Friday, August 20, 2010

Swinging Appetites

Have you seen how manny shitty food blogs there are on the information superhighway? There is definitely more than 20 and they all seem to have these overexposed photos of some sloppy looking savoury panckae roll covered in a brown sauce that looks like it came fresh from the vein of a heavy-drinking porta-potty.

The worst is guys that take like twelve photos of their 'Special Nacho Recipe' and then list the amazing ingredients. "One tin of J.D. Flagellation's Mexicana Nacho Mix (try the 'texan hot' if you are feeling adventurous), one pack of Cheetos Cheez and Bakon Ballz (or you could use Oreos), one pack of Fiddly Phil's Down South Avocado Dip, one pack of shredded American Cheddah. Put in Microwave until cheez melts - can be up to 5 minutes. Eat with spoon. Mmmm, delicious homestyle cooking". And then I imagine they tell every girl they meet about how they are probably the best cook they know and how they must try their nachos one day but I can't give away the recipe as it's a secret. My mum told me before she died of constipation.

What's the best is looking at the photos on these blogs. Every single one looks like it was taken on swinger's night just before they got to the sex bit. Liked they'd liquored up, eaten a meal and made a bit of small talk, perhaps someone had said "I'm stuffed but still have room for some more" or something equally clever like "ooh that flan was delectable but what's for desert?" They'd say the last bit slow and all breathy. That's how you do the sex talk. So they've discussed the rules, worked out a safe word, and decide to take a few quick photos before they can finally get into the game.

"What a night, what a night!!! That's Jerry in the back there. Old Jerry had a bad back so he bought along one of those big inflatable balls. He had one of those leg braces on as well. It wasn't that sexy but I wasn't there for the guys anyway. And anyone who says I am is a liar."

"Warming up!!! No but seriously, she was a really good sport. A really good sport!"

"Wow, Fiji. These two lovely ladies were the talk of the Carnivale Night at the resort. Beautiful women, truly beautiful. Nancy is actually a cat vet and gave me some really good advice for draining Misty's abdominal cyst when I got home. Might catch her at the next gathering and see if she knows much about malting parakeets (read into this what you will LOL) but seriously - they were unstoppable!!!"

Townesville Swingers Forum. User Name :Clams

"these boys were truly unrelenting. I don't think I ever saw them sleep. They were up an about, knocking on doors at all hours of the night. We shared a very special experience on the last night."

*Of course this is satire. These people, they're all upstanding members of their respective communities. The photos just look dodgy.

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