies. Total bad arse year 7 terminology. 'Can I borrow your sharpner?'
'I don't have one'
'Yes you do'
'No I don't you dicksnap'.