Pro Teen Drug Lord

This kid told me there's a codeword that they use over the PA at supermarkets to let the staff know that someone's stealing things. They say something like "Robbert Mc Robbert to aisle 3,Robbert Mc Robbert to aisle 3" and the manager can somehow workout that Robberty Mc Robbert is getting their robbery on deep within the lube shelves.

The kid said he just saw someone get busted trying to steal meat. He worked at a supermarket and said that 'druggies always get caught stealing meat'. I found this interesting. It's a strange thing to steal. I thought they'd be more interested in Blue Powerade or maybe NoDoz or NappiSan. But according to my research, kid that workes at Woolworth's, long term drug users crave free meat.

"All I need to do is stuff this pack of mince down the front of me trackies and I'm free. Just play it cool, slip it in and stroll out like I'm one of them secret shoppers. I'll be across the road in the park stuffing me face with lovely beef before anyone fricken notices. Just get that mince, get that mince and I'm in fucking meat 'eaven! I'll be piling sexy fistfuls of that wet pink in me gob haha! Might as well get some of them snags while I'm here. Probably wise, probably wise. Yep, gonna take the snags, shove 'em in there with the mince. Might as well, might as well. I'l be fucking hanging out for a snag in a few hours. A nice suasage, a nice little sausage. I'm takin' em! And some kidneys or somefink. Yeah somefink real wrong like that! I'm gonna eat kidneys in the park! Just gonna suck em and chomp em like I'm some kinda munch machine! The kidney's are going in as well! I've got half a cow down the front of me dacks!! MEAT MEAT MEAT!!!"

The Things a Man Learns in 25 Years of Life. JAZZ MASTER 7

I spent the first 4 hours of today vomiting sporadically. Drink water. Sit on couch for 15 minutes. Run to toilet. Sppeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwww!! I learnt that I'm quite vocal. On that last wretch when all you are is battery acid and burnt tyres I go "ahhhhhhhhhhhhh" and then probably 'aww jezusssss". I went outside to pat the dog and yacked while wearing sunglasses. I'm pretty sure Bill Clinton did that once. Then he played the sax and boned his secretary. Allegedly.

When you're on your knees in the bathroom or lying on the floorboards looking at the ceiling you wonder what a man learns in 25 years of life.

Not a lot.
Not a lot.

Also, that Vegan Death Cult letter is for real. I didn't forge that shit. I know who did though. And you're going to taste dance floor justice. 100 Demons style.


(Whatever that means)

Also, MAY NOT, actually know who sent that letter but I do know it has to be someone which probably could be you if I thought about it, which, my friends, I have.

Too many commas? They're cheap. I like to sprinkle, them, liberally,. Like, Colin, Barnett, sprinkles Rohypnol, on, his own, breakfast, of goat yoghurt, and , sea, gull, eggs.

Vegan Death Cult Retribution : Cult Strikes Back

Friends,
The Vegan Death Cult is on to me. They've found out about my spotlight of justice. I can smell their soy based mock meat breath around each corner.

I arrived home the other day to find this (click the picture to enlarge and read)




Apparently I've made a donation to their evil cause. They also sent me a DVD to enjoy with my friends and family. Even if I smoked angel dust and drank a backyard hose length of Captain Morgan's Carribean Vomit Rum, I'd never find myself willingly parting with my scarce funds to support Grand Master Ching Hai's bid to enslave mankind in some sort of snuggy wearing chickpea flatulence feudal utopia.

I've been set up, ratted out, turned upon. The Vegan Death Cult obviously has many eyes, more eyes than a spider (which as many twelve year olds will tell you - has more than seven eyes). Some brainwashed Ching Hai sex slave has impersonated me and donated on my behalf. This is character assassination, defamation, pickle-fixing, libel and slander salamander.

So now VDC knows where I rest my head at night. They're probably driving by my house in a white tarago as a type this. I can see it now, four cult members dressed in tracksuit pants and sandals, and matching Supreme Master TV T-shirts. Each shirt marked with a different shade of glutenous muck.

Oh they want to shut me up, they want to scare me into silence, but not this time, oh not this time. I'm going to turn the spotlight up to extrabright (flick the switch from the one dot setting to the two dot setting!). VDC; you're days are numbered.

Also, I'm probably not going to watch you're DVD, well I probably will but It's not going to work. My torch has many batteries and my pen publishes the truth.

ALSO, ALSO, who signs a letter off with a photo of themselves talking on a mobile phone?

