Sunday, September 27, 2009

De Niro T-Wrect

Coarse haired colleagues, chronic masturbators, cream huffers, and greasy fringed girls,

I'm lucky to be alive. I kiss the earth and sniff the breeze. On friday night my brother and I caught a taxi with a mad man, a man of at least 50 years with an obvious back catalogue of paranoia and speeding tickets.

As soon as our rumps touched the weave of the seats the taxi driver stomped his foot on the accelerator and swerved out in front of a bus. As he did this he lowered his window and yelled "Oooogaaaaa Boooggaaaaa!" at another taxi as he hurtled down the street.

"I'm getting out of the industry" he told us. Perhaps he was going to jail?

"I'm going to Holland" he said. "Getting out of this country" as he clipped a roundabout.

"To Amsterdam?" my brother asked.

"Holland!" he said. "Look at this" (he flicked a photo of a blurry guitar on his phone). "That's a hemp guitar. Made out of hemp. They've got a hemp museum in Holland. I went there. Showed 'em this picture of my guitar. They said "that's a work or art that" and they want it in their museum."

"Wow! How do you make them?" my brother said.

"With hemp!" he said.

"But how? Like resin and fibre?"

"Hemp fibres! I use hemp fibres! I'm not going to go how I make 'em though because it's a secret. Not going to go into mate!"

The whole time the fuel light was flashing on the dashboard and he was pushing 90 in a 60 zone. We were speeding up a hill towards a red light. I questioned the man's sanity and the light went green.

"How many have you made?"

"I've made one. But I'm the only one who knows how to do it. Its all up here. Going to make a thousand in my first year in Holland!"

"A thousand?" we asked. "That's a lot of work"

"Well I'm not going to make them. I'm going to have a hundred people working for me and I'm going to walk around with a cup of coffee and say "yes/yes/no do more" to the workers. You can put pictures in the guitar. Put coins and hair in the resin. People from around the world can email you and say "I want some artwork in it" and I'll write back to them that it'll cost more and that's how I can get me money. With all the art work".

"And you use sheets of resin and fibre?"

"Look, I'm not going into it! People are trying to steal my ides. I'm not saying you guys are going to steal them but I'm not going into it!"

"What kind of head stocks do you use?" my brother asks.

"I use just normal ones."

"How do they sound?"

"They sound like guitars mate!"

"So what's the advantage of using hemp?"

"Well it's the strongest natural fibre known to man. Besides cobwebs. Cobwebs is the first, hemp is the second, and human hair is the third."

"Silk's the strongest natural fibre?"

"Cobwebs! And hemp and hairs from a man's head!I'm also going to make violins. I had an Internet site showing the guitar I made. I got over a million orders from all around the world. Had to close the site down. It was just there to test the waters. People wanted them. They all wanted them. Germans would want the violin. Love violins."

We got to my house in the fastest time ever. I was relieved to get out of the car. The guy had breathed all our oxygen and was probably planning on taking us to a deserted car park and killing us with a non-interrupted onslaught of bullshit.

"What a fuckwit!" my brother said.

*I just searched the net and hemp guitars do exist, are in production, and they don't seem to be made by a taxi driver from Fremantle . Looks like the Holland trip is off.


Anonymous said...

i just found hamish online, and have asked him if he remembers the author of this blog, he remembers, so i told him he should check it out and do some reminiscing...

SC said...


SC said...

Probably should have changed the names involved to avoid legal prosecution. Actually, I already did that. It's done. Names changed! Ha! Also, who is this?