I got these jeans and they say not to wash them ever. Well they say not to wash them until you've worn them for six months. And then to do it you should take a bath wearing them; jump in a stream; get licked by a cat repeatedly until jeans look worn. They say this helps get a lovely wear and fade. They'll become 'a map of your life'.
Well, fuck that.
I'm never washing them. Ever. And I plan on wearing them all summer. And to the gym. And to bed. And also while I dry hump complete strangers in the dirt behind Woolworths. I'm going to make the dirtiest map man has ever seen. Pick these up off my floor (or my corpse. Either the crutch blows out or I die. That's the only way I'll take them off) and you'll find a cartographic snuff film. A path that twists and turns and never seems to get anywhere. A journey of hope, regret, mediocrity, and Kewpie mayonnaise love buzz. A Dickensian piece all jizzed out on premium, weathered, Japanese denim.
What the denim over-lords don't tell you is that this process, the No-wash-never-ever procedure, can be used to great on a million other garments to great effect, and often superior effect.
1. Basketball Shorts.
Swoosh, swoosh, swoosh. A breezy pair of b-ball shorts allow you to swish from couch, to bus, to fried-food shop, to online gaming establishment with no lights except from the screen. Sit down, drink Coke, shoot things, yell at friends, feel rush in penis, yell some more, balls feel free and independent in basketball shorts. The beautiful sheen of a quality pair of shorts is only enhanced by doing this every day for at least a year, or however long your Tafe certificate goes for.
Get oil on fingers from gaming energy food, rub it laterally on the weft of shorts. Shinier than a sled dog that eats a lot (Hughie's Cooking Adventure levels) of salmon.
Not actually sure if weft is the right word, it doesn't have a red squiggle below so we can say 'it is a word' but is it the right one? I don't know, do I look like Harry Potter or something? Get knobbed you cop!
2. Wu Wear
Got to check out the W! Got to check out ----the--W!
Never wash this either. Ol' Dirty Bastard got his name because he ate Dirt Deserts and got them on his jerseys and Wallaby Clarks and he was cool. He was also famous and had sex with a lot of women.
Don't wash this or Big Doe gets a nosebleed.
3. Women's underwear.
Go to gym. Sneak into changeroom. Put on some mining clothes like a bright yellow shirt and say "I am an electrician!". Look through bags. Find underwear. Lift head and try not to explode with victory. Run as fast as possible through gym and netball courts. Get to car, do skid and drive off really fast.
Don't wash these. There's a guy at the petshop down the road who will give you dog drugs (actual dog cocaine and Viagra) for a few pairs. CAAAAAAH - CHING!!!!!