Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Young Bones Moan

I rent a house from the walking dead. My landlord is a tall slim man with eyes that sit back deep in his sockets. I'm pretty sure he survives on cough lollies and pate`. That's what I'm thinking. He sits at home with a little dog on his bare chest and licks goose-liver spread off the palms of his hands. He doesn't talk like the living either - no siree. He pauses and stares forward.

Take this for example "My back gate is broken"
3 minutes of phone silence that feels like a million billion years trapped in a television that only plays Dr. Phil.
"Ok" he says. His tongue is dry and tubular like a pigeon.
What do I say now? He's death breathed me.
"Can you get someone to come and fix it"
"Thanks" and I'm the fuck outta here.
I'm sure he drops the phone and rolls his eyes back into his skull and hums some kind of funeral dirge. Like some Billy Idol song or something. Serious shit.

Then I get an elaborate email that says "Repair man called". When? Who knows. Only death. The problem is that he might let my dog out. Louie is halfway to becoming a transformer. He's been eating a couple of bits from an old calculator and a few teaspoons of diesel daily. He's got some powers but he hasn't fully mastered them yet. I don't want him to go out and mate with a Honda Civic or chew down a light pole.

I've gone whingey McWhingeypants. Because my back gate is broken (put anal sex joke in here. Make it something about late-night deliveries or intruders) I've started storing my bike in the laundry. This is cool because I can walk into my kitchen and see my bike in the laundry. It makes me feel Scandinavian. Like I'm living in Oslo or something. I'm going to go with it. I'll buy some of that salty licorice that they chow at a mass rate and some milk that comes from the alps. I'm already adjusting my prudish views on nudity. I'm going to invite the ginger from down the road over and answer the door "full nudders". Invite him in for some chewing tobacco. It will probably increase my life span by 5 years. It's science. I've read it.

I said to my girlfriend "There's a surprise in the laundry!"
She said "I know. Your bike's in there."
"Surprise!" I said. Man, I'm the living end.


shower not a grower said...

you,me swanbourne just say the word man i'm i'm sure we'll be able to find someone only to willing to give your back gate the once over

SC said...

We could go for a surf I guess. Or grease the hinges.

lateisha said...

like sum totally random weirdo just invites to a nude beach and ur like totally reaching for ur board i mean what a slut

SC said...

Truer words have not been spoked. I gotta play it cool. You're right. Their intentions may not be pure. You're like the big sister never had. Thanks. I just get so excited when an offer of friendship comes knocking. I gotta play it cool though. My enthusiasm may scare them off or make me prey to predatorzzzzz.

New response: "Hmm Swanbourne. THAT SOUNDS AWESOME! COUNT ME IN!"

when jokers attack said...

not really warm enough to be joining the wang tan clan,next summer i promise.i'll even buy you an icecream

SC said...

Wang Tan Clan!
That's the best.