I had a burger today that was mainly mayonnaise. The patty was like a sweaty piece of liver that had leaked mayo all over the other inhabitants of the bun. I felt like some sort of sick-freak sucking at a wet tissue as I tried to glomp the whole sloppy mess down my guzzler. I mean, I love mayonnaise. I basically have sex with Kewpie such is my desire for the white-demon. But this was crazy over the top. Like the amount of thigh this chubby woman was showing on the train this afternoon. Holy manatee oh the humanity!
Lets not fuck around. I respect the burger maker. He gave me the real deal. Obviously he was a fiend. Some kind of strung-out egg-jam chuzzlepot. He'd worked himself up to a high level of tolerance. His liver was producing enough bile each day to rip and disperse fat like some sort of NASA grade detergent. I mean, his gall-bladder was the size of a blood orange. I could see a lump in his polo-shirt just south and to the right of his belly button. The guy was chasing 'clag-clag' harder than any man I've ever seen (this includes dead men). He thought I could hack it.
He thought I could take that eggy-jizz and digest. But I'm only used to small binges. I'm not a lifer. Just smash it every now and again when there's nothing else going. I couldn't take it. It made me feel like my organs were going to grease out of me in one foul schlooooop. I could feel small clouds of clag puffing themselves around my heart. I was fucked.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
Swinging Appetites
Have you seen how manny shitty food blogs there are on the information superhighway? There is definitely more than 20 and they all seem to have these overexposed photos of some sloppy looking savoury panckae roll covered in a brown sauce that looks like it came fresh from the vein of a heavy-drinking porta-potty.
The worst is guys that take like twelve photos of their 'Special Nacho Recipe' and then list the amazing ingredients. "One tin of J.D. Flagellation's Mexicana Nacho Mix (try the 'texan hot' if you are feeling adventurous), one pack of Cheetos Cheez and Bakon Ballz (or you could use Oreos), one pack of Fiddly Phil's Down South Avocado Dip, one pack of shredded American Cheddah. Put in Microwave until cheez melts - can be up to 5 minutes. Eat with spoon. Mmmm, delicious homestyle cooking". And then I imagine they tell every girl they meet about how they are probably the best cook they know and how they must try their nachos one day but I can't give away the recipe as it's a secret. My mum told me before she died of constipation.
What's the best is looking at the photos on these blogs. Every single one looks like it was taken on swinger's night just before they got to the sex bit. Liked they'd liquored up, eaten a meal and made a bit of small talk, perhaps someone had said "I'm stuffed but still have room for some more" or something equally clever like "ooh that flan was delectable but what's for desert?" They'd say the last bit slow and all breathy. That's how you do the sex talk. So they've discussed the rules, worked out a safe word, and decide to take a few quick photos before they can finally get into the game.
"What a night, what a night!!! That's Jerry in the back there. Old Jerry had a bad back so he bought along one of those big inflatable balls. He had one of those leg braces on as well. It wasn't that sexy but I wasn't there for the guys anyway. And anyone who says I am is a liar."
"Warming up!!! No but seriously, she was a really good sport. A really good sport!"
"Wow, Fiji. These two lovely ladies were the talk of the Carnivale Night at the resort. Beautiful women, truly beautiful. Nancy is actually a cat vet and gave me some really good advice for draining Misty's abdominal cyst when I got home. Might catch her at the next gathering and see if she knows much about malting parakeets (read into this what you will LOL) but seriously - they were unstoppable!!!"
Townesville Swingers Forum. User Name :Clams
"these boys were truly unrelenting. I don't think I ever saw them sleep. They were up an about, knocking on doors at all hours of the night. We shared a very special experience on the last night."
*Of course this is satire. These people, they're all upstanding members of their respective communities. The photos just look dodgy.
The worst is guys that take like twelve photos of their 'Special Nacho Recipe' and then list the amazing ingredients. "One tin of J.D. Flagellation's Mexicana Nacho Mix (try the 'texan hot' if you are feeling adventurous), one pack of Cheetos Cheez and Bakon Ballz (or you could use Oreos), one pack of Fiddly Phil's Down South Avocado Dip, one pack of shredded American Cheddah. Put in Microwave until cheez melts - can be up to 5 minutes. Eat with spoon. Mmmm, delicious homestyle cooking". And then I imagine they tell every girl they meet about how they are probably the best cook they know and how they must try their nachos one day but I can't give away the recipe as it's a secret. My mum told me before she died of constipation.
What's the best is looking at the photos on these blogs. Every single one looks like it was taken on swinger's night just before they got to the sex bit. Liked they'd liquored up, eaten a meal and made a bit of small talk, perhaps someone had said "I'm stuffed but still have room for some more" or something equally clever like "ooh that flan was delectable but what's for desert?" They'd say the last bit slow and all breathy. That's how you do the sex talk. So they've discussed the rules, worked out a safe word, and decide to take a few quick photos before they can finally get into the game.
