One time in primary school my class went to a shoe factory. It was in a county town where they used to kill whales.The factory made ugg boots. While we were there my nose started bleeding. I didn't have any tissues so I started to sniff to try and retrieve the flow. Plan backfired. They used so much solvent glue in the factory that my nervous and continued huffing made me feel all tall and stretched. I got so high that I had to go outside before I fainted.
Later on at another location, while at the urinal, a class mate asked me if I wanted to 'sword fight'.
You know that fuckface in your class in year 8 that recounted lines from 'Friends' like it was the funniest shit ever in some faux homogenous american accent? "Ross is so funny!! Chandler, ohmygawd Chandler! He's the funniest!!!HAHAHAH Friends is the best show ever. I'm 12% retarded. Chicken is a food group. I'm going to smoke a pen".
That kid grows up and gets worse. They get a job, unfortunately breed, and work for a decade or so. Hit 35 and decide that they need a little more zing in their lives. They think back to when they were the happiest, as a 13 year old making curly haired kids wheeze cheezles at their verbatim regurgitation of pulpy sitcom paff. They were funny. They were fucking funny! 'That's what I am! A comedian! It all makes sense now. I'm quitting my job, well maybe not yet, but soon and I'm going to become a comedian and give the greatest gift of all! '
And Mark from year 8, now a 35 year old female, pulls on the docs and unicorn T-shirt and embarks on a career of professional funny. I've done some research.
Example one: Kim the Kidder
Kim could have gone to school with you. She's a bag of laughs. A real dry, witty American comedian. Here's a little about her from her myspace (warning: extreme side splitting may occur LOL!!!!!!!1111!!!!)
"ABOUT ME:
IM BASICALLY LIVING A LIFE OF QUIET DESPERATION.I HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS TO ONE OF YOUR QUESTIONS,I WAS TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL AND THEY NEVER CALLED BACK,IM LOST IN THE SAUCE,IVE HEARD IT THRU THE GRAPEVINE,CUZ THE PHONE WASNT WORKING.YOU CAN LEAD A HORSE TO WATER BUT YOU CANT MAKE HIM FISH.THE GRASS IS GREENER,BEFORE YOU SMOKE IT.... "
Kim is totally kooky.
"I DIDN'T SLEEP A WINK LAST NITE CUZ I ACCIDENTLY TOOK A VIAGARA AND I WAS UP ALL NITE"
HAHAHAHAHAH! Kim! My mind is melting. That was funny because Viagra gives people erections!!! Ha!
"I FOUND OUT I MUST ALSO BE A MAGICIAN,,,
CUZ AS SOON AS I TAKE OFF MY CLOTHES,,,PEOPLE DISSAPEAR,,,,I GUESS THATS WHY MY STRIPPER NAME IS THE BITTER DISSAPOINTMENT..."
WHAT!!???!!! HAHAHAHHAHAH KIM! No emoticons can describe the level of laughter I am producing! 'Bitter Dissapointment'! Oh no you didn't!! HAHAHA. LAL
"CALLED DRS. TODAY TO FIND OUT HIS NEW LOCATION,, RECEPTIONIST ASKED ME IF I WANTED TO KNOW WHERE HE PRACTICED,,,I SAID 'HELL NO, I WANNA KNOW WHERE HE GETS IT RIGHT,,,'"
This one is political. I appreciate a comedian who can make comment on pressing issues. It's smarter comedy ' a smile in the mind' if you will. Americans have an inequitable public health system. Actually, maybe this is a racist joke about immigrant doctors. Kim, maybe clarify when you use this joke in performance. Other than that, massive joke.
Things learned: CAPSLOCK MAKES JOKES FUNNIER. ALWAYS USE IT.
Example 2: Maureen Sullivan
Maureen is more of your 'smart man serious pants' comedian in comparison to the no holds barred stylings of Kim the Kidder. But don't think for one minute that Maureen doesn't have what it takes to party with the big girls. Maureen throws down.
"Clean stand up comedy-observational and healthcare related humor. Truth be known, Im Irish, Catholic, divorced and remarried, overweight, out of shape, and a nurse.....whats NOT to talk about! "
Ha! This really appeals to me. She's not afraid to have a little laugh at herself and she keeps it clean. I bet she makes a mean cheesecake as well. (Notice use of upper case 'NOT'. That's obviously the joke catalyst). Clean jokes are just a little bit cleverer. I mean we can all say 'fanny' and get a cheap laugh but I like my comedy with some brain.
See how she works the room. The audience is hanging on every word. And the punchline! My god! Obviously in this case crap isn't a swear word. This is probably in a bar where things are a little bit more adult. Obviously Maur Maur wouldn't be 'crapping' in politer company. But this is a bar. You can do a lot of things in bars and I'm pretty sure with Jokes like that Maureen wouldn't have picked up a young buck and got super adult. Then she would have made a joke about it , some maths based joke fooling around with the amount of times 18 can go into 55. 'Let me tell you ladies, a lot more times than you'd think. Don't forget to carry the one!!' I'm not sure what she means by 'carry the one' but it's sex innuendo and you don't have to understand. it's funny because it's about SEX!.
