Crab Country

I've just got back from a trip up north where the waves are big and old people drive massive caravans with television antennas really slowly. I saw a seal, a whale, expensive groceries and some of the strangest characters I have ever met outside . It is here that I will document them.

The first was a talker. Actually they were all talkers. Didn't need any prompting either. Just kept going and going and going like some sort of generous soothsayer, except it wasn't sooth they were saying, more like getting sprayed with a constant squirt from a bullshit uzi.

We met old mate from Byron while trying to fish out on a jetty. He said he'd only "been there for as long as it took to drink two beers which was ABOUT FIVE MINUTES!!!!!!HAHHAHAHAHAHA". It was made clear quite quickly that he was obviously an exceptional guy as he could drink beer fast and talk about fishing. He told me the tide was coming in when it was going out and then quizzed us on our choice of bait. He didn't seem to grasp that we had no idea what we're doing. Blah blah blah. Then he said he had to go and that we could hold his special spot until he returned when the big fish came in. I went there and almost got eye gouged repeatedly as some ranga kid who was out before sundown tried some sort of karate rod casting moves. His beret wearing mother almost lodged a lure in my nose as she flicked her rod around like a a chubby plumper trying to whip butterflies with some dental floss. There is no way you can catch a shark(which is what I was aiming for, a hammer head or a whale shark) between someone that actually chooses to wear a beret and a hyped up rang-ingitis sufferer. Old mate had given me a big slice of the dick pie. I cursed his name and hoped that he developed weeping sores in his armpits or his son grew up to be an active member of a university guild.

The second unsavory character was sunburnt. We met him on the jetty as well. It was obviously a hang out for bull twanging men searching for some extra marital bull twang. He told us everything that was "FUCKED" about everything. Except sometimes he forgot to finish his sentences. He just left them hanging.
Things that are FUCKED:
1. Boggy Bay. I'm not really sure where this is but apparently it's "FUCKED". Don't go there. "FUCKED".
2. The jetty we were standing on. He came there when he was 11 and it was 100 times better then. You could catch fish with 'big noses on them'. It's "FUCKED" now though.
3. Fisheries inspectors. They just check buckets and shit but they don't check every bucket and some guys tip their buckets out and if you turn your lights off you can get your boat through security and one time a guy dropped his gold watch and a crab took it and he fucking pissed himself mate.
4.Everything. It's all FUCKED IT'S A FUCKING JOKE FUCKED FUCK.
This guy scared me. He was all pink. And he talked shit.

The third guy kind of looked like a stalk. He was tall and skinny and his eyes were a little too far apart. I'll call him Stretch Polo Fleece. We were at a little campsite where some bogans had come to do burn outs around the lake and drive into all the bins. He wanted to join forces with us like Voltron in case shit got rough. Wise move. If there's one thing I'm rad at it's duking it out. I'm like a salmon. Anyway he started talking to us and then paused. Then he dribbled. A big mouthful of dribble and went "Ughhhh". Then he dripped to his knees and dribbled some more. Then he heaved. I thought he was about to make like a pokemon' and bulbasaur some parmesan queef all over my Wallabees (May not actually wear Wallabees. Ghostface!) He retained his composure and said "Do you guys take tablets? Don't ever take 'em." Sound advice. Then he said we may need to use our fist against the UDL drinking bogards. "I've got something better than fists, not that I'm afraid to use them, but I've got something much better".

Awesome! I was surrounded by dudes driving tonka trucks and chucking gas bottles into fires and some wierded out yack king packing heat. Sweet dreams.

I also saw a condom with spider man webs of gack on the lawn of a caravan park. I'm guessing ol' Spidey had some sort of danger mazz in between a flotilla of Winebagos. He's a sicko and should be killed. Who jerks it with a glove on?

Genetics

You know what's a good time killer when you're super bored and it's late at night and you should be asleep? Looking at threads about denim care on the Hypebeast website. Actually, it's really boring and tedious. Nerds from LA list about a thousand ways to care for you jeans so that they look like you don't care about your jeans.

If you're running something pretty basic VivismMocCrumb suggests you take a shower with the jeans on as soon as you get home. Then you've got to go for a run or a skate (rollerblade) with still wet pants to make sure they crease in the right places. Then you have to wear them until they're dry. If they smell like wet labrador- you're doing it right. You've set the culture into the jeans (like yoghurt) and they become a living organism. What VivismMocCrumb neglects to mention is that you should always get a handful of instant coffee and pack it around your junk as a form of deodrant. Never wear underwear. The granules of Nescafe will give you a nice subtle brown colour near the groin. This is desirable. It lets everyone know that you're a strong dark character. You shovel handfuls of the most expensive instant coffee around your most treasured possesions as though it's cheap dirt. The brown triangle will never go out of fashion. Word of warning- make sure you don't shove a handful down the back.

