I walk the streets of London like 'ya' know what I mean?'

I told some kids yesterday that I hated Jim Carrey.

They wouldn't believe me. 'He's awesome!'


I said 'I hope he fucking dies'.

Conspiracksy

I was at the shops down the road tonight and I turned around and there was a Priest behind me in line! They actually exist - not just in BBC rural parish drama series! He was buying bread! Bread!! They eat with their mouths!!

Yesterday I was mowing my lawn. My neighbour from Manilla pulled into his driveway just as I was priming the engine. He came over and asked me how the lawn mower worked. I showed him all the features "you put the petrol in there', 'the blades are like a fan', 'it can run over sticks!' He'd only ever used the person powered push versions.

He asked me if he could watch. Then he stood on his lawn and watched me mow my entire front lawn. I smiled at him occasionaly. He crossed the road and stood on the foot path to get a better view.

Deep Blue Say Ah

It's Friday night and I'm at home alone drawing pictures, listening to depressing music and drinking tea and I'm loving it. I'm a deep character.

I had to ring an artist in Seattle from work today. We needed shots of his work for an article in our magazine (it's like 20 pages- maybe not a magazine). Anyway, I punched in about 13 numbers and waited. American phones ring different, like a bee drunk on cough syrup dying in your ear calmly humming out it's last drugged out breath. He wasn't there and I left a long and convoluted message on his answering machine. I imagined his apartment and his head. Thought about night time in Seattle.

La' Grande Chuzzler uh.

The other night I was talking to a young doctor at the Subiaco hotel. She seemed a little scratchy, like a glitchy record, one of those people that could easily make you feel like drinking yourself into a coma and collapsing in a corner to avoid hearing their opinions on

We started talking about the upcoming state election and she went in to overdrive. "I've grown up with Labor politicians at my house" She wanted me to know this. She said it about five times. Then she told me that they actually smoked weed- they were 'potheads'. Didn'tyaknow?

"Eric Ripper has basically been the Premier of Western Australia for the last five years. He's a great guy." And on, and on. When ever I think of Eric Ripper I think of the time he and Geoff gallop went to the Peters Ice Cream factory (I'm not really sure why - some dairy farmers. Anyway, both of them were decked out in those white smocks with little whit hats on holding Drumstick icecreams. Ripper was murdering his. They were probably going to get a few press shots inside the factory with some machinery in the background, you know smiley smile. But Ripper couldn't wait. He was ripping his apart "MMMMMUMMUUU ICECREAM!!!!!" There was milky residue running down his sausage fingers as he pushed the cone further up into his grand moustache chuzzler. There was so much perversity in his eyes - it was almost akin to a sex crime.

Bush fire moon

A girl fell asleep on the bus today. Like rolled her eyes back and zonked out with her mouth all open. The bus went around a corner and she slumped into the dude next to her. He was sort of polite and let her lean against him while feeling uncomfortable at the same time. She came to and realised she was leaning into a guy sitting on a bus. She jolted up and wiped the drool from her mouth. One time a guy, who looked like a cross between a deputy principal and an accountant, fell asleep next to me. He leant right into me and I tried to be all cool but it got a bit annoying. I gave him a little nudge, all hip and shoulder like, and he still didn't open his dumb eyes. I noticed that he had pink nail polish on and wondered how it got there.

Each day my bus drives past the burnt out remains of another bus. It caught on fire and basically burnt to death. When I see it I pretend I'm in Palestine. A girl in my primary school's mum's car caught on fire once. The de-mister on the back window heated up and then burnt the shit out of the back of her car. My best friend walked with her to the end of the oval and then moonied her. I thought it was the greatest thing ever. Our teacher gave him a lecture on sexual harassment. The teacher was a douche. My friend was rad.