"What a night, what a night!!! That's Jerry in the back there. Old Jerry had a bad back so he bought along one of those big inflatable balls. He had one of those leg braces on as well. It wasn't that sexy but I wasn't there for the guys anyway. And anyone who says I am is a liar."
"Warming up!!! No but seriously, she was a really good sport. A really good sport!"
"Wow, Fiji. These two lovely ladies were the talk of the Carnivale Night at the resort. Beautiful women, truly beautiful. Nancy is actually a cat vet and gave me some really good advice for draining Misty's abdominal cyst when I got home. Might catch her at the next gathering and see if she knows much about malting parakeets (read into this what you will LOL) but seriously - they were unstoppable!!!"
Townesville Swingers Forum. User Name :Clams
"these boys were truly unrelenting. I don't think I ever saw them sleep. They were up an about, knocking on doors at all hours of the night. We shared a very special experience on the last night."
*Of course this is satire. These people, they're all upstanding members of their respective communities. The photos just look dodgy.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Swollen Memories
I got my wisdom teeth yanked out. I feel like some guy that's licked an electric eel while getting face stomped by a chubby hooker (at reasonable prices). I look like shit. I am sick of soup and dairy based deserts. I want to eat yo.
Check the swell from this
to this 24 hours later
I admit I look like some kind of sex pest in the first photo but I look like a sex pest that collects model cars and watches 60 Minutes in the second one.
Spitting blood
Check the swell from this
to this 24 hours later
I admit I look like some kind of sex pest in the first photo but I look like a sex pest that collects model cars and watches 60 Minutes in the second one.
Spitting blood
Wednesday, August 04, 2010
Constant Bust
Peanut Butter. Back in my life. For some reason I haven't eaten peanut butter for like a million years. But I bought some the other day and now can't stop weezing the gloop. I'm an orange clag mouth hyped up on the thick nut butter. When I was about twelve I would spread peanut butter (or peanut paste as I tried to call it forever) so thick on bread that when I tried to eat it my oesophagus would basically be putty-filled and I couldn't breathe. It was a god damn rush. Living year 7 on the edge, not knowing if the next sandwich would kill me, hoping, hoping to lord vishnu that there'd be enough so good and milo in my glass to bust through the dam.
The great thing about peanut butter is that it's super energy rich. I saw these guys on tv who had dragged a cart across Antartica while growing beards and talking about girls. They said they'd survived on a diet of peanut butter and chocolate. 'Interesting' you say 'tell me more about chasing the yanky dollar'. Unfortunately I am not Anthony Robbins, I will say, and I have less money than a kid, the only advice I could give you would not to go on ebay when drunk. Especially when you're the competitive type. Fuck I've got this yellow gingham shirt that my girlfriend said I must never, never wear and a pile of old National Geographics (these actually rule. They've got pictures of guys holding a turtle with a cigarette in it's mouth and some dudes slicing up a whale). I also bought some primary school chalk and a piece of shit bike from a guy in Rockingham who was drinking beers at 10.30 am. Stay away from that shit.
The other great thing about Peanut Butter is that it's actually dangerous to a heap of people. Not you though. You're super tough. Remind yourself about this as you sit on the floor in your undies spooning it into your mouth with a makeshift lego spoon. You're basically going a few rounds with a cobra. You're taking life on. Screw Koshy and his morning diatribes, screw that old lady that keeps parking shopping trolleys in the grass across from your house (don't actually screw her unless you're some sort of actual sicko), screw the real estate skeletor who won't fix your shower. This is the real deal. Third eye open and all of that.
The great thing about peanut butter is that it's super energy rich. I saw these guys on tv who had dragged a cart across Antartica while growing beards and talking about girls. They said they'd survived on a diet of peanut butter and chocolate. 'Interesting' you say 'tell me more about chasing the yanky dollar'. Unfortunately I am not Anthony Robbins, I will say, and I have less money than a kid, the only advice I could give you would not to go on ebay when drunk. Especially when you're the competitive type. Fuck I've got this yellow gingham shirt that my girlfriend said I must never, never wear and a pile of old National Geographics (these actually rule. They've got pictures of guys holding a turtle with a cigarette in it's mouth and some dudes slicing up a whale). I also bought some primary school chalk and a piece of shit bike from a guy in Rockingham who was drinking beers at 10.30 am. Stay away from that shit.
The other great thing about Peanut Butter is that it's actually dangerous to a heap of people. Not you though. You're super tough. Remind yourself about this as you sit on the floor in your undies spooning it into your mouth with a makeshift lego spoon. You're basically going a few rounds with a cobra. You're taking life on. Screw Koshy and his morning diatribes, screw that old lady that keeps parking shopping trolleys in the grass across from your house (don't actually screw her unless you're some sort of actual sicko), screw the real estate skeletor who won't fix your shower. This is the real deal. Third eye open and all of that.
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