The other thing that's weird is selvedge. You must never ever wash it. Not for two years anyway. I tried this with some jeans I bought in Japan. I got to about 8 weeks and cracked. It was summer. Smelling like gooch doesn't do anyone any favours. SupremeFiendHongKong suggests you bury your jeans in warm peat for six months and then they're ready to wear to selected events.

Super Emo Holiday 2.0

I met some English people the other day. They were really great except they didn't laugh at the greatest joke I know. I think it must have been lost in translation. I even prepped them up with useful facts and scene setting information that should have ensured that the joke would be a success and I would forever be remembered as the best part of Australia.

I said to them "What do you call bins in England, dustbins?" and they said "yes dustbins".
So I said "Well you know wheelie bins, the ones we have here" and they said "yes".
"And the guy that comes and collects the dustbins is a dustbin man?" and they said "yes" and I said "Well we call him a rubbish man".

This was great. The foundations were poured like warm Italian cement over a Fremantle backyard - I'd covered all the knowledge holes. We were level like a warm Italian pizza bianca. I could now proceed like a warm Italian greyhound.

And so I began.

"A rubbish man comes to a house to collect the bin. He notices that the bin is not out the front so he asks the resident, who is a man.

'Where's ya bin?"

"Oh" says the man " I've been up North".

"No" says the rubbish man "where's ya wheelie bin?"

"Oh" says the reluctant resident "I've wheelie bin in prison."

Hhahahahahah. Best joke ever. But they didn't laugh. I even did a good voice for the man who had been in prison (probably for pool chemical theft or an upskirt website). So I told the joke again but this time finished it with "I'VE WHEELIE BIN IN PRISON".
As Ricky Gervais says 'If they don't understand, talk louder'.

Eventually they got it. I mean they understood the joke. They didn't laugh though. I did get a "that's a funny situation". Obviously British people, although totally great, don't have a sense of humor.

Ethnography. Right here.

Observations in the central north of central Perth. Key of P sharp. All rights reserved.

The other day I saw a well fed man with a pure white well-brushed ponytail. His head was round and kind of looked like a rolled roast that has been soaked for several hours in cheap wine. His pudgy fingers were strangled by a couple of rings. A couple of times I saw him remove the hair tie from his mane, shake the pony tail out and then retie tighter. I'm not sure if he felt that by cranking up a few levels of tightness he'd get some sort of facelift effect. He really paid that ponytail a lot of attention. He was stroking it and tossing it side to side. He was really proud of it.

His girlfriend didn't seem to have the same affection for it. She didn't seem to have any interest in him either. She was quiet and seemed to look off into the distance perhaps embarrassed by "Tony's" constant tail tugging. It was almost as if he was a 15 year old boy at home alone with a K-Mart underwear catalogue. He felt no shame and continued to pleasure himself quite eagerly.

Remember in the early 90's a ponytail was seen to be the marker of a successful yuppie? Like a SAAB convertible and a ponytail were the pinnacle of wankerness. The ponytail has somehow shifted its position in the world and is now really only the property of fuzzy teenage metalheads and a few perverse individuals. It's completely understandable. This guy looked like the kind of man who would happily drink the juice from a jar of pickled onions and proudly tell potential girlfriends it was his famous French soup. The kind of man that softens butter in the hairy folds of his favourite undies. The kind of man that borrows a toothbrush and calls dogs "sexy". The kind of man that would lick the soles of his shoes clean and sell them as "new with tags" on ebay and then tell his brother that business is booming. The kind of man that would shake John Howard's hand.

Ponytails. Actually, maybe just this specific ponytail. I'm not sure.

Ethnography. Crow Magnum Man

For the last two weeks there's been painters at my house. They've started work a couple of times and left because of bad weather or to start another job. Only two rooms are getting painted. Today I came home to find them out the back painting away listening to the shittest FM radio ever cranked impossibly loud. The painter tried to talk to me about cricket over the strains of Nickleback singing about date rape and living like there's no tomorrow (which I guess they use for an excuse for the former).

I know nothing about cricket so I said "oh/yeah/ha" at regular intervals each time the painter said "They said Australia dominated/ top batting order/should have played more fasts on that pitch". He's from England and plans on giving every person that talks about cricket a hard time. I heard him fart quite loudly. I think this is his way of letting the neighbourhood know that his boys won the most boring sport in the world. A few chords on the colon trumpet is the best way to celebrate victory. He said if England won the world cup he would 'shit his pants'. I assume this is a one upping of the celebratory fart. English people have some weird customs.

