Saturday, April 17, 2010

All day I'm huffing. And puffing. And smoking pens.

Did you know that you can make your car go faster with a few simple additions? I didn't until I thought of it. Every night I hear the sound of amazingly cool guys zooming their Mitsubishi Lasers around my suburban neighbourhood. I look out the window in awe at their amazing ability to drive a car really fast and to play DMX simultaneously. I often think about all the girls that would be impressed with this incredible skill. They are most probably constantly icing their sex-things with frozen gatorade to stave off the effects of extreme female induced friction. Oh they get it, course they do, course they bloody do, heaps of it.

What do they have that I don't have? I asked myself out loud as I licked a dead fly from my living room window. I realised that my car didn't have the right bits. I mean I only really have an AM radio and my speakers sound like they're made out of home-brand cereal boxes (Kellogs is preferred). I can't impress anyone if I'm blasting ABC local radio except for the old crust nextdoor who reads the Quokka and kills birds. Wrong demographic. I want the Bundy gang. They make all the decisions in Australia and know the truth about everything and nothing. Win their hearts and you basically don't have to work a day ever again. You'll be up to your guts in free chicken, choc-milk, carpet cleaning and roller shutters. All free. No tax. Like a king.

Basically all you need is a few simple items you can find at home.

1. Milo tin. Tip the milo out. Actually eat it with a spoon. You wanted to eat the whole thing in year three. Actually you did it in year three and then you ate Nutella from the jar and then some toothpaste because mum never bought any bloody good food and you had to make do with anything that had sugar in it. Anyway get an empty milo tin or a coffee tin. I have a big tin of coffee in my pantry that has been there for a bout 3 years. It tastes like dirt. Tape the tin where your exhaust pipe is. This is called a 'sports ack-sauce' or something like this. It makes your car go faster because the engine is able to suck more air through it. Air is used in the suspension. The wider your sports ack-sauce is, the more pogs you are worth.

2.Egg Carton Like me you probably hit the gym every day like at least three times. You love protein and probably eat 9 eggs a day. Getting an egg carton is easy. Make sure it's not free-range or you will look like a wussy. Stick the egg-carton on the bonnet of your car with the pointy bits poking up. This is the second engine. Two engines are faster than one and this one has twelve cylinders. That's basically a jet car. Cops don't like second engines but it won't really bother you as you will be able to 'put the pedal to the medals' and zoom off like Usain Bolt if he was a car.

3. Cardboard, Black electrical tape, Permanent marker If you have a standard issue number plate how are other drivers (and girls) going to know anything about your personality? They're not. Your number plate says what you can't scream out the window as you're zooming by with two engines. Stick the cardboard over your boring number plate. With the texta choose a new moniker. Be warned though all the clever ones like 'drif7n' and '4play' are taken. That's good in a way because those ones are a bit tricky to work out and it's easy to think of way better ones. Some good ones are 'COPS SUK' (take it off if they catch you and say they must be mistaken) or 'SEX MAN'. Sex man is probably the best because it says what you do. Sex Man does sex. Like Bat Man did bats and Super Man dipped his stiffy in leaded petrol.

Apply these and buy some cool jewelry. You will be having sex with girls.

3 comments:

X32 1ARO said...

no luck so far,plenty of nibbles though.just popped home to stick some torches and cellophane under me motor,i'm a sure thing now.i is having sushi tonight

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