I sent this to Eagle Boys pizza- It seemed funnier as i was writing it. In retrospect- uh

I am probably asking the wrong guys the question but one of the managers in there seems to know a little bit about nutrition. i was just wondering if someone could tell how much pizza a five year old should be eating. My son, Mathhew, is getting through bout two slices of pizza - it doesn't seem enough for a boy his age. Is there a recommended serving size for kids. I'd like to see him eat about 6 slices in a sitting. Not sure if that is too much though- I eat about two wholes each time but I do a lot of weights and work a twenty five hour week. Any advice would be great.

*I just got a response. It's actually not funny. Obviously I'm not a master of Internet pranks.
Hi Shay,



Thanks for your email. Unfortunately we are not qualified to offer you advise on this subject and would suggest that you approach a qualified nutritionist for advise on quantities your son should be eating.



Thanks again, and we look forward to your continued patronage



Regards,



r

Flat out like a lizard which is trying to look like a paddle pop stick so as not to be eaten by a fat kids neglected cat

Holga. Von Jeiago. Capricosa. hellok.

It's been super cold. I saw the Premier in the city the other day and there were all these people in polo fleeces and dandruff crowding around. He was handing out energy saving light globes and talking about the gas crisis. My beagle has a gas crisis whenever I let him inside. He poots the worst stench since Genghis Khans saddle was washed down.




My friend just handed in his thesis which is super sick (hella epic). He knows lizards like no one else. I'm going to drink some beer with him and a red haired kid. Hella epic.


when you take a photo of someone taking a photo you're in danger of imploding the planet

It's monday and I want to forget Suzy, I want to forget.

All slow No glow

"She's going to be a cock professor studying my dick, she's gonna get a masters degree in fucking me!" is perhaps the greatest line ever written, thank you Ween. I would have found it funny when I was ten, that's how great it is.

Pure Guava by Ween was the first CD I ever bought. I think I was about nine or ten and my Gran had given me some money to buy an album. It was a toss up between Ween or Ugly Kid Joe's America's Least Wanted. While the cover art of the Ugly Kid Joe album was alluring I chose Pure Guava simply for the fact that I wanted to listen to Push th' Little Daisies four hundred times in a row. Kids at school said it was the dumbest worst suckiest song ever which instantly made it the greatest song of year 5. Anyway, the album blew my mind- it had lots of awesome swearing and the guitars got all fucked up and nasally. I used to play the solos through my nose "nuh nuh nuhnuh nuh nuh nuh"

The CD doesn't work anymore. It's all jerked up. I'm going to get some sand paper and try and level out the scratches.

Captain Danzigaretto

So you know Danzig eats like four kilos of lamb, 48 eggs, a tub of ice-cream, twelve sacks of carrots and a carton of low carb beer a week. He also brushes his hair at least five times a day while he watches pirated pornos. Dude puts nail polish on his toes and wears those little glasses that John Lennon did while he makes model boats.

His most prized model boat is called the Pappa Swine, a barge full of little plastic pigs. He putt putts that little barge from one end of his steamy bath to the other and sometimes unloads a few pigs on the port of his belly. One time a sow got scared and he had to coax it up to the safety of his generous breast with some of his poppy seed cake. "Don't be scared girl, it's OK. I will raise you organically and find you a healthy sire."

He's a bloody sicko that Danzig.

Bean dreams

You know you're poor when you wish you had a tin of borlotti beans to put in your vegetable soup but you don't want to split your last ten bucks or use the nine dollars you have in the bank ($9.17). And then all you can think about are those beans and how if you had some money you would be buying those beans and eating them. What a luxury.

I said to my mum "I'm really broke" and she said "why don't you get another job?" and I said "that's the dumbest fucking idea I've ever heard!"

ha. That'll show her.

PS I Rub You

My girlfriend and i have a $25 late fee at the video shop. We got a dvd, I can't even remember what it was called, the dude could freeze time or something like that, it wasn't very good although it did have boobs in it. Maybe I imagined the boobs. I often do that. Anyway, the dvd player blew up (went pop blue electricity) with the disc inside. It wouldn't eject (like Howard before the election!!! HA POLITICAL COMMENTARY). So my girlfriend tipped it on it's side so she could look deep inside (Carry On) and the disc fell back further.

Then we left it in there for a week or so.

Then I got a screwdriver and used it as a hammer to smash the bad movie out.

When we went to the video shop after 4 months of not going I hid the ten dollar note that was in my wallet in my pocket and then i told the girl behind the counter that I only had five bucks. HAHA. I'm like Ghostface. The player haterz are never gonna get they claws in me yo.


She suggested that the people in front of me in the line get "PS I Love You" out.