Le' Baromater

Hot chillies that are supposed to be hot but are not hot are not hot. How come the chillies one buys from supermarkets never seem to be hot, they're more like stunted capsicums. It's like drinking mid-strength beer from a plastic cup or trying to give yourself a golden shower. You're left flat and damp wanting some full force abuse. I ate a Laksa a few months ago that made my eyes sweat and almost gave me an anaphylactic reaction. I was constricting and spacing. It was made more awesome by the fact that I was dining with company could tell them that the laksa was extremely hot but not too hot for me, but would probably kill normal people, but you know I could actually have it hotter. Oh yeah I eat zimbabwean bird's eyes for breakfast like I just need things hot you know like I could probably drink two litres of tom yum and like ten tablespoons of chili paste and still be like 'that wasn't hot at all' and then get on my motorbike and actually jump a bus and you'd be amazed and i would be like "what? Haven't you seen me do that before? I do it all the time" and then I would smoke a cigarette in one draw and put the butt out on my tongue.

I have heard so many wankers talk of their chili prowess. A guy asked the girl behind the counter at the noodle bar down the road to "make sure it's really hot. Like make it as hot as you think is hot and then make it hotter." He had those fucked euro/slip thongs on.

When I was in primary school, my best friend and I found an old microwave that someone had dumped on the schools compost mountain. As soon as we saw it we picked up big sticks and ran to it. We started beating that microwave with a wizzfizz of pre-teen violent enthusiasm. A teacher with a big grey beard and short-shorts heard our howls and ran to douse the flames before a full scale white-good bash riot broke out across the oval.

He said that he didn't have a microwave at his house but he was pretty sure that "the nuclear material inside made people infertile". We stopped immediately. For at least a year after I was pretty sure I would either get ball cancer or AIDS from the drink fountain.