Friday, November 12, 2010

Aggh Aghh Arrrr

If you drink enough coffee you can basically see the future. This is pure, unadulterated fact. Total fact.

Smash like 7 espressos before twelve and tell me you don't feel the powers forming under your skin and inside your eyeball. That twist in your guts, that rumble deep inside, that's super powers forming. It's changing your DNA. All renovations are painful. Like I renovated my car once. It had rust so I got these tin snips out and cut the rust out. Then i filled the holes with newspaper and cardboard and pasted over the whole mess with some 'plastic cement'. Then I sprayed the new bumpy bits with enamel paint and got some on my windows. Needless to say the car looked like it had had facial surgery on an overseas plastic surgery package deal or had been violently assaulted by a metal rapey wasp that stung cars and made them look like they had hives.

Renovations, and/or morphing, is painful. Take my new haircut for example. It looks like I'm wearing a Russian hat. Short back, no sides and some kind of burger flipping hat of hair on top. Seriously bad. The normal barber was cutting some old dudes white bits and I had to settle for his colleague who is only meant to be there on THURSDAYS. I almost walked out to take an urgent-financial matter-accident phone call to avoid her hacking. But I wussed out. I sat it out and then considered slowly crashing my car into the back of a truck on the way home so I could wake up in hospital and have a legit excuse for having the haircut of a career printer salesman.

Anyway, down the brown. Listen to the fastest music you can find. Hate everyone that gets in your way. Next level powers. You can watch shows before they're even on TV. Close your eyes and you can hear Bart's quips about the length of Rod Flanders' pants in the new episode which will be about basketball and waffles and will feature a part about American butter and a joke about Qantas.

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