He's gone now and I can't really tell if the house is finished or not. I think if I ring him up he'll say "Of course it is mate. Wot was you finking it wasn't then? Well it is. Don't make me come over there and give you a kicking wiv me trainers". He has a shaved head and is English. That makes him a soccer hooligan. It's the rules.

Ethnography and teh search for Good Clean Fun

You know that fuckface in your class in year 8 that recounted lines from 'Friends' like it was the funniest shit ever in some faux homogenous american accent? "Ross is so funny!! Chandler, ohmygawd Chandler! He's the funniest!!!HAHAHAH Friends is the best show ever. I'm 12% retarded. Chicken is a food group. I'm going to smoke a pen".

That kid grows up and gets worse. They get a job, unfortunately breed, and work for a decade or so. Hit 35 and decide that they need a little more zing in their lives. They think back to when they were the happiest, as a 13 year old making curly haired kids wheeze cheezles at their verbatim regurgitation of pulpy sitcom paff. They were funny. They were fucking funny! 'That's what I am! A comedian! It all makes sense now. I'm quitting my job, well maybe not yet, but soon and I'm going to become a comedian and give the greatest gift of all! '

And Mark from year 8, now a 35 year old female, pulls on the docs and unicorn T-shirt and embarks on a career of professional funny. I've done some research.

Example one: Kim the Kidder



Kim could have gone to school with you. She's a bag of laughs. A real dry, witty American comedian.
Here's a little about her from her myspace (warning: extreme side splitting may occur LOL!!!!!!!1111!!!!)

"ABOUT ME:

IM BASICALLY LIVING A LIFE OF QUIET DESPERATION.I HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS TO ONE OF YOUR QUESTIONS,I WAS TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL AND THEY NEVER CALLED BACK,IM LOST IN THE SAUCE,IVE HEARD IT THRU THE GRAPEVINE,CUZ THE PHONE WASNT WORKING.YOU CAN LEAD A HORSE TO WATER BUT YOU CANT MAKE HIM FISH.THE GRASS IS GREENER,BEFORE YOU SMOKE IT.... "

Kim is totally kooky.

"I DIDN'T SLEEP A WINK LAST NITE
CUZ I ACCIDENTLY TOOK A VIAGARA AND I WAS UP ALL NITE"

HAHAHAHAHAH! Kim! My mind is melting. That was funny because Viagra gives people erections!!! Ha!

"I FOUND OUT I MUST ALSO BE A MAGICIAN,,,

CUZ AS SOON AS I TAKE OFF MY CLOTHES,,,PEOPLE DISSAPEAR,,,,I GUESS THATS WHY MY STRIPPER NAME IS THE BITTER DISSAPOINTMENT..."

WHAT!!???!!! HAHAHAHHAHAH KIM! No emoticons can describe the level of laughter I am producing! 'Bitter Dissapointment'! Oh no you didn't!! HAHAHA. LAL

"CALLED DRS. TODAY TO FIND OUT HIS NEW LOCATION,,
RECEPTIONIST ASKED ME IF I WANTED TO KNOW WHERE HE PRACTICED,,,I SAID 'HELL NO, I WANNA KNOW WHERE HE GETS IT RIGHT,,,'"

This one is political. I appreciate a comedian who can make comment on pressing issues. It's smarter comedy ' a smile in the mind' if you will. Americans have an inequitable public health system. Actually, maybe this is a racist joke about immigrant doctors. Kim, maybe clarify when you use this joke in performance. Other than that, massive joke.

Things learned: CAPSLOCK MAKES JOKES FUNNIER. ALWAYS USE IT.


Example 2: Maureen Sullivan


Maureen is more of your 'smart man serious pants' comedian in comparison to the no holds barred stylings of Kim the Kidder. But don't think for one minute that Maureen doesn't have what it takes to party with the big girls. Maureen throws down.

"Clean stand up comedy-observational and healthcare related humor. Truth be known, Im Irish, Catholic, divorced and remarried, overweight, out of shape, and a nurse.....whats NOT to talk about! "

Ha! This really appeals to me. She's not afraid to have a little laugh at herself and she keeps it clean. I bet she makes a mean cheesecake as well. (Notice use of upper case 'NOT'. That's obviously the joke catalyst). Clean jokes are just a little bit cleverer. I mean we can all say 'fanny' and get a cheap laugh but I like my comedy with some brain.

