Vegan Cult? Yes, actually there is one and I, my little freckly faced friend, am about to blow the roof right off it. (That's a metaphor ASIO- just in case they're monitoring my blog. Can't be too careful). I attended a Vegan restaurant in the carpark of a large shopping centre that I will allege is a cult.
'A cult?' you say.
'That's what I said' I say.
And here is mine reasoning. I did a lot of research about cults last year. I watched at least half a day's worth of youtube videos about cults, cult leaders and puppies escaping from cages. I freaked myself out. Look up 'Heaven's Gate initiation tape' and you too will be scarred. Actually don't. It's legit the scariest shit I have seen. Actually do look it up. I'd feel better if someone shared my fear. I feel that this makes me an expert; or a le' expertit as our French cousins would say, on all things cult.
The atmosphere in the restaurant was quite odd. Fluoro lights and lino and a line of staff all wearing the same t-shirt and tracksuit pants.
'Did they have Nikes on ?' you ask.
'I did not notice, but you seem to know a little about cults' I say 'I have noticed that'.
They watched us. We sat at the table and one of them said something about vegan food and protecting the earth blah blah. I started to feel uncomfortable. She said 'Pay what you like and then help yourself to the food' which was in a bais marie (how the hell do you spell that. Oh the French, no wonder the Limey's hate you). When we walked down to serve a portion a woman who had obviously been watching us popped out of nowhere and said 'The food is not ready yet. Please sit down.'
'Poison!!??!!' you interject.
'Fake fish' I say.
Anyway the food tray gets loaded with soy protein cooked in various fake meat ways. Please don't be eager and sexist and assume that I have no time for vegan cuisine. I do. Lord knows I eat anything. A few more wait staff pop up and look at us. I start to sweat on my inner thigh.
We approach the table and I say quite calmly 'GUYS THIS IS A CULT! A CULT!' but my companions are too busy eating sweet and sour not-pork. I look up and there is a projector playing 'Supreme Master TV'. No shit! Supreme Master. Look that up. The station keeps repeating the same message 'Go Veg save the planet'. Over and over again this is repeated. Every two minutes. And then a death clock appears. A voice says '1337 days'. They actually play this at a restaurant! Apparently there are 1337 days before the world starts dying.
I am freaking out inside this restaurant. I feel sorry for my friend. He has a full head of red hair and would surely be a prize piece upon the lap of the cult leader. He pays no heed to my warnings though. He didn't believe me the time I told him about the nesting seagulls and how they would probably kill anyone on the beach if they got to close to the dunes. Oh no he wouldn't believe me and it looked like he wasn't about to start waking up and see the world for what it really was. A world where gulls kill and vegan cults pet red head boys!
Anyway, hysterics aside, the place was a legitimate cult. It's run by Supreme Master Ching Hai followers. Look that up. She doesn't seem super evil but she sure does seem to be making a ton of cash for an environmental warrior. Actually, she got busted in California for clearing mangroves to make an illegal boardwalk and fake island.
So there you have it my freckly faced friend.