Vegan Cult Comes

Freckly faced friends, slender fingered girls and other loveable characters,

It has came to my intention that the vegan cult is growing in number. In fact I feel them closing in like the sweet suck of a puppies gums before they get all bite bite bite- no toes. I walked out of TAFE today and saw this :

Oh yes, you're right; that is Superior Master Ching Hai looking down on you from atop a building which probably houses cult members dressed in peach coloured tracksuits (or those mail order Snuggies) repeatedly brushing their curly hair and preparing for the end of the world.

Here's a closer look


That's Superior Master Ching Hai. Notice how Australia is going underwater. WA seems to be the safest place. No daylight savings but no flooding. It's a toss up. I think her plan is to enslave us all and get us to work in her salt mine. 'Salt! Salt! I love salt!' she will yell and rub big handfuls from between her breasts over her rich Superior Master belly. I'm onto this shit. Journalism degree is coming into handy. I'm blowing the roof right off this story. It starts here. Just like I uncovered the stolen trolly racket:Here and Here and also here I'm a modern day Hunter S. Thompson. I'm sipping cough medicine and getting hot scoops. I'm wearing a bath robe and oiling my hair.

Also; this is the church across the road from TAFE.

Real people? More like real douchebag stock photos.

Journalism. I'm doing it.

Poorly.

A Strange Experience in Little Kardinya

Vegan.

Vaygun.

Vegan Cult? Yes, actually there is one and I, my little freckly faced friend, am about to blow the roof right off it. (That's a metaphor ASIO- just in case they're monitoring my blog. Can't be too careful). I attended a Vegan restaurant in the carpark of a large shopping centre that I will allege is a cult.

'A cult?' you say.

'That's what I said' I say.

And here is mine reasoning. I did a lot of research about cults last year. I watched at least half a day's worth of youtube videos about cults, cult leaders and puppies escaping from cages. I freaked myself out. Look up 'Heaven's Gate initiation tape' and you too will be scarred. Actually don't. It's legit the scariest shit I have seen. Actually do look it up. I'd feel better if someone shared my fear. I feel that this makes me an expert; or a le' expertit as our French cousins would say, on all things cult.

The atmosphere in the restaurant was quite odd. Fluoro lights and lino and a line of staff all wearing the same t-shirt and tracksuit pants.

'Did they have Nikes on ?' you ask.

'I did not notice, but you seem to know a little about cults' I say 'I have noticed that'.

They watched us. We sat at the table and one of them said something about vegan food and protecting the earth blah blah. I started to feel uncomfortable. She said 'Pay what you like and then help yourself to the food' which was in a bais marie (how the hell do you spell that. Oh the French, no wonder the Limey's hate you). When we walked down to serve a portion a woman who had obviously been watching us popped out of nowhere and said 'The food is not ready yet. Please sit down.'

'Poison!!??!!' you interject.

'Fake fish' I say.

Anyway the food tray gets loaded with soy protein cooked in various fake meat ways. Please don't be eager and sexist and assume that I have no time for vegan cuisine. I do. Lord knows I eat anything. A few more wait staff pop up and look at us. I start to sweat on my inner thigh.

We approach the table and I say quite calmly 'GUYS THIS IS A CULT! A CULT!' but my companions are too busy eating sweet and sour not-pork. I look up and there is a projector playing 'Supreme Master TV'. No shit! Supreme Master. Look that up. The station keeps repeating the same message 'Go Veg save the planet'. Over and over again this is repeated. Every two minutes. And then a death clock appears. A voice says '1337 days'. They actually play this at a restaurant! Apparently there are 1337 days before the world starts dying.

I am freaking out inside this restaurant. I feel sorry for my friend. He has a full head of red hair and would surely be a prize piece upon the lap of the cult leader. He pays no heed to my warnings though. He didn't believe me the time I told him about the nesting seagulls and how they would probably kill anyone on the beach if they got to close to the dunes. Oh no he wouldn't believe me and it looked like he wasn't about to start waking up and see the world for what it really was. A world where gulls kill and vegan cults pet red head boys!

Anyway, hysterics aside, the place was a legitimate cult. It's run by Supreme Master Ching Hai followers. Look that up. She doesn't seem super evil but she sure does seem to be making a ton of cash for an environmental warrior. Actually, she got busted in California for clearing mangroves to make an illegal boardwalk and fake island.

So there you have it my freckly faced friend.