Fat Nation Woes

God I love you.

Batman Vs. Batman

You saw it here first.

War is hell.

Thai Buddha

I waited at the bus stop for a bus that didn't come. I then caught it to the train station to a train that never came. Technical difficulties. So I had to catch a bus full to the brim of old people who smelled like they'd ingested Miss Maud's Custard Sloppers, milky tea and talcum powder sweat dust.

Thanks Colin Barnett. I now know what it's like to live in the Eastern Bloc. You have opened my eyes. Next time I'm drunk on homemade kirsch I'm coming to beat you a deep shade of communist red with a pickled herring. You will feel the unrepressed groin kicks of my rage deep in your Soviet beets. I will also crash my Lada Niva into your Toyota and yell out 'Cold war! Cold War! Milosevic!'

My girlfriend came home with a funny looking passport the other day. I laughed and she cried. I thought it was funny until I got one today.


I probably can't ever enter South East Asia with this photo. I look like I'm hunting Chong. I want to chop chop. I'm gonna chase the dragon and blow goats. It looks a million times worse in colour but you have to be wary of teh identity thieves on the netz so I've used my exceptional graphic design skills to produce the cover for 80's weed punk phenom Weed Life's first 12". featuring such songs as Bad Buzz (coke and aspro), Til Tuesday IOU, Go it alone/ loving tonight, and the infamous Pork Chop Cops.


Green room.

I sense chicken

Teenage fuzz bus ride

"Kid. I'm here to tell you that you stink. No, not your attitude. You. You actually smell. It's quite normal though, a young person such as yourself is full to the brim with hormones. Yours are buzzing around the place so fast I can hear a high pitched whirr emminating from your person. This is quite normal. These hormones are bringing changes - you now the type. Long showers and swelling, itchy nipples and puffy glands. Hairs growing back into your skin, waking up with your eyes stuck together. We've all been there. When I was your age I used to climb the neighbour's fence and have a nice cuddle with their old Lassie dog of a hot sunday night. You can't do that these days though, oh no I assure you, so don't even try!

The smell you have is your way of telling the world that you're ready to bake. That you don't care if it's going to bring welts down the back of your thighs and make sweat crystals form on your neck. You're ready to kidney it out with some raw trade and heaven help your family if the oysters don't start lining up at the front door when the old moon is as low and white as a giant pain pill. Kid. You need to listen to this. I'm of the world, in the world, and above this world. Kid - come back. There aren't any spare seats."

Film 102 oh Nine.

Australian cinema. The key to this genre is silence. Well used. Think Candy or any other movie that's about slow decay/drugs in Sydney/fucked up family relations. They all utilise silence. Wake up. Make cup of tea in flat in Cronulla that has no bed just a mattress. No sound. Kettle boils. Silence. Look across at note on fridge "I'm leaving. Caserole in fridge". Silence. "Fuck!". Get smack out from top drawer and shoot up. Look at ceiling. Silence. And that my friends is a good, honest, piece of filmus Australiana or as I like to call it 'movie about smack in Sydney'.

I have the perfect idea for a Filmus Australiana. I have a mate called Perky. He's sitting in a pub (make that an RSL) in Sydney drinking a beer in a rugby top, stubbies and some thongs. He's smoking a durrie and he looks a bit red around the eyes.
I walk in. Perky says "Fucking took ya time".

I order a beer and pull up a seat next to him. I am wearing a business suit and my hair is greasy. I probably have a stie on my left eye because this will convey to the viewers that I am stressed/disheveled.

Silence.

"Karren's left me" I say.

Silence.

"Left? " Perky says and sucks back a builders mouthful of beer.

"Fucking half ya luck. Have a fucking cry." Good movies say fuck a lot. i've known this for a long time. I mean a long fucking time. Good songs also have swearing as well. Turn them up when the swearing comes on.

"Lets go up the coast ya poof". Cue footage of us driving up to northern NSW in a grey rusted Falcon.