Note to Kim: This is how it's done.
Aw, Crap!


See how she works the room. The audience is hanging on every word. And the punchline! My god! Obviously in this case crap isn't a swear word. This is probably in a bar where things are a little bit more adult. Obviously Maur Maur wouldn't be 'crapping' in politer company. But this is a bar. You can do a lot of things in bars and I'm pretty sure with Jokes like that Maureen wouldn't have picked up a young buck and got super adult. Then she would have made a joke about it , some maths based joke fooling around with the amount of times 18 can go into 55. 'Let me tell you ladies, a lot more times than you'd think. Don't forget to carry the one!!' I'm not sure what she means by 'carry the one' but it's sex innuendo and you don't have to understand. it's funny because it's about SEX!.

Actually, I think she's a sex pest.
The rest of you are perverts!


She does seem to bully kids though. Maybe I like 'The Kidder' better.
My biggest fan!


'Who's your favourite comedian Rory? It's ME isn't it. Say yes or I'll burn your eyelids with a cigarette!'


Kids you went to school with. What's up with them?

Super Emo Holiday Part Colt 22.

Shopping centres can be the worst place on earth. At this time of year they're usually full of kids in new era caps and thongs trying to dry hump. I'm beginning to hate kids. Teenagers especially. Actually, kids in groups. Kids as individuals are actually people. Catch the train and you'll have to listen to some little dietary deficient bastard tell their b.f.f. how they saw a guy a the juice shop and he was asking how Alison was and i was like she's ok and he was like how was you're holiday and i was like i've just been getting smashed and like going to parties and he was like do you know where there are any parties and i told him that we were having one so now we've got to have one at like your place because Steven is a total dick and wouldn't let me go out on thursday night and i was like you're not my dad you can't tell me what to do and mum was getting pissed off at me so i just like spent the whole night on msn and ignored them and they were like... ENDS


I kicked the footy in the park yesterday. I realised that i was wearing shorts but no undies. I don't do this often. Only when I have job interviews. It helps me relax. I also like to drink some water from my dog's bowl to get some wolf bravery and punch a wall until my knuckles look like Colin Barnett's gums. I walk into that interview and tell those potential enemies that I've just damaged the letterbox of their enemy. It shows that I'm already loyal and that i'm prepared to take direct action like a fat 40 year old pensioner takes direct action at Miss Mauds. 'Escuze me! Escuze me! You seem to have run out of black forrest. I really love that and I came here all the way from Morley especially for a piece. I paid for all you can ate and this isn't all I can ate. You're going to make some more? There will be some more? Ok, ok, it's just that i love it. It's a special day for me. Going to have a haircut and buy a gold necklace. I will wait for the cakes. Lucky they're coming, lucky is right, I know a councilor in Morley and he would like to know about this situation if there wasn't any of the cakes but it's all ok because they're coming. Five minutes? Five minutes?'.

Direct mofk'n action. If it's a government department there isn't really a direct competitor so I usually tell them I kicked a robber in the nuts and that he bit my hand. And i demonstrate by swing a kick into the air and then biting my hand where the wound is "Arghhhhhh!" Then I tell them I took him to Mcdonalds and bought him lunch (after I subdued him with a headlock - cue grabbing an interviewer in a headlock and showing them how you can incapacitate an attacker by hooking a finger in each nostril) and that how all robbers just need a hand "You should have seen the little bugger eat! Two quarter pounders and a sundae - I think he still robbed me! Hahahahhahaha!!"

Jobs that's how you get them.

"You there Colin? I've come round to drop off some fish. We had fish and chips for dinner last night - Ron's night off. Anyway, there's some left. A nice piece of flake and some squid rings. Be a nice dinner for you. I put some of the coleslaw in as well- just enough for one I think. And half a pickled egg. They're not really my thing. Oh and I bought your mail in. Looks like there's a sale on for trackys at Big Dub. If you give me some money i'll go pick you up a pair. The old one's are looking a bit raggedy and it would be nice to get you into a nice new pair for when you have to visit the doctor or go down to the club. I'm going to get Ron a pair as well so I might as well get a couple. How are you for your meds? I can't remember if they came last week though I suppose you have a fair bit in the back room. Actually, now that I'm here, do you think I could borrow some pain pills? My legs are giving me curry. From top to bottom I ache these days. Ron says it's cause I do so much but you got to keep active don't you?Mr.Howard's still out there walking every morning. Colin? You in Colin?"

Observations:
A Continental roll conatins four different meat stuffs. At least four. Why is it called a continental roll? Only the Lord and saviour knows. Wow. What a great post. fuck.


