You know that fuckface in your class in year 8 that recounted lines from 'Friends' like it was the funniest shit ever in some faux homogenous american accent? "Ross is so funny!! Chandler, ohmygawd Chandler! He's the funniest!!!HAHAHAH Friends is the best show ever. I'm 12% retarded. Chicken is a food group. I'm going to smoke a pen".
That kid grows up and gets worse. They get a job, unfortunately breed, and work for a decade or so. Hit 35 and decide that they need a little more zing in their lives. They think back to when they were the happiest, as a 13 year old making curly haired kids wheeze cheezles at their verbatim regurgitation of pulpy sitcom paff. They were funny. They were fucking funny! 'That's what I am! A comedian! It all makes sense now. I'm quitting my job, well maybe not yet, but soon and I'm going to become a comedian and give the greatest gift of all! '
And Mark from year 8, now a 35 year old female, pulls on the docs and unicorn T-shirt and embarks on a career of professional funny. I've done some research.
Example one: Kim the Kidder
Kim could have gone to school with you. She's a bag of laughs. A real dry, witty American comedian.
Here's a little about her from her myspace (warning: extreme side splitting may occur LOL!!!!!!!1111!!!!)
IM BASICALLY LIVING A LIFE OF QUIET DESPERATION.I HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS TO ONE OF YOUR QUESTIONS,I WAS TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL AND THEY NEVER CALLED BACK,IM LOST IN THE SAUCE,IVE HEARD IT THRU THE GRAPEVINE,CUZ THE PHONE WASNT WORKING.YOU CAN LEAD A HORSE TO WATER BUT YOU CANT MAKE HIM FISH.THE GRASS IS GREENER,BEFORE YOU SMOKE IT.... "
Kim is totally kooky.
"I DIDN'T SLEEP A WINK LAST NITE
CUZ I ACCIDENTLY TOOK A VIAGARA AND I WAS UP ALL NITE"
HAHAHAHAHAH! Kim! My mind is melting. That was funny because Viagra gives people erections!!! Ha!
"I FOUND OUT I MUST ALSO BE A MAGICIAN,,,
CUZ AS SOON AS I TAKE OFF MY CLOTHES,,,PEOPLE DISSAPEAR,,,,I GUESS THATS WHY MY STRIPPER NAME IS THE BITTER DISSAPOINTMENT..."
WHAT!!???!!! HAHAHAHHAHAH KIM! No emoticons can describe the level of laughter I am producing! 'Bitter Dissapointment'! Oh no you didn't!! HAHAHA. LAL
"CALLED DRS. TODAY TO FIND OUT HIS NEW LOCATION,,
RECEPTIONIST ASKED ME IF I WANTED TO KNOW WHERE HE PRACTICED,,,I SAID 'HELL NO, I WANNA KNOW WHERE HE GETS IT RIGHT,,,'"
This one is political. I appreciate a comedian who can make comment on pressing issues. It's smarter comedy ' a smile in the mind' if you will. Americans have an inequitable public health system. Actually, maybe this is a racist joke about immigrant doctors. Kim, maybe clarify when you use this joke in performance. Other than that, massive joke.
Things learned: CAPSLOCK MAKES JOKES FUNNIER. ALWAYS USE IT.
Example 2: Maureen Sullivan
Maureen is more of your 'smart man serious pants' comedian in comparison to the no holds barred stylings of Kim the Kidder. But don't think for one minute that Maureen doesn't have what it takes to party with the big girls. Maureen throws down.
"Clean stand up comedy-observational and healthcare related humor. Truth be known, Im Irish, Catholic, divorced and remarried, overweight, out of shape, and a nurse.....whats NOT to talk about! "
Ha! This really appeals to me. She's not afraid to have a little laugh at herself and she keeps it clean. I bet she makes a mean cheesecake as well. (Notice use of upper case 'NOT'. That's obviously the joke catalyst). Clean jokes are just a little bit cleverer. I mean we can all say 'fanny' and get a cheap laugh but I like my comedy with some brain.
Note to Kim: This is how it's done.
See how she works the room. The audience is hanging on every word. And the punchline! My god! Obviously in this case crap isn't a swear word. This is probably in a bar where things are a little bit more adult. Obviously Maur Maur wouldn't be 'crapping' in politer company. But this is a bar. You can do a lot of things in bars and I'm pretty sure with Jokes like that Maureen wouldn't have picked up a young buck and got super adult. Then she would have made a joke about it , some maths based joke fooling around with the amount of times 18 can go into 55. 'Let me tell you ladies, a lot more times than you'd think. Don't forget to carry the one!!' I'm not sure what she means by 'carry the one' but it's sex innuendo and you don't have to understand. it's funny because it's about SEX!.
Actually, I think she's a sex pest.
The rest of you are perverts!
She does seem to bully kids though. Maybe I like 'The Kidder' better.
My biggest fan!
'Who's your favourite comedian Rory? It's ME isn't it. Say yes or I'll burn your eyelids with a cigarette!'
Kids you went to school with. What's up with them?