Later Perky will rape a girl, I'll shoot smack; ring my girlfriend's mum from pay phone who won't let me talk to my girlfriend who has our kid. I will say "Fuck!" and bang phone against the glass in carpark at night. We will have a car crash and the movie will end.

Critics will say "Can we only make one type of movie" when reviewing 'Grey Lines' and I will know that I have succeeded in making a good solid thinking man's piece of sub-successful yet earnest Australian film which each video shop will stock two new release DVD copies of.

Down with squares

Back at life

Mad pashing

Life holiday doesn't seem to last forever.

Dumb things I have heard recently from people in positions of authority

1. "Do you know about Versace? Have you heard anything bad about him? Heard any rumours?.... No? That's because he payed everyone to keep quiet".

2. "...It was called outcomes based education. Hitler loved it because it meant people didn't know how to think creatively and would salute when he said to"

3."In twenty years time there won't be any work for actors - they'll all be out of jobs. They'll have animations playing all the parts. People, in Japan mostly, will fall in love with these animations because they will be so life-like. Actors know this and they're getting worried. They're going to be redundant. You don't have to pay animations!"

4. "Money is our greatest form of love".

salad days

remember how cool I used to be?

yeah, so do I, so do I

Polo Rhoid (Saddle Bag)

Super Emo Holiday Part 33

Oh Jesus it's hot today. Sweet lamb prince please have mercy on my body, I cannot sweat more for you than I currently am. Please understand Lanolin King. There will be more hay in the fields of eternity I promise. Please don't let me graze these paddocks at this hour.

Super Emo Holiday Part 32 32 32 42 52 62 72 82

Perfect smoothie.
Smoothies are so you don't have to chew. That's why they were invented. Fact. You lead a busy lifestyle and you want to go back to the gym and smash mad bulk weight or process paperwork at your desk job faster than Clive across the cubicle. No time for chewing. You've got to get all the essential food groups into your blood stream so you've got at least two hours on a Wednesday to smash with the bouncers at the Brisbane on the bonnet of your girlfriend's Barina.

Ingredients:
Milk- You can get this most places.
Salt. Lots of fucking salt. Things that are hard to drink make you harder. Make it saltier than Eric Ripper's sweaty ballsack on the day he had to help Ljil move out of Dumas house. You are a sea dog.
Eggs- You don't actually have to buy these. Park across the street? Perfect. Cross the road, climb a tree. The eggs of doves, crows and magpies are often overlooked by the limp-wrists of this world. You are a hunter gatherer. Crows eggs have the faint taste of urea. Smash as many you can get into the blender. Fuck the shells. They'll make your hair shine.
Pedigree Pal (biscuits) - Not the stuff in the tin - it's good for a casserole but isn't suited to a powershake. These little fuckers are full of protein and taste better than that fancy shit they serve up on huge plates in the city. I usually have a bowl in the mornings of my fights with the pricks at Central TAFE who won't let me back into jewelry cert3. Chuck a good man's handful in.
Tuna in oil- keep the actual fish bits in the fridge. You just want the salty oil. Purely for taste. (fish bits LOL)
Coffee- Caffeine. Apparently Bruce Lee wasn't into coffee. May still be alive if he'd downed the brown daily. There's an Italian man down my road who's about 57. Proof that coffee keeps you alive. I don't want to die so I ensure that every meal I eat has some caffeine as an integral part. Try going to a restaurant and ordering a spoonful of Maxwell House's finest to sprinkle over your Lasagna. Pricks look at you like you wiped a weeping sore on the table cloth. I always eat at home anyway. Or Sizzler. Love Sizzler. Make sure the smoothie has at least a tablespoon of coffee (Black and Gold is good value for money or a few cans of redbuller from those chicks at the skyrace if it's that time of year).

Mix it. Drink it. Energy. Straight through your heart, pumping in your veins. Also good for helping you learn shit and stuff

Super Emo Holiday Part 31st

Holiday about to end. I didn't achieve as many of things I had hope to achieve. I was meant to chew through a pile of books and be able to swim kilometers, to have completed my first major feature film and to have recorded the first example of ocean drone.

