Wild pack of family dogs

I love you

I truly do

Milky Man Mega

There was half drunk bottle of milk in the toilets today . Some guy had left it on the bench "Can't walk out drinking milk. That would look disgusting!" But the truth is, and I'm using detective skills here, he drunk it on the toilet. Yeah, got a big mouthful of moo juice as he strained to evacuate his bowels of Mum's fish-finger lasagna (fish fingers, cream cheese, tomato sauce, corn chips). That's right - this constipated hooligan had sucked back on a bottle of milk in between long audible grunts.

"Argggghh, sip, sip, arghhhhhhhh, sip, sip"

Graver sounds a sane man (you and me and most girls) could not imagine. What kind of swollen teen feels the need to re-fuel while they're draining the sump (hahaha. I know heaps about cars. The sump tank is where all the spent energy from the petrol goes. It manifests itself as rich unctuous treacle goop).

"Just a spoonful of milky makes the evil come out" is the song he sung at the top of his lungs as he defiled himself and the rest of humanity. What a boy. Actually maybe it was an older man. Like a guy in saggy tracksuit pants with Russian hair. I mean communist hair. Like it's been rolled out in some kind of program. Stick your big cauliflower head over the board and Niklos will take to it with the cabbage secateurs. One of those accidently-on-purpose haircuts that sits on the head all plompy in the wrong places and ends abruptly near the ears. Yeah, maybe he walked into the toilet sipping the milk (got some on his fat chin). Looked in the mirror, drunk some more milk, sniffed through his fat red nostrils, drunk some milk, scratched the dropped crotch of his trackies, drunk some more milk. Decided to try for a wee. Could not achieve wee. Huffed. Got angry. Put milk on bench. Looked at self in mirror. Huffed. Walked out with the hope of being able to urinate as soon as he made it home. Friendly surrounds. Makes the fountain flow. No problem. Didn't need to go before. Oh fuck the milk. Should i go back to get it? Probably should. It had a disolved mint lolly in it. Tasted good. Special mint milk. If I can achieve a wee I'll stay home.


Yeah so anyway, some guy drank milk in the toilets. And I know who it was. I'm on to you. You're either a kid or a guy. Watch out milky - I'm the fourth estate,

DK took my baby away, they took him away, away from me

I remember when my little brother came home from school with a Dead Kennedys 'Too Drunk To Fuck' shirt on. My mum said "You're too young for either of those things!" and made him take it back to the shop. He was pissed off. It was the Dead Kennedys Mum! It's a song! But she would not have her little cherub walking around proclaiming he was drinking and sexing or rather that he was so into drinking he couldn't even achieve the sexing. I'm not sure if what actually happened to the shirt but I never saw him wear it again. The law had got the punx down once again.

I made an observation today (probably the start of a thesis or a letter to Dolly Doctor). There seems to be a million girls with weird fingernail things. Like they have long nails but they're only coloured on the bit that extends past the finger. It kind of looks like they've got a bunch of gunk stuck under their nail, like they've destroyed toilet paper with their claws and now have fecal matter crammed in their nails. You would probably get hepatitis if they gave you a massage.

Aggh Aghh Arrrr

If you drink enough coffee you can basically see the future. This is pure, unadulterated fact. Total fact.

Smash like 7 espressos before twelve and tell me you don't feel the powers forming under your skin and inside your eyeball. That twist in your guts, that rumble deep inside, that's super powers forming. It's changing your DNA. All renovations are painful. Like I renovated my car once. It had rust so I got these tin snips out and cut the rust out. Then i filled the holes with newspaper and cardboard and pasted over the whole mess with some 'plastic cement'. Then I sprayed the new bumpy bits with enamel paint and got some on my windows. Needless to say the car looked like it had had facial surgery on an overseas plastic surgery package deal or had been violently assaulted by a metal rapey wasp that stung cars and made them look like they had hives.

Renovations, and/or morphing, is painful. Take my new haircut for example. It looks like I'm wearing a Russian hat. Short back, no sides and some kind of burger flipping hat of hair on top. Seriously bad. The normal barber was cutting some old dudes white bits and I had to settle for his colleague who is only meant to be there on THURSDAYS. I almost walked out to take an urgent-financial matter-accident phone call to avoid her hacking. But I wussed out. I sat it out and then considered slowly crashing my car into the back of a truck on the way home so I could wake up in hospital and have a legit excuse for having the haircut of a career printer salesman.

Anyway, down the brown. Listen to the fastest music you can find. Hate everyone that gets in your way. Next level powers. You can watch shows before they're even on TV. Close your eyes and you can hear Bart's quips about the length of Rod Flanders' pants in the new episode which will be about basketball and waffles and will feature a part about American butter and a joke about Qantas.