Tuesday, August 18, 2009

The Bull Twang and the Pea


Recently I've been getting my haircut at a barber. Like an old school barber with a proper chair, weightlifting magazines and pictures of Elvis. The guy touches your haircut up with a hot cut-throat razor. After I get my hair cut I feel like going out and busting a cop in the keester and then speeding off on my motorbike (which I will probably do a sweet wheelie on and a wicked skid).

The best part though is talking to the barber. He's not that old - probably mid thirties, and he likes to talk filth. This really appeals to my interests. There is nothing I enjoy more than talking bull twang. The barber told me that his mate, who is littler than him I may add (he showed me where he came up to him - only the chest), drank 4 beers an hour on Grand Final day from 10 in the morning until 12 that night and wasn't even drunk. Yep, he said he was sober. I enjoyed this snippet of bull twang.

The barber went on to tell me that the guy was really fit and had a weight room in his back shed with a 40inch television that supposedly plays music videos while he works out. The barber said this was untrue. He said that he knows that he watches porn on it. The weightlifting friend said that he doesn't and that he had never masturbated. The barber thought this was a preposterous notion. "He locks that door so his daughters don't walk in on him stroking it. It's bullshit, especially when you're younger you're like 'what does this thing do?' my sons three and he's always pulling it out. I said 'you're going to be a flasher when you grow up!' he's always pointing it at the girls. There's a lot things you do when you're three that would get you locked up if you did them as an adult." I agreed. If you crapped your pants in the freezer section of Woolworths as a 25 year old Colin Barnett would probably have you thrown in jail without a trial.

He said that he'd discussed his friends outlandish claims of self chastity at the casino with a group of friends. His wife said she had never done it either and "my cousin who talks about it all the time, he doesn't care who's is around, was like 'What? You don't ever flick your pea?".

So I got a new dirty phrase 'flick your pea' (I'm not sure if I'll be able to say this ever though. It sounds pretty wrong. I guess the wronger they are - the better). I also got a haircut and had a chat about colostomy bags or "a bag for an arse" as the barber said. Win win situation.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh there they go. There they go, every time I start talkin 'bout boxing, a white man got to pull Rocky Marciano out their ass. That's their one, that's their one. Rocky Marciano. Rocky Marciano. Let me tell you something once and for all. Rocky Marciano was good, but compared to Joe Louis, Rocky Marciano ain't shit

Anonymous said...

He beat Joe Louis' ass

Anonymous said...

That's right, he did whoop Joe Louis' ass.

Anonymous said...

Joe Louis was seventy five years old when they fought

Anonymous said...

I don't know how old he was, but he got his ass whooped.

Anonymous said...

Joe Louis had come out of retirement to fight Rocky Marciano and he was seventy six years old. Joe Louis is always lying about his age. He lie about his age all the time. One time Frank Sinatra came in here and sat in this chair. I said Frank 'you hang out with Joe Louis, just between me and you, how old is Joe Louis.' You know what Frank told me, he said "Hey, Joe Louis is 137 years old." A hundred and thirty-seven years old

Anonymous said...

Oh. Man, you ain't never meet no Frank Sinatra

Anonymous said...

Fuck you, fuck you, and fuck you! Who's next?

SC said...

Did one person make 8 comments? I don't care. This is the most comments I've ever had multiplied by two plus two! Business is booming. The best thing about boxing is eating steak and growing a rat's tail.

Joshua said...

I can't believe you get your hair cut by a professional. That is some prime BS right there

Joshua said...

Actually, fuck this, I'm not getting my hair cut until February just so I can say I went a year without cutting my hair and you go to a barber.

SC said...

Oh Barbers are great! For years I couldn't get my hair cut because I was terrified of the awkward conversations and also copping some kind of feathered footy player do. You just got to find a good working class barber full of old men and the good haircuts come trickling through your fingers like the milk from a warm pig's teet.

Joshua said...

Death to disco !