I just realised that it's 'crack raider razor' not razor razor. Bang out.

Super Emo Holiday Part Firty

I saw Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds the other night. It was amazing. Inside a massive open air ampitheatre within a disused quarry. I felt like I was involved in some sort of primordial tradition as thousands of us sweated and squirmed as the crazy magic man convulsed and thrusted on stage. It was magical noise.

Super Emo Holiday Part Twenty Nein

"Life can be so good and so shit at the same time". I said this yesterday and my brother said it was very deep and that I should put it on a T-shirt and rolled his eyes and sighed. I'm a profit of the gutter like Nas. He makes profit from the gutter. I dropped a dollar coin down the drain in primary school once. It was hot and the drain smelt like sick all sweet and dark and deep and dark. I was disappointed as I wanted to buy a sausage roll or a little carton of choc milk. Some cool kids with tanned legs used to throw small change purposely into the drain like it wasn't no thang yo'hear. Money to burn in primary school. Two ice-creams rich. Count Choculas and Jokers and a bag of bullets.

Super Emo Holiday Part Twenty 18

It's summer oh yeah. The sky is so smoky today, the hills are smouldering. I'll pretend I'm in Jakarta transporting a white chicken on the back of my two-stroke as I ride my bicycle. Then I'm going to eat some spicy noodles and sweat from my mustache.

Super Emo Holiday Part Twenty Seven

If I ever start a punk band I'm going to use this as a logo. Flowers are so un-punk theyre fkn punk. Full circle. I'm a mad man and no system can hold these milky white fists still!*

There's an old crust that lives on the other side of our fence. He's got a big melon of a head and his hair is snow white. His glasses always seem smudged like he's tried to clean them with vaseline.

John's built a number of things and torn them down in his backyard over the three years we've been in the house. At one stage there was a chicken pen. I looked over the fence once and there were two dead doves hanging by their feet from the ceiling. I thought this was quite strange. Apparently they were eating the chicken feed or something equally death worthy. Doves are apparently a scourge. He also caught a crow that was hanging around and then released it kilometers away. As I said before - he's a crust.

There are a lot of Ibis (plural of ibis is...? Ibi?) around our neighbourhood. They sit on lawns and peck away at ibis food. Today when I was walking the dog I saw John walking across the road towards the house opposite his. There were a few ibis pecking away. He had a few lemons and he was absolutely pelting them towards the house as he approached. I couldn't work out if he had a vendetta against the house or the birds. Either way he would have offended both house and birds with his behaviour that was quite odd which I saw with my eyes today which is thursday.

*Not a 'self love' reference

Super Emo Holiday Part Twenty Sux

I'VE GOT A WINNING LOTTO TICKET!! $14.10! THAT'S AUSTRALIAN DOLLARS BY THE WAY! EXCUSE ME IF I DON'T RECOGNISE YOU AS I'M SPEEDING PAST IN MY CAR WITH 14 BIG ONES WORTH OF PREMIUM FUEL! THEY SAY MONEY CHANGES PEOPLE AND I'D HAVE TO AGREE! COLIN BARNETT - YOU'VE GOT MY BACK BUDDY. MONEY NEEDS MONEY Y'HEAR!

Super Emo Holiday Part Twenty Five

Silver Lizard at le' Velvet Lounger. Like the soundtrack to your favourite '96 surf movie. Off the hook.

Super Emo Holiday Part Twenty Fo

Turnerrrrrrr!! My office!

SEH .22

On the television this morning some old bat was say that 'Dorothy and Frank' would be the most popular baby names this years. They were good solid 'depression' names and that they would replace current number ones 'Mia and Jack'. No more Jtylah Tobassco or Cohrleenah Tsunahmia, parents chose less frivolous names when the dollar is shy - according to this expert who looked like she'd sieved a pot of dirt through her choppers.

I can't really imagine a baby called Frank. Well I can but their future isn't too rosy. Who calls a kid Frank? Shit. A two year old called Frank? "Mother, i want some polony and also I want my pet brick. I'm going to lick the polony off Bricky, and then I'm going to sniff my fingers". That's what would happen. I've met some Franks before but they were never kids so this doesn't apply to them.