Ok, I now go to class with teenagers. I think they might think I'm one of them. I'm akin to a sociologist on in situ ethnographic observation. I have emersed myself in a new world. Things are 'gay', dudes who drive commodores are 'mad c***ts', and it's cool to play soccer with rolled up paper. "WE'RE NOT IN SCHOOL ANYMORE!!!!! I'M GOING TO HAVE A CIGARETTE EVEN THOUGH I DON'T SMOKE!!!!"

Anyway, I don't want to let them know I started uni before they started high school. Little bitches might turn on me.
"What the hell does this project brief say? We're only TAFE students!"

The dark angel of route 160

Every day this goth catches my bus. He works in the city and plays PSP all the way. Well usually after his girlfriend gets off about halfway through the trip. She is a goth too but more of your nerd 'I love cats', ironic bob hair style, skivvy, sensible shoes etc. Actually I wouldn't really call her a goth, she only gets that title through association. I'd call her more "Lean Cuisine; I like Placebo". And the dude, he's not really a goth either now that I think of it. He's more of nerd. And all nerds are into black clothes right? Heaven knows why- it doesn't hide dandruff or semen very well. Two things that I'm sure have covered a black trench coat or ten to the sound of Quake and Rammstein.

Anyway, the guy wears these super 'funny' (funny if you're retarded and enjoy teh net catz) such as "I pwn n00bs" and "What she said"(I'm not actually sure what this is a reference to- a Ben Stiller movie? anyone?). These are excellent statements as they tell other commuters "I spend copious amounts of time online eating instant pasta" and we can easily write a synopsis in our head- don't sit next to the pale one.

I'm Back, Rabies

I've just got back from Melbourne. For work. Here is a story.
We were sitting at a conference dinner and the night's 'entertainment' was announced. "SWe have a special treat for you tonight, Susan (Elaine/Judy/Jill/Offal) will be running a musical session. It's a little different to what you might be expecting- I'll give you a clue; she won't be singing."

"She's going to strip!" yelled my boss.

No one laughed.

"The last time I was in StKilda I was in this bar and there was this woman that I was drinking with and she got up on the bar and took off all her clothes and then she wanted me to pay her and I said I didn't tell her to do it," My Boss, Melbourne 2006
(The entertainment was a musical quiz featuring music that appealed to the crowd. They'd heard the tunes as they sat in car parks, on televsion ads or on the shitty 'hits for the lowest com denom' FM radio played at their doctor while they waited to to ask questions about constipation.)

Alot of people have asked me how to make pate'. see above recipe. I also included Jelly as a freebee.(picture wouldn't upload- imaging a pig in a blender and a goose in similar blender. ha ha excellent huh?)
Things that i have noticed lately : Most people are a waste of time (tm)
The Worldcup is good because Yugoslavian dudes finally get some respect.
A kitchen hand on the bus tried to convince a 15 year old bricky's labourer that he was paying off a $3 million apartment. "yeah 2 million to go mate". then he asked how much the kid got payed and asked if he could hook him up with a job because he needed a steady income to pay off his pad which has a ten grand sound system that he made himself.
He also burns porno movies on cd's then stamps them with a Playstation stamp so his girlfriend doesn't know. He is really really good at playstation. Got all the cars in Grand Turismo.





jerk

Ethnography

Do you ever wonder if the women behind the cosmetic counters at Myer cry into their Lean Cuisine at night? That section is harsh- the lights are turned up so high that you start feeling dehydrated after 30 seconds. Light bounces off all the surfaces and everything doubles as a mirror. The employees have bee-hive hair, turtlenecks and are called Jan. Jan’s wear too much makeup and perfume. Jan’s get married to barrel chested Barry’s who eat too much meat and womanise. If Jan didn’t work at Myer she would be nicer. Her desperate turkey wrinkles and white pumps would fade. Ethnography.

Karren spends too much time with her mother-in-law. They shop together every weekend. Karren collects watches “if they are on special I gotta get them. My boyfriend says ‘don’t you bring back another stuffin watch”. Karren laughs at dick jokes. She probably needs to eat more raw vegies and get some roughage. I’m not sure why she shaves off her eyebrows and draws them back on with caramel coloured pencils. They’re either on or off lady. Ethnography.

Ken is a social climber. “It’s funny you should mention Robert” even if the mention was brief “He and I both love fishin’. We’re getting to know each other real well.” Ken bluffs his way, feels he has nack for that kinda thing. His nose looks like it has been chewed by a rat. He talks too much about himself. He talks too much about himself. Ethnography.