Friday, October 14, 2011

Abdominal Snowman- Cold Six Pack

Oh jeez!

That's the sound a fat lady with blonde hair and bad re-growth makes when you reverse your car and almost hit her four-wheel drive mobile.

That's the sound she'd make in Tin Tin anyway.

In real life she says "AW FUCKING GAWD FUCKING SHIT AW GAWD" and you can see pudding steam form on the insides of her tinted windows.

This is the perfect time to try and sell her something, anything. She likes buying things and creating a situation where she can buy something is perhaps the nicest thing you can do. It's a laurel wreath, or some Reef sandals for a woman named Laurel, it's a peace offering.

First things first. You need to act immediately. The quick thinking hen gets the fox egg tortilla! Pull on the hand break and stop immediately. I don't care if you are blocking traffic and there's an angry little man in a small Hyundai who has to mount a curb to get passed and that he also yells "WHATTA THE FUCKING SHIT ARE YOU FUCKING SHIT DOING AW GAWD!" He's probably jealous of the buying opportunity, let him go and he'll come back hungrier than ever - Mid Commute Selling for Dummies.


So what to sell? There's heaps of stuff of value in a car! Just look in the centre console or whatever they call that bit in the middle that's impossible to clean. The bit that's like a wide plastic navel full of lint and the coins that aren't worth much.  Perhaps you have some chewing gum? No? Keep searching.

You might have an old map or a CD without a case in the glovebox. These are great! Maps are useful and CDs have cool rock music on them. These are definite sellable items. Quickly jump out of the car, open the boot and pull out the jack. This is a big ticket item. Sell this and you just might have enough money for a kilo of beef, chocolate sauce and a strawberry milk. All the ingredients for your special post-workout ( or even instead of a workout) protein shake! Talk about making lemonade ($16) out of lemons (near car accident).

Run with this bundle of goodies to the customer's car. Think on your feet, like a quick cat trying to dislodge a troublesome mole in a doctor's surgery.

"MAY I INTEREST YOU IN A CD, A MAP OF THIS AREA, OR PERHAPS A JACK FOR LIFTING THE BACK OF CARS UP?" Say it in a strong clear voice. You are in control.

"WHHATT? WHAAATTT? YOU FUCKING SHIT NEARLY FUCKING HIT MY FUCKING GAWD CAR SHIT!" She may say. Oooh, soothe that temper with another advance.

"A CD OF SOME OF MY BROTHER'S FAVOURITE SONGS JUST MIGHT BE WHAT YOU'RE AFTER! YOU TAKE THIS AND PAY ME LATER" And try and post the disc through the gap of her window.

"NGAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" She says and hits it out with her chubby claw. Then her foot hits the accelerator and she squeals off almost running over your foot and your custom Nikes ( little bits of fire drawn on the swoosh so they look faster).

Don't get disheartened. She was an obvious window shopper and probably hasn't done the sex in forever. A keen businessman would get back promptly into the car and try and chase down that angry little man in the Hyundai. He looked like he wasn't playing.

1 comment:

personal jesus said...

wow i too have coins in the centre console,plus i really enjoy observational humour.we could be husband and husband but chief ranga says 'no',we will have to just live with the pain which reminds me NO driving while on the hay fever meds cause you just might rear end me,and there's no way i'm the bottom in this thing!