Super Emo Holiday Part Colt 22.

Shopping centres can be the worst place on earth. At this time of year they're usually full of kids in new era caps and thongs trying to dry hump. I'm beginning to hate kids. Teenagers especially. Actually, kids in groups. Kids as individuals are actually people. Catch the train and you'll have to listen to some little dietary deficient bastard tell their b.f.f. how they saw a guy a the juice shop and he was asking how Alison was and i was like she's ok and he was like how was you're holiday and i was like i've just been getting smashed and like going to parties and he was like do you know where there are any parties and i told him that we were having one so now we've got to have one at like your place because Steven is a total dick and wouldn't let me go out on thursday night and i was like you're not my dad you can't tell me what to do and mum was getting pissed off at me so i just like spent the whole night on msn and ignored them and they were like... ENDS


I kicked the footy in the park yesterday. I realised that i was wearing shorts but no undies. I don't do this often. Only when I have job interviews. It helps me relax. I also like to drink some water from my dog's bowl to get some wolf bravery and punch a wall until my knuckles look like Colin Barnett's gums. I walk into that interview and tell those potential enemies that I've just damaged the letterbox of their enemy. It shows that I'm already loyal and that i'm prepared to take direct action like a fat 40 year old pensioner takes direct action at Miss Mauds. 'Escuze me! Escuze me! You seem to have run out of black forrest. I really love that and I came here all the way from Morley especially for a piece. I paid for all you can ate and this isn't all I can ate. You're going to make some more? There will be some more? Ok, ok, it's just that i love it. It's a special day for me. Going to have a haircut and buy a gold necklace. I will wait for the cakes. Lucky they're coming, lucky is right, I know a councilor in Morley and he would like to know about this situation if there wasn't any of the cakes but it's all ok because they're coming. Five minutes? Five minutes?'.

Direct mofk'n action. If it's a government department there isn't really a direct competitor so I usually tell them I kicked a robber in the nuts and that he bit my hand. And i demonstrate by swing a kick into the air and then biting my hand where the wound is "Arghhhhhh!" Then I tell them I took him to Mcdonalds and bought him lunch (after I subdued him with a headlock - cue grabbing an interviewer in a headlock and showing them how you can incapacitate an attacker by hooking a finger in each nostril) and that how all robbers just need a hand "You should have seen the little bugger eat! Two quarter pounders and a sundae - I think he still robbed me! Hahahahhahaha!!"

Jobs that's how you get them.

Super Emo Holiday Part 21st

I've just figured out how to edit footage on my computer after 5 years of owning a video camera. I not learn so fast. Here's some footage from early 2008. I'm the one in the shorts.

Super Emo Holiday Part 200

My cousin's kids made this. It has to be seen to be believed. It's on the grandest scale. I took this picture from the top of a cliff, probably about 10 meters from the ground on the southern shores of Worsten Australia. They really wanted to show it to me, they were pumped, it was something 'I had to see'.
After I was guided down the track with my eyes closed I was instructed to look. I was very impressed. A man lying prostrate would only be about as long as the shaft! I told them that I was very proud and that they had done an excellent job, I mean, look at the spurts - absolute genius! The writing says 'Dirty Dick' and I assume that's the piece title. Stellar.

Super Emo Holiday Part nine teenz

The only gay in the village.

Super Emo Holiday Part Ate Ten

Last night my girlfriend told me "THERE'S SOMEONE IN THE HOUSE!" So I got up to look and to throw a few roundhouses at an intruder before he turned on me and beat me to a pulp. There was no one in any part of the house. Not even in the kitchen with the knives. So I went back to bed. Then she said "I saw their faces through the skylight up there".
We don't have a skylight.

Super Emo Holiday Part Sevunteehn

The other day I went for a surf. It wasn't that great but I saw arguably the best bodyboarder in the world walking up the track after a surf. I know people probably see him surf all the time but I was a little chuffed. Didn't even see him catch a wave.