I swam so hard at the pool today that when I got out my legs felt like jelly, all wobbly like fat woman's unsupported breasts in a comfy T-shirt she wears every office Christmas party. That, broseph, is eh zackery how I felt. All free and clammy simultaneously. I then skulled some water and felt like I was going to chuck. Like Ben Cousins after he's shown football how it's meant to be played. Kickity kick kick kick marker mark mark.
Upson, who was the toughest kid in all of primary school, told me that he'd love to be a woman so he could 'ride a horse all day with a dildo on the saddle'. Looking back this was a rather odd thing to say. I did not question his comment. I merely laughed as he had said 'dildo' which was, as a year seven, close to the pinnacle of funniest things ever in the whole world.
One time, a decade and a half ago, I pressed pause on the video player so I could trace the face of a GI Joe off the screen with grease proof paper and a pencil. I held the paper up against the static and followed the curves with a blunt HB. When I removed the paper a linear ghost of the army man remained on the screen. He didn't go anywhere when the scenes progressed, he just remained there, stubbornly. He interrupted City's of Gold and annoyed DJ from Degrassi Junior High. He was always like 'lets smash these cobra heads!' and the Degrassi students were like ' I think I have AIDS/I'm pregnant/ I did a trip with rat poison and jumped off a bridge and now have brain damage and an aggression problem you BITCH!' But the old Private didn't listen. He just looked on with his American jaw line and army man beret. The TV was old and small and eventually he faded from the glass. I like to think he's up in heaven smashing Cobraheads and teaching Canadian middle schoolers about smashing Cobraheads. Maybe in heaven, they will listen. Just like that song about Vincent Van Gogh.
The top shelf of the fridge has a million bottles and jars of condiments that have only been half consumed. Interesting, I hear you say. Really interesting. I'm sure you have the same problem. Would this make a good comedy routine? Have I found that situation that everybody has experienced and then can I point it out so everybody will say 'Ha! It's so true, that;s what happened to me! I'm not alone, this comedian, this one right here, he is my man. He sees the truth and then says it and we all laff and no one gets hurt. Clean humour. None of that FUCKDAMMITHERBITCHIN this and that. This is clever comedy. Clever, clever, clever."
What about this one. 'Have you ever stolen a brick from the nextdoor neighbour's shed and gone home to the safety of your own back yard to cover it in vaseline and give it the mother of all tongue lickings only to find that in your eagerness you've forgotten to duct tape the eyes of your dog? ' . 'That's so embarrassing' they will laugh and will hover to old thoughts of when they were caught by their mother soaping eggs in the birdbath without the aid of a dog's milk moistened towelette.
I was walking the dog not far from where I live. In a ten meter stretch I saw a used tampon, a couple of broken bottles and a used condom. I wonder if they were connected? They could have been. Maybe someone had a binge drinking kinky date on the footpath? Daniel Upson told us in primary school that used condoms were called 'jam donuts'. In hindsight I think he probably meant 'cream donuts' - it seems more fitting. Adrian Brown called female genitalia 'pancakes'. I'm not sure if this term was widespread through out the wider Bunbury area or if it was more a term indigenous to my primary school. We also had the turn 'bum jabber' and 'cecil' for pansies. Total bad arse year 7 terminology. 'Can I borrow your sharpner?' 'I don't have one' 'Yes you do' 'No I don't you dicksnap'.
"Life can be so good and so shit at the same time". I said this yesterday and my brother said it was very deep and that I should put it on a T-shirt and rolled his eyes and sighed. I'm a profit of the gutter like Nas. He makes profit from the gutter. I dropped a dollar coin down the drain in primary school once. It was hot and the drain smelt like sick all sweet and dark and deep and dark. I was disappointed as I wanted to buy a sausage roll or a little carton of choc milk. Some cool kids with tanned legs used to throw small change purposely into the drain like it wasn't no thang yo'hear. Money to burn in primary school. Two ice-creams rich. Count Choculas and Jokers and a bag of bullets.
"She's going to be a cock professor studying my dick, she's gonna get a masters degree in fucking me!" is perhaps the greatest line ever written, thank you Ween. I would have found it funny when I was ten, that's how great it is.
Pure Guava by Ween was the first CD I ever bought. I think I was about nine or ten and my Gran had given me some money to buy an album. It was a toss up between Ween or Ugly Kid Joe's America's Least Wanted. While the cover art of the Ugly Kid Joe album was alluring I chose Pure Guava simply for the fact that I wanted to listen to Push th' Little Daisies four hundred times in a row. Kids at school said it was the dumbest worst suckiest song ever which instantly made it the greatest song of year 5. Anyway, the album blew my mind- it had lots of awesome swearing and the guitars got all fucked up and nasally. I used to play the solos through my nose "nuh nuh nuhnuh nuh nuh nuh"
The CD doesn't work anymore. It's all jerked up. I'm going to get some sand paper and try and level out the scratches.
http://sleepeat.blogspot.com/
I'm interested in crime. Thought crime. I think about gambling, illegal gambling!
I have an Arts degree. If I don't get a job in the next year, it's basically worth dirt. And not the kind of dirt you gold pan in, i'm talking the kinda dirt drunks have under their fingernails. Nine to five slave wage dirt.
