I have no reason to lie to you

If you're going to eat tuna (after lifting mass weights at the gym or humping couches*) you cannot go past Italian tuna. It's saltier and oilier than seal liver and will make your coat shine brighter than the light of Jesus.

I remembered something the other day. As I was traveling toward the light after my operation the nurse said "You're very lucky, you've got such long eyelashes". Then I said "I'M LIKE A GIRAFFE " and tried to pull a giraffe face. I actually did this. I had ice packs strapped to my face and a blood pressure monitor strapped to my leg.

I'm not sure what kind of hospital straps a blood pressure thing to someone's leg. Probably the same type of hospital that gives kids vasectomies when they come in to get their tonsils yanked and has bad custard. It was like opaque vaseline. Or some type of cheap breast implant. It almost smothered me.

Man I love you.


*Humping couches means lifting couches. My year four music teacher told me. She didn't really like me very much.